my safe haven 🤍

Because I deserve the kindness I give so freely to others.

And for my birthday this year, I will do 1 nice things every day for month of November.

I have come to a realization I have not had a good cry for the past few months. So crazy it used to be my norm; where I would sob like crazy for 30 minutes or so every other day. I think I have been significantly happier being with my partner.

It is not all bad though. There are good days, some days I can tolerate my jobs. I have an amazing boyfriend that I adore. Life has been good lately, I just can’t help but feel like something is missing. Do I need another $100 of income each week? Will that finally make me whole? Do I need to make more money?

I think I was more articulate back then than I am now. Maybe it was because all I did was write and write till blister form on my ring finger from all the writings. All I had was a pen and paper to pour my heart out. Now that I am an adult, I have to find ways to communicate like a real person. To face the world and not live in a piece of paper only. I no longer have the luxury of time to ponder on my thoughts, I need to constantly show up for a job I don’t even enjoy doing. I am in another survival mode, this time it sucks the soul out of my eyes.

If I get my nails done, will I finally feel whole again? Or should I finally get that iPad mini and a coffee machine I have been wanting for so long. Retail therapy will be the death of me cause I can’t afford to spend beyond my means but I refuse to cut down my expenses. I just need to find ways to make more money to support my spending habits.

I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll start by fixing my salaah. I think that’s mainly why I feel so lost. I have been neglecting it and too focused on this dunya. I often forgot it’s temporary and it’s all a test. Maybe I won’t get what I want in this dunya, I will try to do better for my real future; the akhirah.

The 13 year old girl inside me still exists, the angry one who wants me dead. She occasionally surfaces when things don’t go my way, when I get upset.

Technically I can afford it now but back then I know I will never make it past 30 years old. Cause maybe by the time I am 30, time will fix itself. But it doesn’t just go away.

It is a crush to my ego to fully see myself and realise my flaws. When I realise there is so much work that needs to be done. I obviously need therapy, I don’t know why I have been putting it off.

In the meantime, I will give it to myself. I do not want to lose myself again in the process of loving someone else.

I think I want someone to give me what I want without having to tell them what I want. Them being curious enough that they would understand and figured me out. Cause if I have to explain it, it doesn’t feel the same. Because it doesn’t come from them but from me.

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i long to be seen.