my safe haven 🤍

I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll start by fixing my salaah. I think that’s mainly why I feel so lost. I have been neglecting it and too focused on this dunya. I often forgot it’s temporary and it’s all a test. Maybe I won’t get what I want in this dunya, I will try to do better for my real future; the akhirah.

The 13 year old girl inside me still exists, the angry one who wants me dead. She occasionally surfaces when things don’t go my way, when I get upset.

Technically I can afford it now but back then I know I will never make it past 30 years old. Cause maybe by the time I am 30, time will fix itself. But it doesn’t just go away.

It is a crush to my ego to fully see myself and realise my flaws. When I realise there is so much work that needs to be done. I obviously need therapy, I don’t know why I have been putting it off.

In the meantime, I will give it to myself. I do not want to lose myself again in the process of loving someone else.

I think I want someone to give me what I want without having to tell them what I want. Them being curious enough that they would understand and figured me out. Cause if I have to explain it, it doesn’t feel the same. Because it doesn’t come from them but from me.

.

i long to be seen.

I rarely blame my parents these days for the way I turned out, it is my responsibility to heal and get help. I know it is not fair but it is just life, I need to accept my past can’t be changed and I can’t control everything. I just need to make the best out of the cards I am dealing with.

Misery feels comfortable, change feels so so so uncomfortable and unease. I am stuck in a job that I do not have passion in and it’s sucking the life out of me.

I have to unlearn the shame, it is not mine to keep. I have to grow and separate myself from who I was as a teen. I mean i can’t do it completely, they were still me. I think I am growing up and outgrowing the old me.

This can show up in ways you handle things immaturely. I wished I could tell myself to not be too hard on myself for not knowing how to handle things with much grace. I am unlearning things my parents taught me, redirecting my moral compass from scratch is not an easy thing to do. Especially being surrounded with people who you are not proud of to be around.

i’m so envious of emma chamberlain’s relationship with her parents. i can’t help but wonder if i were to be born with more different upbringing, just a smidge of kindness and love, would i have not turn out the way i do right now? would my moral compass be something i can rely on and something i can be proud of? sometimes i caught myself seeing things in the lens of my parents do, it makes me feel somewhat worse of a person. because i swore to never become like them.

I’m afraid I will never feel pretty enough.

i can keep going.

may his hairline recede faster this year and he goes bald, and may his gf of idk how many years falls out of love with him cause he's already difficult to look at.

my brain just developed. why should i hold on to this misery when it was him that's being a piece of shit? (my co worker) let him be a piece of shit on his own. i hope he trips tonight and loses his front teeth.

Retroactive jealousy will be the death of me.