Mums Unstuck

Instead of spending hours doom-scrolling social media looking for answers that aren’t there, join me for a 3-hour CPD / CE accredited workshop to RECOGNISE what’s happening inside the brain and nervous system of your children AND yourself, so you can UNDERSTAND behaviour instead of react to it If you ever look at yourself and think WHY did I react like that!OR death stare your child and think WHY DID YOU DO THAT!!!! ….then this training is going to help you look beneath the surface because one of the most important questions you HAVE to start asking is NOT “How do I make this behaviour stop?” Or “How do I stop reacting?” It’s to consider: “What is happening inside this child right now?” And just as importantly… “What is happening inside ME?” For mothers and female professionals working with children who want to make sense of big emotions, difficult behaviour and what may be happening underneath it all through a trauma informed nervous system lens 13 spots left https://mumsunstuck.com/cpd-parent

You know, there is a fine line between being a parent OR adult, who is genuinely correcting children, and a parent or adult who is bullying…. You want children to respect you, they LEARN what respect is from how YOU treat them first You want children to honour you, they LEARN how to honour by watching how you honour them and other people first You want children to love you, they learn to love you the way YOU show them what love is first You want children to LOVE the religion, they learn to love it by how YOU treat them in Allah’s name . I think as a whole community, we have a lot of work to do, never mind individual households. I remember listening to Moosa Richardson talking about kids in the masjid and advising us to treat the kids how you’d treat your own nieces and nephews…. (Hopefully) with love and kindness and mercy!!! Let me tell you something, teens are leaving Islām by the bucketful and when you ask them why, they tell you how their life was growing up not only inside their home but also when they went out into the community and how they were treated by “uncles” and “aunties” and “teachers” who should have acted better. Harshness hardens hearts and pushes children AWAY from you. Kindness melts them and brings children in closer. Don’t misunderstand me here and take what I’m saying out of conext with what I’ve not discussed - you absolutely must uphold HEALTHY boundaries with your children. THAT IS your job to do. BUT, being firm does NOT mean being aggressive . Being firm does NOT mean shaming. Being firm does NOT mean humiliating. Being firm does NOT mean being a bully to scare them into submission! Rant over.

Waaaay back in the day, I used to run a blog that I’d create and share tonnes of educational resources for Muslim families….. I had so much fun doing it and I started thinking, why am I not doing so much of that any more? Becaue thousands of you benefitted from the downloads! Anyhoo, those of you who have been with me over the last decade or more, have watched me slowly transition out of home education support and watched me requalliy in CBT, Nervous System work, IFS informed somatic parts work and more, to do what I’m doing now and I thought, why not share some of that with you like I used to? And so that’s exactly what I’m working on behind the scenes today…. A simple guide to show you what’s really going on when your children are acting all WILD and you want to SHUT THEM DOWN like a milatery drill sergeant or run away and hide from them! The question is though, if I shared it, would you actually want it?

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NO, I don’t think you should make your children “happy” all the time... BUT I do think children should feel safe being unhappy with a decision you have made. NO, I don’t think every trigger needs to be “healed” before you can move forward BUT I do think your triggers are worth getting curious about instead of continually blaming your children for activating them NO, I don’t think children should change their behaviour so you can feel okay BUT I do think part of parenting is teaching children how their behaviour affects people around them NO, I don’t think intentional parenting means speaking “gently” BUT I do think we can be firm WITHOUT humiliating, frightening or shaming our children NO, I don’t think EVERY difficult behaviour needs a “consequence” BUT I do think every difficult behaviour gives you information about what needs teaching, addressing or changing NO, I don’t think shouting automatically makes you a “bad” muma BUT I do think learning to notice when you’re dysregulated changes the way you respond to your children NO, I don’t think motherhood is supposed to feel easy BUT I do think we’ve normalised living in survival mode and self sacrifice instead of getting support NO, I don’t think EVERYONE should follow this page BUT I do think you should if you want to talk about the part of parenting nobody really prepares you for.... YOURSELF Because parenting ALWAYS starts with YOU. 🖤

Instead of spending hours doom-scrolling social media looking for answers that aren’t there, join me for a 3-hour CPD / CE accredited workshop to RECOGNISE what’s happening inside the brain and nervous system of your children AND yourself, so you can UNDERSTAND behaviour instead of react to it If you ever look at yourself and think WHY did I react like that OR at your child and think WHY DID YOU DO THAT, this training is going to help you look beneath the surface because one of the most important questions you HAVE to start asking is NOT “How do I make this behaviour stop?” Or “How don’t stop reacting?” It’s to consider: “What is happening inside this child right now?” And just as importantly… “What is happening inside ME?” 16 spots left

