/r/Jokes

I just found my wife's Tinder profile and I am absolutely furious with her lies. She is not "fun to be around". https://redd.it/1wmuggw @r_jokes

Daughter: Dad, how did you and mom get along so well? ... Dad: I handle the big decisions and your mom handles the little ones. ... Daughter: How do you figure which decisions are the big ones? ... Dad: Mom decides. Daughter: Sooo, how many decisions have you made? Dad: None so far. https://redd.it/1wminqr @r_jokes

So a Scotsman and his wife are walking past a restaurant. The wife says, "Did you smell that food? It smells absolutely incredible!" The Scotsman thinks, "What the hell; it is her birthday." So they walked past it again. https://redd.it/1wmmwu6 @r_jokes

A man returned home A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love." "Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while!" Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. "Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother. "I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed, "and I wasn't about to start now! https://redd.it/1wmepc9 @r_jokes

A Russian spy, an American spy and an Italian spy All three were captured by a terrorist organization and kept in the same cell. The terrorists first dragged out the American spy, tied him to a chair and started asking him questions about the nation's secrets, codes and plans. The American spy refused, and when threatened with torture he spat on their face. After 2 continuous hours of brutal torture the American finally gave up and gave them every thing he had. They then picked up the Russian and again asked him for his country's confidential information. The russian refused. After 5 continuous hours of goreish, sick and disturbing torture even the russian gave up and gave them every thing he had. Then they moved onto the Italian, did the whole thing with him, he too remained quiet. After 6 hours of bloody indescribable torture, the italian hadn't said a word. Soon 8 hours passed and the italian was still quiet, the terrorists grew tired and told him they'd be back in some time and left the three to rot together. The american then turned to the italian and asked him "Hey, Luigi! What the hell was that? Do you not feel pain?" The russian too was very shocked, "Comrade! How in the world did you endure that!" The italian, with tears rolling down his face replied "I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied" https://redd.it/1wm9z1h @r_jokes

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome... Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing. https://redd.it/1wm8mhn @r_jokes

I work with idiots. Every Christmas they get me the same gifts: sponges, soap, body wash, shampoo. I keep telling them I don’t like to shower… but they just won’t take the hint. https://redd.it/1wm2vlx @r_jokes

A Professor was preparing for his lecture course at the start of the semester. On the first day, he got to the lecture hall 5 minutes early to drop off his hat. He then left to pick up some things from his office, then went back to the lecture hall to start class. But when he got back, he was surprised to see that many of the students who were there when he dropped off his coat and hat had left. Afterwards, he sent out an email to the entire class asking why the students left. One student replied: "We saw you drop off your hat, and then leave. So we thought you left for good, and the lecture was cancelled." Annoyed, the professor emailed the students: "When a person has left their hat, please assume that the person is still in the room!" The next day he walked into the lecture hall to find it empty, but with the students' hats on each chair. https://redd.it/1wlxwwu @r_jokes

I went to the doctor because I was having back pain. He told me, "turns out, one of your legs is longer than the other! But good news, I have a quick fix!" "Bullshit," I said. "You can't fix one leg being longer than the other!" He handed me a thick insole to put in the shoe of the shorter leg. "Just try it, you'll see." So I did. Amazingly, the back pain stopped and I could stand up straight! "Oh," I said, feeling a bit embarrassed, "I guess I stand corrected." https://redd.it/1wm0hzd @r_jokes

When the elderly couple went in for their annual checkup... When the elderly couple went in for their annual checkup, the wife stayed in the waiting room while her husband went in to be examined. The doctor, kibitzing with him, said, "Sam, how is your sex life?" "I'll tell you the truth," replied Sam. "The first time is great. But the second time I start to sweat something terrible." The doctor said, "Just a second. The second time? At your age? At eighty-five? That's remarkable." He excused himself and went out to the guy's wife in the waiting room and said, "Ma'am, I have to ask you this. I was asking your husband how his sex life is and he said the first time was great, but the second time he starts to sweat something terrible." "He wouldn't lie to you," responded the old woman, "In January, it's cold. In July, it's hot." https://redd.it/1wltbcg @r_jokes

The devil jumped up on a hickory stump and talked with a lawyer. He said, "I'll make you win all your cases and you'll have fame and fortune beyond your wildest dreams...after that, I get your soul and family's souls and your colleagues souls." The lawyer asked, "What's the catch?" https://redd.it/1wlros1 @r_jokes

What sound does James Bond’s doorbell makes? Dong,…Ding Dong. https://redd.it/1wlm32l @r_jokes

Dad Joke Alert! What were Mr. Peanut's last words? "I'll be back in a Jif." https://redd.it/1wlg92w @r_jokes

What do you call a sleepy dominatrix? ZZ Top https://redd.it/1wldyee @r_jokes

What do you call a pansexual man named Nickolas who works at a CD store? pan nick at the disc co. https://redd.it/1wl720r @r_jokes

Michael Stipe walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I love R.E.M.! I can’t believe you’re in my bar!” Michael Stipe says, “I used to come here all the time.” He points to an old photo on the wall and says, “That’s me in the corner.” https://redd.it/1wl4nmr @r_jokes

Two men were washed ashore during World War I. Their ship, an aging minesweeper, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight." https://redd.it/1wl4ikd @r_jokes

There was a terrible accident at the Peek-a-boo Championships 35 people had to be taken to the ICU https://redd.it/1wkslve @r_jokes

Two hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day looking for some feral game. They came upon a herd of goats and started stalking them. Unfortunately Bill was so focused on the goats he tripped and fell off a 30 foot cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in great pain. His hip was clearly broken and he was going nowhere. This was bad news. It was cold, the sun was going down, and Bill couldn't move at all. Gritting his teeth, Bill said, "The international sign of 'man-in-distress' is three shots fired rapidly into the air." Tom gave it a try, firing three times into the air. An hour later he tried again. By now the sun was beginning to set and a light sleet had started. Temperatures were nearing freezing and both hunters were shivering like crazy. Tom tried the three shots once more. Nothing. An hour later sleet had turned to snow, the wind had picked up and things were grim. Tom turned to Bill and said, "I'll try one more, but if this doesn't work, we're both screwed because these are my last three arrows." https://redd.it/1wkrn46 @r_jokes

Tennis Elbow One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better https://redd.it/1wkmf2o @r_jokes