/r/Jokes

Over 75% of American adults say they would buy a laser gun if made available to the public, according to the Pew Pew Pew Research Center. https://redd.it/1w9saqx @r_jokes

My wife's contractions were getting closer so we dashed off to the hospital. After getting checked in, the obstetrician came into the room, examined my wife, wrote "Annie" on her chart and left the room. We were obviously confused and asked the nurse what it meant. She said "This means you can go home -- there won't be a baby today." Even more confused we asked how she was able to interpret that. She told us "The doctor is a big fan of musicals. His note means 'The son will come out tomorrow!'." https://redd.it/1w9swew @r_jokes

"When one door closes, another one is sure to open" ...my grandfather always used to say. A good man but awful at assembling cupboards. \- old Russian joke printed in a Russian paper and translated by Steve Rosenberg https://redd.it/1w9njhk @r_jokes

Grandma knows best A grandmother was sitting at the dining table after a Sunday lunch visiting with her two grand kids. Stephanie,” Grandma says, “I think you should become a police officer.” “What!?” Stephanie retorted. “I do not want to be a police man.” “Well, from what I hear, you chase after the same men they do, so you might as well get paid for it.” https://redd.it/1w9g500 @r_jokes

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN... They will get very angry. https://redd.it/1w9fl6a @r_jokes

I met a guy that told me he was autistic I asked "So, you take things literally?" And he said "No. That's a kleptomaniac." https://redd.it/1w9ba4o @r_jokes

Meeting the missus Ted asks his colleague, "So Larry, when are you gonna have me over to meet the missus?" "Well", says Larry, "she’s very shy, and doesn’t love socializing." "Ah come on Larry, it’ll be a quiet evening with just us three." "Hmm, OK let me talk to her." A few days later, Larry says “OK I talked her into it, but you have to remember how hard this is for her. Promise me you won’t say anything that might upset her." Ted says sure, of course, so they agree on dinner Friday at seven. Friday rolls around, and Larry meets Ted at his front door. "Welcome, Ted! Come on in, and just remember: we’re making a real effort here, so let’s have a nice quiet calm evening." Ted agrees and walks through to the living room, where he stops dead in his tracks and shouts, "OH MY GOD LARRY YOUR WIFE IS A FUCKING TURTLE" Larry says, "Ted, look what you’ve done! Do you have any idea what it took to get her out of her shell?" https://redd.it/1w8xegf @r_jokes

Centipede This guy, Matt, was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion Matt bought a centipede, who came complete with a cute, little box to use as his house. Matt decided the best way to welcome his pet centipede into his life would be to take him to the local watering hole for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me to have a beer?' There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Matt a bit. He waited a few minutes and then asked the centipede again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' Again, there was no answer from his new pet centipede, so he waited a few minutes more, stewing about the situation. He asked one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? This time, a little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes! https://redd.it/1w8w03q @r_jokes

Bob is getting a sex change. Bob's niece: "But doctor, isn't it dangerous?" Doctor: "Gender-affirming surgery? It's actually quite routine. More than fifty thousand people have undergone it." Niece: "So it's safe?" Doctor: "It's just a little snip here, and a little stitch there." Niece: "And?" Doctor: "Bob's your aunt." https://redd.it/1w8x2vp @r_jokes

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" https://redd.it/1w8vwjr @r_jokes

I sold my vacuum cleaner today It was just collecting dust https://redd.it/1w8rxva @r_jokes

Nobody knows exactly how long to boil corn on the cob for. They just play it by ear. https://redd.it/1w8cuy3 @r_jokes

Did you know that garbage men don’t get any formal training? They just pick it up as they go along! https://redd.it/1w8fi2h @r_jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a Doberman dressed in a suit and tie. The guy asks “Do you serve lawyers here (pointing to the dog)? The bartender says Yes. The guy says, “I’ll have a Guinness draft, and my doggy will have a lawyer”. https://redd.it/1w8bwwh @r_jokes

Claude has been out of work for a while. When he sees a job offering for a Lion Tamer saying "No Experience Required" he jumps at it. He arrives at the small office and he quickly realizes he's the only applicant. Claude questions, "How am I gonna be a lion tamer? I'm afraid of cats!" The Ringmaster said, "Listen, it's mostly theater, you just have to learn the moves. In case anything happens you have the whip and the chair. If they start to get aggressive, you can use the whip and the chair to remind them who's boss." "What if that doesn't work?" The Ringmaster came back with, "In the rare event that happens, reach into your pants, pull out some of poop that's in there, and rub it in his eyes." There was a long pause and as Claude asked, "How can you be sure it'll be in there?" "Trust me, it'll be there" https://redd.it/1w8blf2 @r_jokes

The director of a mental asylum is showing an inspector around. They come to a room with a single patient sitting on a bed and laughing. "Why is he laughing?" asks the inspector. "Oh, that's Carl," says the director. "He tells jokes to himself." "Hmmm," says the inspector. "He just stopped laughing. Why is that?" And the director says, "That's because he's already heard that one." https://redd.it/1w86rbc @r_jokes

Is it OK to have oral sex with a 95yr old woman? I wasn't sure, and my friends said it was a bit of a grey area. https://redd.it/1w83rzx @r_jokes

One day, Peter the Pig found a piece of bacon on the ground and decided to taste it. He was shocked at how delicious it was and he began to actively seek out and eat bacon every chance he could. Naturally, the other pigs found this deeply disturbing and they went to see Farmer Brown to talk about Peter's strange behavior. He told them, "Bring Peter to me and I'll give him some intense counseling sessions." So Peter went off with Farmer Brown. A week later the pigs went up to the farmhouse to ask how Peter's treatment was going. Farmer Brown opened the door and, munching on a piece of bacon, told them “Don’t worry about Peter. I’ve cured him.” https://redd.it/1w80x1u @r_jokes

Somebody once tried paying me with counterfeit Brazilian money I knew it wasn't real https://redd.it/1w7vuxk @r_jokes

Did you know that Germans eat more bananas than monkeys? Last year the German population reportedly consumed up to 435.580.854 bananas, but only four monkeys https://redd.it/1w7ub6d @r_jokes