You want to "sort your life out".... then you need to "sort it out" being HONEST about the season of life you're in right now NOT pretending you don't have kids who are waking through the night and toddlers who rely on you for running their WHOLE life!!!! Organise your life sis, but organise it KNOWING you're not going to wake up motivated to do anything some days.... Organise your life sis, but organise it KNOWING there's days you're gonna want to just stay in bed all day Organise your life sis, but organise it KNOWING that you need things to be FLEXIBLE Organise your life sis, KNOWING everyday isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows! That's what you need to plan your routine around... don't plan them around the "perfect" day where NOTHING phases you and you're fully pumped with momentum.... Plan your routine around the very real reality, that most days you don't have it. THOSE are the routines that work! 🌿 Trust me as someone who has 100% done exactly that (smiles)

The goal is to recognise that you're feeling activated by a trigger and to acknowledge that if you react right now, you're probably going to say or do something you're pretty quickly going to regret. The goal is to feel anger or fear or frustration or overwhelm or whatever it is for you, and still be able to be in control of that emotional hijacking, without allowing that hijacking to control you. This is what I share with my community AND my friends all the time! Because if you're chasing the wrong goal, you'll never feel peace. You have to understand the goal of any professional therapuic work isn't to eliminate triggers or emotions... The goal is to have the capacity to handle them appropriately with the right tools and skills, so you’re not derailed. Because unless you can get shaytaan and your desires to leave you alone.... you're trying to climb the wrong mountain and then emotionaly beating yourself up when you're never getting there. The goal isn’t to switch of triggers or emotional struggles. The goal is always to have the capacity to face them. Okay that’s the end of my what I hope has been an “educational” rant. If this made sense to you and you want to build that capacity: learning tools to strengthen BOTH your cognitive AND physiological capacity to handle everyday triggers, without figuring it out alone and without breaking the bank... take a look at how our membership community can support you www.mumsunstuck.com

Am I the only one who’s noticed that talking about the “nervous system” is the new “crush your limiting beliefs”? My perspective is we have the WRONG idea about what all of this work is actually supposed to do for us. Up until maybe 18-ish months ago, everywhere you looked EVERYONE was talking about eliminating your limiting beliefs. “CRUSH them and overcome them because its your limiting beliefs that are the reason you're stuck, they are the reason you're angry, they are the reason you procrastinate or don't earn as much money or whatever it is you want that you're not getting” And then around 18 months or so ago, the conversation seems to have shifted more towards the nervous system instead. I don't know if I've noticed that because that IS the work I do and qualified in, so I've started to notice it everywhere because my RAS is picking it up.... OR whether it really is because the "trend" has moved directions? Regardless, what I'm seeing everywhere (and alot from people who have never trained) is talk about nervous system regulation, fight / flight or shut down. And I do wonder if this is because the whole “limiting beliefs” conversation has become so saturated that people are looking for the next new angle and the nervous system work has become THAT angle. I've trained and qualified in both cognitive side of things AND nervous system work, and I know first hand from my own personal experience how BOTH have played a transformational role in my own life, before ever working with anyone else. Understanding our thought patterns (or as I call them "stinking thinking") and the beliefs we hold onto about ourself, others and the world and how they influence the stories we tell ourselves without even realising we're doing it, is something I've always believed should be taught to kids from reception class! AND understanding the physiological responses of the body when it is under pressure or stress or danger equally, is important. I think BOTH are incredibly important. I don't think that either one, on it's own is THE answer. I think they are pieces of a much bigger, more holistic puzzle. ANd I think a lot of people go into working on either one of these things with the WRONG goal in mind... Alot of people seek professional support to do this work, whether it's through coaching, therapy or counselling with this idea that eventually you'll reach a point that everything that troubles you, will just STOP troubling you.... Like a miraculous switch will be pulled and you won't ever feel the anger or frustration when the kids aren't listening to you and you feel invisible! The idea or the belief is that if you just work through and unpack enough limiting beliefs and breathe to regulate the nervous system, then you won't have these destructive thoughts any more and nothing will ever trigger you. Eventually you'll reach a point where nothing ever phases you. And I just don't think that's the reality. In fact, I KNOW it isn’t. Especially as believers... because we KNOW this life IS a test, and that we'll be tested until the day we die. We also know that shaytaan is NEVER going to stop whispering just because you've identified your limiting beliefs or have some nervous system tools to lean into. Shaytaan is RELENTLESS! Shaytaan KNOWS what to get you with. He KNOWS every painful experience you've been through to poke and remind you of, and magnify the hurt so even if you have worked through something, that something might still come back knocking on your door again three years later! You can do all "the work" and therapeutic unpacking in the world, and still something happens and that anger or fear will rattle you. THAT is what you need to understand. Because the goal is to get better at recognising when something is coming up for you, within you, and knowing what to do when it does. The goal isn't to NEVER experience anger or pain or triggers..

