Mums Unstuck

Every so often I think it's important to explain what Mums Unstuck actually is. Because whenever I share about the challenges some mothers face, someone will inevitably ask, "But what about men?". Every time I address the emotional support women need, someone wants to remind me that some women are abusive. Every time I address women trying to raise their children while their husband is absent, has addictions or adulterous and the negative consequence that has on her children, someone will pipe up with "What about women who don't fulfil their responsibilities". WHen talking about specific issues or challenges some people face, does not negate the challenges of others and neither does it mean these women are free from accountability. It doesn't. The fact that I choose to speak to women does not mean men don't matter. The fact that I help women overcome their struggles does not mean some women don't cause harm. Those things can both be true at the same time. They're simply different conversations. I chose to dedicate my career to one conversation. I support Muslim women. More specifically, I support Muslim women who genuinely want to fulfil the responsibility Allah has entrusted them with. Women who carry the weight of motherhood seriously and want to raise children with strong character, emotional security and love for their Lord, while also recognising that they cannot keep pouring from an empty cup. Some of these women stay at home. Some work. Some homeschool. Some school. Some run businesses. Some are exhausted. Some are healing. Some are already thriving. Some are trying to break patterns that have been in their families for generations because they don't want their children carrying them into the next generation. Some are trying to ensure the toxic abusive marriage they are in, doesn't effect their children (and that is the most heartbreaking of them all). They don't come to Mums Unstuck because they think they're perfect. They come because they want to become better. That is who this business exists to serve. And Mums Unstuck IS a business. Mums Unstuck isn't a platform where I try to solve every problem facing everyone. It isn't a place where I debate every issue affecting marriages, families or society. It isn't a dawah organisation. It isn't an influencer page. It is a specialist coaching and education business built around one mission. Mums Unstuck exists to help women raise their children... and raise themselves in the process. My work is also built on years of studying and working in the fields of parenting, behaviour, communication, coaching and emotional wellbeing, because loving our children is one thing. Having the skills to lead them well is another. So if you're a father who is triggered when I discuss the issues that effect women, wondering why I don't write content for men, or you're looking for support with a different problem, I genuinely hope you find someone whose life's work is dedicated to helping you. Go find Dads Unstuck. Because every specialist chooses a lane. This one is mine. And every day, with the permission of Allah, I'll continue showing up for the mothers who have decided they don't just want to raise children. They want to raise a generation. And they know that begins by raising themselves first. If you ARE a woman and this resonates with you, join the community www.mumsunstuck.com

I’ve always said I dislike city life. It’s dirty and everyone is so disconnected from each other. We’re neighbours yet strangers. Time passes super fast and days are filled with the constant mental noise asking “what’s next?” On the rare opportunity we take to venture out into the countryside or coast, it always hits us how life is passing us by. When I stand in front of the sea, it always soothes me. All the small things I stress about fade away, replaced by the reminder of what truly matters. I’ve always longed to live in a place like this (on route to my Madina dream) to raise my children, where kids can actually be kids. They can explore, theh can adventure, they can get off the screen! They can see the vastness of Allah’s creation and experience how humbling it is to realise you are one small piece in this giant landscape. I really do feel that time slows down here. I think that is largely because we’re not distracted with the hundred unimportant things we’re convinced are important, and instead, we actually live in the present moment. That’s what I think it really is - presence. In a place like this, how can you not be? Tell me I’m not the only one who besides the Madina dream (May Allah facilitate it!), dreams of living in a small seaside coastal village, with a masjid, a halal organic butcher and farm shop, a small co-op style school and a beautiful sisterhood? Kids playing outside together safely instead of being held prisoners indoors! Tell me it’s not just me?

