/r/Jokes

An old man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his family. One of them asked him if he had any worries about his health and future, and he replied: "I have no worries at all! Statistically, very few people die between their 100th and 101st birthday!" https://redd.it/1ubdc2y @r_jokes

Why do Soviet policemen always patrol in groups of three? One can read the orders. One can write the arrest report. And the third is from the KGB, keeping an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals. https://redd.it/1ub8evk @r_jokes

I said to my wife, "I want to marry another woman" Just to see her reaction. On the first day, I saw nothing. Then on the second day, I still saw nothing. On the third day, I started to see a little with my left eye https://redd.it/1ub9d4c @r_jokes

My 5 year old came up with this joke after some contemplation: “what do people order for in-flight breakfast?” Plain bagels It’s not perfect but it makes me proud that he’s getting the structure. https://redd.it/1ub4s88 @r_jokes

A sadist, zoophile, necrophile and masochist meet in a bar... Sadist: "We should get ourselves a chicken and kill it!" Zoophile: "We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, and then kill it!" Necrophile: "We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, kill it, and then have sex with it again!" Masochist: "BWAK BOK BOK BOK" https://redd.it/1ub0stu @r_jokes

My friend and I got into an argument during a hot-air balloon ride. Sadly it led to a falling out. https://redd.it/1uaq990 @r_jokes

Gaining weight at 40. My friend tole me that he was worried about gaining weight as he was turning 40. I told him that it was inevitable as he was about to be XL. https://redd.it/1uaq34d @r_jokes

A schoolboy has to write an essay on the difference between theory and reality. He asks his father for help. His father says, "Well, go and ask your mother if, theoretically, she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." The boy does so. She says, "Well, I could never do anything to hurt your father, but I think in this case he would understand. Think of all the good that money could do for our family! So I would say, yes I would." He goes back to his father and tells him what she said. He says, "OK, now go to your sister and ask her the same thing, and make it two million dollars." His sister says, "Well, I'm saving myself for marriage. But think of all the good I could do with that money! All the people I could help! So I would have to say, yes I would." He goes back to his father and reports the results. "Now you see, this is the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on three million bucks, here." "Yeah?" "In reality, we're just living with a couple of sluts." https://redd.it/1uap1to @r_jokes

Why were the laborers who built the pyramids never paid? They were part of a Pyramid Scheme https://redd.it/1ualkqm @r_jokes

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is starting to look like an increasingly sound basis for a system of government, https://redd.it/1u9w1ux @r_jokes

O'Brien lived alone in the Irish countryside for many years, with just his dog for company. One day, the dog died, and O'Brien went to see Father Mullaney, the parish priest. "Father, me darlin' pup has passed on. I was wonderin', could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" "Ah, I'm afraid not, we can't be havin' services for an animal in the church. But there's a few Baptists down the road and there's no tellin' what they're believin' in. Maybe they'll do somethin' for the poor creature." "I'll be headin' off straight away, Father. Do ye think five grand would be enough to donate for the service?" "Sweet Mary, mother o' Jesus! Why didn't ye tell me the dog was a bleedin' Catholic?" https://redd.it/1ua7doz @r_jokes

A lumberjack was chopping down a tree by a river when he dropped his axe into the water. He wept bitterly in distress, but suddenly God appeared to him and asked: "Why are you crying?" "I've dropped my axe into the river, and now I will no longer be able to provide for my family", replied the lumberjack. Then God reached into the river, pulled out a golden axe, and asked: "Is this your axe?" "No, that is not my axe," the man replied. God reached into the river again, pulled out a silver axe, and asked: "Perhaps this is your axe?" "No, that is not my axe either," the man answered. Finally, God reached into the river and pulled out an iron axe. "Yes! That is my axe!", the lumberjack exclaimed joyfully. "I see that you are an honest man who observes my commandments," said God. "Therefore, take all three axes as your reward." The lumberjack went on to live a life of prosperity and comfort, but one day, accidentally his wife fell into the river. Once again, he could not control his emotions. And once again, God appeared to him and asked: "Why are you weeping?" "How can I not? My wife has fallen into the river!" Then God reached into the river, pulled out Margot Robbie, and asked: "Is this your wife?" "Yes! That is my wife!", the lumberjack screamed in joy. God grew angry: "You lied to me! How could you do such a thing?!" "You see", replied the man, "there's a slight misunderstanding here. Had I answered that she was not my wife, you would have pulled Scarlett Johansson out of the river; then I would have said again that she was not my wife. Then you would have pulled out my actual wife, and I would have said, 'Yes, that is my spouse.' You would have given me all three of them, and what on earth would I have done with them? I wouldn't have been able to provide for all of us." Moral: When men lie, they do so with dignity and for the common good. https://redd.it/1ua7aza @r_jokes

Animal Planet A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!" https://redd.it/1ua1yty @r_jokes

An engineer takes his expensive entanglement-powered car to a quantum mechanic and says, "My car is broken, and I have to be at a meeting in two hours. It's a matter of life and death." The quantum mechanic says, "No problem. That'll be $500. Come back in an hour." The engineer returns in an hour and asks the quantum mechanic, "Is my car fixed?" The quantum mechanic says, "It is both fixed and not fixed." Frustrated, the engineer says, "This is the most advanced car in the world, and lives depend on me attending this meeting! Don't you understand the gravity of the situation?" And the quantum mechanic says, "No." https://redd.it/1ua1fb3 @r_jokes

A man wants a room in a hotel, but it's book solid. So he asks the receptionist "If King Charles would arrive this moment, would you give him a room?" "Yes, of course, he'd get a room." says the receptionist. Angrily the would be guest retorts "Well, he isn't coming so give me his room." https://redd.it/1u9x4gu @r_jokes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man said he had trouble at church. What happened, asked his boss. Well, the man said, it started when we stood up for the first hymn. The lady in the pew in front of me, had her dress caught up her bum crack. Looking at that wont get you a black eye said the boss. No, said the man, but it was distracting me, so I thought i would just tug the dress out of the crack so it wasn't distracting anymore. But as soon as I touched her dress she swung around and POW! Right swing to the eye. But that's just the right eye. How did you get a matching shiner? That happened next time we stood up for a hymn. The boss looked confused. Well the man said, since she was so pissed off I had taken the dress out of her bum crack, I put it back! https://redd.it/1u9ugcl @r_jokes

Father DiNapoli answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father DiNapoli?" "It is!" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Paulie Galtieri?" "I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10000 to the church?" "He will." https://redd.it/1u9t10i @r_jokes

My daughter just told me this, sorry if it’s old: what’s a kidnapper’s favorite shoe? White vans. https://redd.it/1u9mtal @r_jokes

What’s the worst thing to hear when you’re blowing Willie Nelson? “I’m not really Willie Nelson” https://redd.it/1u9i2cb @r_jokes

Back in the days of wooden ships and iron men, a naval ship was about to do battle. The captain ordered his steward: "bring my red jacket." A new officer on the ship without much experience asked why he wanted to wear a red jacket, to which the captain explained that he always went into battle in his red jacket; that way, the crew wouldn't see him bleed and lose morale. Understanding, the new officer told one of the officers' stewards: "bring my brown trousers." https://redd.it/1u93vdp @r_jokes