Last year I did something pretty BIG to support our Muslim communities... You might have seen a couple of very small glimpses of it BUT I've never really talked about it to put the spotlight on it, so that's what I'm going to do now I invested in further training so that alongside the parenting and motherhood growth work I already do, I could begin delivering CPD (for those of you in the UK) and CE (for my US friends!) accredited trauma informed trainings for parents, teachers, schools and organisations who want to understand how trauma shows up and everyday responses to it...because its NOT what you think Most people think trauma is some HUGE life-changing event like war or an attack or abuse (and yes it is that) but it's so much more than that. It's how all our experiences throughout our entire life have taught us what is safe and what is dangerous. And danger doesn't just mean theres a fire in your house or a man attacking you. Danger can mean being left out at school, it can mean parents constantly arguing and angry all the time, it can mean not having enough money for for food, it can mean being bullied, it can mean being ignored, it can mean being afraid to fail at school. Because all these things effect how our body physiologically reacts, and that effects how we behave I've found understanding the nervous system and what goes on within us to be transformational in not only how I and the women I work with understand our children, but equally importantly how we understand ourselves and everyone else around us It helps us understand why one second a child in front of us seems capable of listening to your instruction without a fuss and the next they're having the worlds most epic meltdown! It helps us understand why you yourself, feel like shutting down and running away from the world sometimes, & other times uncontrollable rage bursts out from seemingly no where over the smallest thing! It helps us understand why any one of us, goes quiet or looks lazy or rude or totally uninterested when whats really going on, is we are trying to cope with something that feels like a threat to us. And like I said, threat doesn't' mean a fire in your house or a man coming to attack you! Understanding the nervous system allows us to move away from asking "What's wrong with me/you?" and instead ask "What might be happening inside me/you right now?" When we look at the nervous system it is never about excusing harmful destructive behaviour and removing accountability by putting the word "trauma" into everything. What is DOES mean however, is understanding that the behaviour we see in others or experience within ourselves is a SIGN of A problem but it is not THE problem To resolve the outward visible behaviour, we want to get better at getting to the root of what's causing it, because if THAT is "resolved" then the behaviour naturally improves You can't tell a child OR expect yourself to just "CALM DOWN" and "STOP IT" if you don't understand WHY you can't access calm in that moment - that is a MASSIVE piece of teh puzzle When we start to better understand what IS happening UNDER the visible behaviour, we have more proactive choices in what we do next If you are a muma, female teacher or professional supporting families and children, and would like to enhance your professional development with that CPD / CE recognition, registration is open for my 3-hour trauma informed parenting workshop to increase a child's mental health and wellbeing Not only will you better understand the child in front of you, you're going to walk away understanding yourself and your own reactions on a whole new level of awareness Register to save your place (please note, you MUST attend LIVE to receive the certificate - I don't make up the rules!) 📅 Sunday 13th September ⏰2pm - 6pm BST | 9am - 1pm ET | 4pm - 8pm KSA 💻 ONLINE via Zoom 🎟️ £39 🔗 https://mumsunstuck.com/cpd-parent Ps.

If you're part of a school or organisation that would benefit from accredited training like this, please reach out to host an exclusive training for your staff/team

My (adult) daughter yesterday read out a quote that came up on her feed, saying: Are you climbing the mountain so the world see’s you, or are you climbing the mountain so you see the world? I’m going to use that to say something with similar effect to you…and this is a serious question to ask yourself Are you raising your children so that the world see’s how “righteous” you are, or are you raising them so Allah does? Because your answer is going to radically CHANGE how you actually parent and respond to the everyday chaos raising children brings Because sis, kids do “dumb” things sometimes! They mess up! They cry! They make noise! They want to play instead of study! They act before they think! Even though they know better, they don’t always do what they know! (And if we’re honest, you’re a grown adult and neither do you) And that’s what they have you there for, that’s why they have parents! To be on hand when they need a gentle nudge in the right direction. Your children need YOU right now. The question is, who do you need?

Swipe slides first ⬆️ I’m e shared this story a number of times over the years because it shows the REALITY our children grow up witnessing VS the idea we have in our heads about what we’re doing and how we’re showing up Don’t misunderstand me here, we don’t want to be creating a fantasy to our children that there are no grown up problems and life is easy peasy without any effort or work involved. But at the same time we don’t want to paint a picture that THEY are hard work, and the idea that our exhaustion or stress is because of them! Muma you HAVE to look after you first! And I know you’ve heard that a thousand times it’s become so cliché But it is true You do have to look after yourself becauee yoh are literally the glue holding your household together The most important person in your life is actually YOU. Yep I said it At the end of the day, you can only GIVE others what you HAVE within yourself If you’re stressed all the time, everyone around you RECIEVES your stress Do you get what I’m saying? Although this is technically a “parenting” page, 80% of the work I do with my ladies has NOTHING to do with the kids and everything to do with them. Their own needs, and emotions, and fears, and goals, and habits Because your ability to parent “well” is in direct proportion to your internal capacity to handle the everyday chaos. And that’s influenced by how you think, feel and do. If you know parenting is so much MORE than just the kids, I think you might wanna hang out with me over here a little more (smiles)