I’m at a stage where talking about marriage with my children is becoming a bigger topic of conversation, and the conversations we’re having are hard because my children are sharing their concerns about finding a suitable spouse when so many people are addicted to the internet, or are work shy, or who don’t commit to the marriage. Truth be told, it is a concern for me as their mother too. Sadly I’ve encountered many women who have been abused physically or emotionally in their marriages or an absent or adulterous husband and I’ve seen firsthand hand the toll it takes not only on them, but crucially, their children. When a woman feels emotionally SAFE and supported in her marriage, she is ABLE to pour into her children all that they need from her. Her energy isn’t spent in survival mode, in constant fight/flight mode or functional freeze….where she is able to get things “done” but is numb and disconnected inside. INSTEAD, when she is emotionally safe, she can focus on creating a nurturing environment for her family. What some men need to know, is when a wife feels emotionally unsafe, she is constantly on high alert - emotional exhaustion leaves her unable to give her children the patience, love, and attention they need. A good husband is the one who makes it EASY for his wife to be a good mother by giving her that emotional safety. By supporting her to focus on her children and honouring her in front of them. And YES, equally, a good wife is one who makes it easy for her husband to be a good father by supporting him, respecting him and honouring him too Both husband and wife are pillars holding up the family. If one pillar is broken and not doing their job, the other one crumbles under the weight they are left supporting and holding up alone. And when that crumbles, and there are no pillars left, what do you think happens to the children? Food for thought.

A beautiful and much needed reminder Advice to young mothers who feel like failures - By Abu Hakeem Bilāl Davis https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VxCQNLf2K7U&pp=iggCQAE%3D&ra=m

I was reading before bed last night and towards the end of the chapter, the author said something along the lines of let go of past mistakes. It's not a parenting book. It's a book about using fasting to heal your body, with the permission of Allah. But there’s a lesson I want you to take from it, that has nothing to do with fasting and food! Let go of past mistakes. I've seen how holding onto mistakes destroys people. When it comes to what I call inside the membership as being "naughty muma moments" (you know, when even though you know better, you might say or do something against your child that is NOT okay), the GUILT that follows is a blessing. Guilt is a powerful emotion.Like ALL emotions it has a job to do. Think of emotions as being a BIG FLASHING NEON sign above your head telling you to pay attention to something. So when guilt hits, it's telling you that something needs changing and/or to make amends. Guilt is NOT the same as shame. Guilt is a proactive emotion pushing you toward beneficial action. Whereas shame keeps you stagnant and stuck in a perpetual cycle of rumination that makes you believe you're inherently bad. When it comes to shame, you have to let go of past mistakes to let go of shame. You have to see them for what they are, a mistake, and learn from it so you can do better insha'Allah. Correct it if you can, and take the lesson you learned with you. ❤️‍🩹

That’s what I caught myself saying to myself. I hate myself. It’s an intrusive thought that shows up when I feel I haven’t done enough, or when I’ve feel I said something stupid. My brain (or more accurately, the waswas of Shaytaan) likes to showcase moments and highlight the flaws I made to remind me I’m not good enough) I caught myself saying it again - that I hate myself… literally those three exact words. But this time, I got curious. I asked why do I keep saying this? Where is this thought coming from? I realised it’s not myself I hate, it’s my actions. It’s some of the choices I make. It’s the things that I do or don’t do enough of. That was an huge breakthrough because if it’s the actions I hate, I can change that insha’Allah. And so I decided to give myself an exercise. To get a pen and paper out to explore what are the specific actions or behaviours or choices I’m making, that I dislike? And importantly, what do I need to do instead? What’s intersting about my reflection, is today I started thinking about this incident again, and I realised it’s my actions that make me who I am. It’s our actions that carve our identity. Does that make sense? The challenge is, who we believe we are has a funny way of influencing what we go out and do. This is why it’s really important, when you’re talking to your children, to highlight their positive actions and effort, not praise them for inherently being a certain way. They are not “smart” because they are just smart….they are smart because they read, they study, they revise, they ask questions, they are interested! They are not a “good girl” or “good boy” because they are just good. They are good because they helped tidy their toys, or they gave their sister a cuddle when she was upset, or they put their shoes away when you asked them. AND EQUALLY…. They are not “naughty” because they are inherently naughty… their behaviour or their action was inappropriate. And that’s what need to be called out - their specific action, not their identity If you’re a muma, I’d love to hear if this has been helpful to you? Umm Khadeeja Mums Unstuck

