/r/Jokes

The repairman asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with him I politely declined. I can’t deal with high maintenance people https://redd.it/1uvmlkl @r_jokes

Why was the Gorgon named "Medusa"? Because calling her "Zola" would have been cheesy. https://redd.it/1uvem6d @r_jokes

60% of Americans say "Louie-ville" is the capitol of Kentucky. 40% of Americans will say it is "Louis-ville". But the correct answer is Frankfort. https://redd.it/1uvb9lt @r_jokes

Been working as a barber for 5 years and finally got a promotion I'm now head of hair https://redd.it/1uuz1k4 @r_jokes

I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise... So he gave me two cushions to sit on. https://redd.it/1uuytmp @r_jokes

A man goes to the hospital with severe abdominal and anal pain after eating lunch. They immediately take an X-ray. The doctor came in and said we found a circular mass in the X-ray. “What exactly did you have for lunch” and the man tells him a giant salad. During a rectal exam the Doctor notices something green and leafy sticking out of his anus. “What is it Doctor” the man screams. I’m afraid it’s just the tip of the iceberg”, he replies. https://redd.it/1uuykai @r_jokes

My Vietnamese husband wants to name our son after the casino in which he was conceived. I guess it's a Wynn Nguyen situation. https://redd.it/1uuuxsp @r_jokes

Three men died and went to heaven, but there was only enough room for one of them They were asked there how they all died. The first man said: I was at work, when I got a phonecall from my neighbor. He said that he saw my wife allow a stranger into our house. I drove as fast as I could, searching our house, but I couldn't find anyone there, other than my wife. I got so mad at one point that I went into the kitchen, grabbed our fridge and threw it out the window. However, because of all that I got anxious, had a panic attack, and died of a heart attack. The second man said: Well, I was at home, just relaxing on a day off. Then I thought to myself "Man, today is such a beautiful day. Clear sky, warm, gentle wind. I will take my dog for a walk". So, I was walking with my dog, when I noticed a weird shadow underneath me. I thought that it must have been just a weird cloud, or something like that. I looked up and I saw a fridge falling right on me. The third man said: Well, I was sitting in a fridge. https://redd.it/1uun1tk @r_jokes

A woman goes to Doctor Smith to ask about options to get bigger breasts. After talking to the doc she decides that surgery is too risky. As she is leaving the doc says, "Well there is ONE THING you can do, but you have to do it EVERY DAY." He tells her to rub her chest and say, "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow." She shrugs this off and leaves the office. After thinking a while she thinks, "Why not? it's free and easy, what do I have to lose?" So, every morning before work: "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow." After a few weeks it begins to work! She is thrilled. She wakes late one morning, and with no time for her daily mantra, rushes to catch the bus. She doesn't want to miss a day....so she goes to the back of the bus and whispers while rubbing her chest, "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow." A man leans over to her and asks, "Excuse me. Are you a patient of Dr. Smith??" Embarrassed, she says, "Yes. Why do you ask?" And the guy says, "Hickory Dickory Dock..." https://redd.it/1uumx1x @r_jokes

The Edge and Bono walk into a bar… The bartender says, “oh no, not you two again!” https://redd.it/1uuipu9 @r_jokes

An old man comes by the news stand every morning And every morning he looks at the front pages of the papers, but only buys a coffee. After many months of this, the owner says “hey, man, you’re a good customer, you can have a paper with your coffee if you want one.” “No, thanks,” says the man, “I’m just looking at the obituaries.” “Ok, but the obituaries aren’t on the front page.” “The one I’m looking for will be.” https://redd.it/1uuer92 @r_jokes

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat? A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved https://redd.it/1uu2zm3 @r_jokes

There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other One day, the bear was chasing the rabbit in a forest when suddenly a fairy appears. “Stop”, said the fairy, “Stop the hate guys, this is not good. I have decided to grant each of you three wishes if you both behave”. “OK”, said the bear. “I go first. I wish to turn every bear in this jungle into females”. “Wish granted”, said the fairy and she asked the rabbit what his first wish was. “Give me a red helmet”, said the rabbit. “Done”, said the fairy, a bit surprised as she handed him a nice red helmet. “Oh, what a fool, he wasted a wish on a red helmet”, said the bear laughing. Then the bear said, “My second wish is, turn all the bears in this country into females”. “Ok, done”, said the fairy. Then the rabbit said, “My second wish is, give me a red motorbike”. And the fairy got him one immediately. The bear almost died laughing, “Oh what a fool…a red motorbike? Hahaha”. “Now, it’s time for your final wish, bear”, what will it be”? asked the fairy. The bear said “My final wish is - turn every bear in this world into females”. “Ok done”, said the fairy and asked the rabbit what was his final wish. The rabbit put on his red helmet, got on his motorbike and said, “Make this bastard gay”…. and zoomed off. https://redd.it/1uu8j3p @r_jokes

Teenager comes into the kitchen and tells her mom, "Hey, just going to go hang with Mark for a bit." Mom says, "OK. Use protection." Teenager says, "Ewwww... mom, I'm 15." Mom says, "I'm 30." https://redd.it/1uu4h8c @r_jokes

A young wife was giving birth and having a difficult time with it. Her husband said “I'm sorry you’re in such pain. I wish I could help.” She replied “It's OK. It's not your fault.” https://redd.it/1utryno @r_jokes

Went to a Cubs game back when Wrigley had troughs for the men’s room. I’m mid piss when a guy walks up next to me, and somehow drops 2 quarters into the trough. He says Dammit, then opens his wallet, crumples up a $20 bill, and whips it into the piss trough, next to the quarters I turn to him and say “Why the hell did you do that?” He says, “You don’t really think I’m sticking my hand in the piss trough for just 50 cents, do you?” https://redd.it/1utwtc9 @r_jokes

One day Buddha was passing through a village with his many disciples. A few of his opponents gathered and began hurling insults at him, hot with anger. He listened in silence, perfectly calm. And this calm unsettled them somehow. An awkward feeling arose: they were insulting a man and he was listening to their words like music. Something was off. One of them addressed Buddha: "What's wrong with you? Don't you understand what we're saying?" "It is precisely through understanding that such deep silence becomes possible," Buddha replied. "Had you come to me ten years ago, I would have thrown myself at you. There was no understanding then. Now I understand. And I refuse to punish myself for your foolishness. It is your business whether to insult me or not — but whether to accept your insults is my freedom. You cannot force them upon me. I simply decline them; they are not worth it. You may take them back with you. And now my disciples will beat the shit out of you." https://redd.it/1uttjqu @r_jokes

Getting a PHD so when I get something in the mail… I can say “Ah, just what the doctor ordered!” every single time until I die. https://redd.it/1utiv3h @r_jokes

After spending the night at a hotel with a prostitute, a lawmaker takes three $100 bills out of his wallet and places them on the dresser. "Thanks," says the hooker, "but I only charge 20 bucks." "Twenty bucks for the whole night?" the lawmaker says. "There's no way you can make a living on that." "Oh, don't worry," replies the prostitute. "I do a little blackmail on the side." https://redd.it/1utklad @r_jokes

Bill came for dinner. Husband and wife were at vacation in South Carolina. They had dinner in a very nice part of town and when the check came the women went to take the bill but the waiter pulled away. “I am sorry but we are very traditional here, the man must pay the bill” The women said, “Oh, I guess this isn’t the worst tradition” “I’m sorry, but we are traditional, no one cares about your opinion.” All credit to Mark Norman. https://redd.it/1ut7nab @r_jokes