🖤 We love to seek out proactive Muslim mumas ready to ditch quick fixes that don’t stick and build positive lasting change starting with YOU. 👉It’s not just a parenting membership... It’s an ongoing personal journey to raise yourself, disguised as parenting support. ✔️We know what you WANT is help handling the everyday parenting chaos with the kids.... and we give you that. ✔️We also know what you NEED is help building the connection with yourself first. So we give you that too. People are (pleasantly) surprised when they join us to find 80% of what we do has nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with you... YOUR fears YOUR BIG feelings YOUR actions YOUR behaviours YOUR needs YOUR challenges 🧀Because as cheesy as this might sound (sometimes we need the cheese), you are the beating heart of your home, and when you feel okay, the house is okay with you. 🎓So if you genuinely enjoy and recognise the value in doing some of the inner work and building the skills to help you be, do and have better for yourself AND for your children, join us! ⚠️Membership is NOT a quick fix (although mumas who have taken the program seriously have seen immediate improvements within days Allahumma barik).... 🌱It is about building positive lasting impact, and that requires time, effort and consistency. Thats what membership is here to help you attain, insha'Allah. 🫶Any questions? Please do ask 👉Ready to join? www.mumsunstuck.com

I hope that you really see that to make positive, lasting impact within your home, you've got to stop collecting knowledge and start implementing it. That's the secret. The biggest secret toward positive change (after dua) is implement what you know. AND, I'll add a second part to this that is crucially important to successful implementation....give yourself enough time and grace to see the change so you don't give up too soon. We expect overnight change, and we give up when we don't get it. We stop nagging the kids and they still don't listen, so we cay this isn't working. I'll be real with you. I have weight to lose. Those of you who know me, you know I'm losing weight right now. I hope I can get to the end. One thing I've really had to get to grips with which is really frustrating (anybody who's lost weight knows this) is you might be doing all the "right" things, you're exercising, you're eating well you have more energy, you feel less bloated.... and you think "I should be skinny now" when you look in the mirror and everything is the same. BUT.... there is a lag time. There's a time lag you have to accustom yourself to between taking the action and seeing the results. I'm not going to see results after 3 weeks. I'm not even going to see results in 3 months. But if I remain consistent and trust the process, I'll get there insha'Alah. There's a time lag between making the changes you want to make in any area of your life, and that includes how you parent and the relationship you have with your children. You've got to get used to making those positive changes, and not necessarily seeing the results straight away, but know that it's coming, insha'Allah. There's a really nice example that I used to give that explains this really well with the bamboo tree. You have to plant the bamboo seed, and it needs sunlight and water…but, for the first 5 years you don't see anything. The ground looks barren. It looks like nothing is happening. But, it still needs water and sunlight. And after 5 years, you started to see this small little sprout emerge from the ground. And within 6 weeks, that tiny little sprout grows 90 feet!!!! SubhanAllah. So for 5 years, it needs the nurturing, it needs the water, it needs the sunlight, and it looks like nothing's happening! But if you don't give up too soon eventually that small shoot emerges, and within 6 weeks, the change is transformational. I want you to understand that whatever you are doing in your life right now for yourself or for your children, if you're trying to make changes, whatever change looks like to you, you've got to give it time. You've got to understand there is a lag time between the change you make and seeing the result. I unpacked this in yesterdays LIVE Zoom training and the replay is up until Wednesday morning, so if you want to catch it there's still time to register with immediate access https://mumsunstuck.com/register-8960

I know you’re probably SICK of hearing me talk about this BUT you’re on this Chanel for a reason…. And the answers you’re looking for are not found in short social media posts…. They are found in real rooms with real people If you’re a MUMA and you have NO plans for today, how do you fancy meeting me on Zoom in a couple of hours to unpack: 👉BIG feelings 👉Fwberational cycles 👉The dysfunctional parenting trap AND 👉 Understanding WHY kids (AND YOU!!) misbehave? We ALL need a sisterhood that pushes us to continuously make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today, insha’Allah!! That’s exactly what todays LIVE session is about, so bring your favourite drink and put on your BIG girl boots ready for action…. Becauee you won’t leave the same (smiles) There’s still time to register and get the zoom invite 🖤 👉 We start at 2pm BST (9am ET / 4pm KSA) insha’Allah Yellah let’s do this!

I remember when I was pregnant with my firstborn 20 years ago... I imagined the muma I’d be.... I was going to be the COOLEST mum... I imagined giving my daughter so much love she’d never feel she wasn’t enough like I did... I’d listen and talk to her so she’d never feel unimportant like I did... I’d teach her everything about Islam, because I didn’t grow up with that.... I, of course, wasn’t going to have all the problems “other” parents faced because I had it all figured out...BEFORE she was even born! It’s EASY to be the “perfect” parent when you don’t have children yet! Then, reality hit.... It’s NOT as easy when you realise that you have NO IDEA how to handle tantrums because your own nervous system feels like it’s on fire, flooding you with sensations you don’t understand. You finally see that parenting isn’t just about raising a child... It’s about managing your own inner chaos first so you CAN raise a child! We would never expect a doctor to doctor without a medical school. We would never trust a teacher who had never studied their subject. We would never say to them “you’ll figure it out, just follow your gut” Yet, this is exactly what happens to women when we give birth. No one teaches you HOW to stay grounded when 3 children under 3 need you at the same time. No one teaches you what to do when your toddler SCREAMS for connection while the dinner burns and your head feels heavy with it all. No one teaches you why your own childhood conditioning makes certain behaviours feel so triggering No one teaches you how to regulate YOUR BIG feelings, or how to calm an overwhelmed nervous system, or how to hold boundaries without giving in AND without aggression! Somehow you’re expected to know, because you gave birth! So you push yourself. You blame yourself. You wonder why you can’t get it right. ANd you shame yourself for not knowing what you haven;t learned to do....YET!!!! You don’t see that motherhood is a skillset Emotional regulation is a skillset Understanding behaviour is a skillset Leading your home with connection AND authority is a skillset These are all learnable, practical, deeply empowering skills and the mumas who THRIVE are not the one’s who “instinctively knew”. They are the ones who had the courage to learn what they were never taught BECAUSE there was no reason to learn before being a mother! When you learn the skills you haven't yet built, you break cycles, and you teach your children to do the same... You create a home where everyone, including YOU, is allowed to be, do and have better, insha’Allah. And THAT is how you become an excellent mother... not by knowing everything on day one, but by refusing to settle for surviving when you KNOW your family is capable of so much more! I’m hosting a FREE Zoom tomorrow for mumas who want to start learning what you were never taught and be a part of this work! Save your spot

I'm sitting at my desk prepping the last minute additions ready for tomorrows FREE live Zoom training and it got me thinking about how FEW people actually take advantage of sessions like this. People NEED (good) people!!! And when women who ARE dedicated to raising their children WITHOUT losing themselves in the process, come together because they want MORE for themselves and families, something amazing happens.... We are who we hang out with! And when you're in spaces with women striving to be, do and have better, that rubs off on you and you SEE what IS possible for you, insha'Allah. I promise you, if you show up ready to play full out with me, you will NOT leave tomorrow's training the same as you entered, insha'Allah. What we're discussing tomorrow, most people never learn.... which is why we end up with so many grown adults walking around like giant over-sized babies unable to handle their frustrations appropriately...because they were never taught! Most people are not taught WHY they're angry Most people are not taught WHY breaking destructive habits is so hard Most people are not taught WHY they swing back and forth between strict authoritarian parenting when the kids are not listening and then to permissive walk-over parenting when they feel guilty for the way they acted. Come join me, it costs you NOTHING other than your time... and if you're prepared to invest a couple of hours with me, insha'Allah you will walk away SAVING time in the future not dealing with the same stresses on repeat! Save your spot

Register for the Zoom link for Sundays LIVE training (FREE!!!!) https://mumsunstuck.com/free_training

A lot of what I do behind the scenes at Mums Unstuck HQ looks exactly like this. Sitting behind a laptop, creating workshops, recording audios, building resources, answering questions and supporting my community. If you glanced at my screen, you might assume I’m creating parenting content, but I’m actually doing something very different. Because despite what many people think, Mums Unstuck was never really about children. I know that’s a strange thing to say for a parenting membership. Of course we talk about tantrums, sibling fights, cooperation, boundaries, teenagers, discipline, emotional regulation and all the everyday chaos that come with raising a family. But if you’ve been around here for any length of time, you’ll know that we always seem to come back to the same place. The mother. This isn’t because mothers are the problem, but because mothers are often the most overlooked part of the solution. Many women who enter the Mums Unstuck world come looking for strategies to change their child’s behaviour. What they quickly discover is that the greatest transformation often begins when they start understanding their own. Their own triggers. Their own fears. Their own beliefs. Their own wounds. Their own nervous system. Their own story. Most parenting advisors out there will have you believe you have to put all your attention on fixing everyone around them…. Fix your child.. Fix the routine. Fix the behaviour. Very few people invite you to turn inward and ask a different question instead…. “What needs healing, growth, attention or support inside me?” Because parenting and raising children really begins with parenting and raising yourself first. And it is a continuous process of growth because no sooner do you think you have everything worked out, the children grow and you new skills are needed. Problems evolve. The toddler who throws tantrums becomes the teenager who shuts you out. The challenges change, but the need for growth never does. That’s why I’ve never wanted Mums Unstuck to be a place people visit only when things are falling apart. With the permission of Allah, I want it to be a place women grow with. A place they return to through every season of motherhood and life. A place where personal responsibility is valued more than never making a mistake. Where awareness matters more than perfection. Where healing matters more than appearances. Where growth becomes a way of life. Some people want parenting tips and quick fixes and there’s nothing wrong with that. BUT What we’re building here is bigger than the latest manipulative hack. We’re building a community of women who refuse to stay stuck. Women who understand that changing a family doesn’t start with controlling and changing everyone else. It starts with having the courage to change ourselves. And while this photo shows a laptop and a workshop slide, what I see when I look at it is something much bigger. I see mothers doing the inner work so their children don’t have to carry what they carried. I see women breaking patterns that may have existed for generations. I see lives changing from the inside out. Because the work we do today does not stop with us. It ripples into our marriages, our homes, our children, and in shaa Allah into generations we may never meet. I see a movement of women committed to raising their children while continuing to raise themselves 🖤 That’s something so much more than a memebrship with tools and trainings and PDF guides. That’s a whole movement 💪

If you’re on social media following all the parenting and personal development accounts, you have to know the answers you’re looking for are not here….. social media gives you the ILLUSION of benefit while leaving you more confused! Join me LIVE this Sunday and get off social media to spend a couple of hours in a space thag actually values building positive lasting impact instead of relying on quick fixes that don’t stick! We are DROWNING in information- information is EVERYWHERE! Chat GPT will tell you almost anything BUT…. ❌Chat GPT is NOT always accurate ❌It can NOT give you human connection (which IS what you need) ❌It can NOT give you the wisdom of experience And it’s on that last point that I want to highlight - we are drowning in information and STARVING for wisdom! Get into human spaces with real people not an AI bot telling you what you think you want to hear and discover what you actually NEED to hear instead! I’m unpacking LIVE this weekend the simple steps you can start to take that will stop you going to bed every night hating the day you just had. I’m going to share with you how to stop seeing your children as the problem and how to fall in love with parenting them regardless of whether you’re a SAHM or working muma! Save your spot https://mumsunstuck.com/free_training

It’s 10:30pm and usually I’m not posting on social media at this time. But as I was preparing to make my way up to bed, I thought to myself I need to sit down and explore on paper what do I hope to have attained by the time I reach 50, insha’Allah. Usually when you hear peope speak about future goals and aspirations they ask you the question “where do you see yourself in X years?”. And really, what does that even mean? I started thinking about myself as a little girl, and I questioned am I someone that little girl would have been obbsessed with? And if I’m brutally honest, maybe not so much. So I looked at myself and I thought, who do I want to be at 50, that (almost) 44 year old me would be excited for? And importantly, what do I have to start doing now, to get to 50 year old me with those things, insha’Allah? I’ve reached a stage in my life where my children are not really so much children anymore, they are young women. And I question what does my life look like without chasing after my kids all day? Don’t get me wrong, I’m still mum….but life isn’t the same as when they were 3 or 7 or 13 or 15. Sometimes we put our all into our children, it’s easy to forget about ourselves. And one thing I’ve learned as I’ve matured, is exactly what you can see on the card in the photo: Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind. Your children are only going to be as strong as you are. Everyone around you is only going to be as happy as you are. Because believe me, if you’re misterable and unfulfilled, everyone around you is too becauee that vibe travels. If you want to be a phenomenal parent, it starts by being phenomenal to yourself first. So my question to you, is add 5 or 10 years onto your age now and look at that number. What do you want to have attained or done by that age insha’Allah? And what must you start doing now to gift yourself that future success, with the permission of Allah? I’m going to go answer that for myself now. 📝 Umm Khadeeja