/r/Jokes
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Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
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پست‌های کانال
I read this joke in Italian over 12 years ago, this is my best rendition of it:
A guy is visiting a friend for the first time and notices the house is full of Michael Jackson merchandise.
"I always knew you were passionate about Michael Jackson, but I didn't realise you were THIS passionate!"
"Oh, yeah, I am! I have been to all his concerts, I bought all of his t-shirts, do you wanna hear one of his albums? I have a room with the whole collection and a stereo with his autograph. I even have a Jackson-brand fridge where I only store his favourite foods, if you want a snack before the album."
"Sure, but can I use the restroom before that?"
"Down the hallway, the door with the giant painting of Michael Jackson. Did you know he used to go every day at 7:30?"
"Woah man, you love that guy! I bet you were desperate when he died"
"...he WHAT"
https://redd.it/1x4cczx
@r_jokes
| 2 | Did you know the eye is the last thing to shut down when a person passes?
Because they dilate….
https://redd.it/1x46y1a
@r_jokes | 18 |
| 3 | How many ears did Captain James Tiberius Kirk have?
Three:
A left ear, a right ear, and >!a final front ear!< 😄
https://redd.it/1x3y1r4
@r_jokes | 32 |
| 4 | Infidelity
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating, and although she isn't completely sure yet, she goes ahead and buys a gun anyway. When she suddenly walks into his apartment unexpected, she sees him lying in bed with another woman. The blonde completely loses it! She opens her bag, points the gun at herself, and cries out. Her boyfriend jumps out of bed and screams, "But honey, don't do it!", to which the blonde replies, "Oh shut up, you're next!"
https://redd.it/1x3wm9t
@r_jokes | 41 |
| 5 | 3 guys go to heaven
Three guys die and arrive at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says, “We have one rule up here. You may have anything you want, but you must never step on a duck.”
The gates open. Heaven is full of ducks. Everywhere. Ducks in the streets, ducks in the gardens, ducks in the clouds.
The first guy lasts about ten minutes before stepping on one.
POOF! St. Peter appears, chains him to the ugliest woman imaginable, and says, “Your punishment for eternity.”
The second guy lasts a month. Then he steps on a duck.
POOF! Same thing. Chained to an equally unfortunate woman.
The third guy is careful for years. Never steps on a duck. Never even comes close.
One day, St. Peter appears with a gorgeous woman on his arm, chains her to the guy, and walks away.
The guy looks at her and says, “Wow. I must have done something really good to deserve you!”
The woman sighs and says:
“I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
https://redd.it/1x3u710
@r_jokes | 38 |
| 6 | My uncle has been purchasing land in the arctic whenever some comes up for sale. It’s making him go broke. I confronted him about it and he admitted he can’t help himself. I’m starting to think he has…
“buy polar disorder”
https://redd.it/1x3luk6
@r_jokes | 45 |
| 7 | A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane...
...discussing their respective obligations as religious leaders.
“Rabbi, is it true that in your religion, you are forbidden from consuming pork?” Asked the priest.
“Yes, yes it’s true! Pork is unclean and forbidden.” Answered the rabbi.
“But, rabbi…” asks the priest. “Have you ever tasted pork?”
“Yes,” answered the rabbi. “Curiosity once got the better of me and I tried a piece of bacon. Honestly, it was delicious. However, father, let me ask you a question.”
“Of course!”
“Is it true that -as a member of the clergy- you are forbidden from having any sexual relations?”
“Yes, it’s true!” Answered the priest. “We take a vow of chastity to show our dedication to our lord.”
“Well, father… I have to ask,” says the rabbi, “have you ever had sex?”
“Well, yes.” The priest answers, looking down in shame. “I once succumbed to the temptation of the flesh and felt the love of a woman.”
The rabbi leans over. “Hell of a lot better than pork, eh?”
https://redd.it/1x3bz8w
@r_jokes | 47 |
| 8 | Gertrude, a 94-year-old widow, was heartbroken after her husband Harold died. She decided to end it all with his old Army pistol.
Wanting to make sure she hit her heart and didn’t just cripple herself, she called her doctor.
“Doctor, where exactly is a woman’s heart?”
“Right below the left breast,” he told her.
That night Gertrude was admitted to the hospital with a bullet straight through her knee.
https://redd.it/1x3kf3e
@r_jokes | 38 |
| 9 | Bill dies and wakes up to find himself in a motel room.
Not a fancy motel room, but not a crappy one either. His bed is clean and pretty comfortable, he flips on the TV to find the place has basic cable and Netflix. He takes a shower in the shower/tub combo (decent water pressure), and finds some of his clothes in his closet. Eventually, Bill makes his way outside to find the motel sits on a 9-hole golf course. The weather is reaching the mid-80s and is a bit balmy, but not unbearable.
As he stands outside his room, wondering where he is and what he should do next, a young man with a pointed goatee and wearing a red suit approaches in a shiny black golf cart.
“New guy!” The man calls out, driving up. Now that the man is closer, Bill notices he has two small horns protruding from his forehead. “Welcome to Hell! Hop aboard, I’ll show you around!”
Reluctantly, Bill takes the leather seat next to Satan and they take off. It doesn’t take long for Bill to realize, however, that Hell really wasn’t so bad. His eternal accommodations had a few decent restaurants on site, a nice sized pool and hot tub, air conditioning in his room, and even his own golf cart (not as nice as Satan’s, of course).
“Sure, it’s a little hot and the amenities are nothing like you’d see in Heaven, but we get by.” Satan told him as they turned back towards Bill’s room. “Now, we’ll see you at the mixer tonight, right? It’s at the Italian place. Just something I like to do for the newbies.”
Before Bill could respond, the golf cart crested a hill where, in the distance, he could see a fiery pit of unspeakable torment. Bill stared, dumbfounded as naked souls wailed in agony as they soared into the sky only to plummet back into the horrors that waited below.
“What the here is that‽” Bill cried out, unable to tear his eyes away from witnessing punishments not meant for the eyes of man.
“Oh that?” Satan glanced over to the pit and kept driving, “you don’t have to worry about that. We built it for the Catholics. They insisted on it.”
https://redd.it/1x3flpe
@r_jokes | 35 |
| 10 | A new inmate asks his cellmate what he's in for
"Nothing. I confessed to a robbery I didn't commit."
"Why the hell would you do that?"
"My mother-in-law moved in."
The new guy looks across the hall at an old man stretched out on his bunk, hands behind his head, smiling like he's on vacation.
"What about him?"
"That's her husband."
https://redd.it/1x3ble2
@r_jokes | 38 |
| 11 | A man looks over his garden wall to see his neighbour digging a hole in the back garden.
"What are you up to?" he asks.
"Oh, I'm digging a hole for my dead hamster," he replies.
"Sorry to hear that, but why make the hole so big?"
"Because it's inside your cat."
https://redd.it/1x374ev
@r_jokes | 43 |
| 12 | My wife said I need to try harder to make our sex life more exciting. So when she came home from work today I excitedly tore off her panties and bra…
what a relief!!! they were cutting off the circulation to my arms and legs…
https://redd.it/1x30rsb
@r_jokes | 44 |
| 13 | A man was standing on a corner, waiting to cross the road when a van turned the corner so fast that the antenna whipped around and flicked the man in the face.
The antenna left a small cut on his face and although it stung a little, he thought nothing of it.
That small cut swelled up over the next few days and although it was starting to sting a little more, he told those who showed concern that it was nothing, "it'll heal up" he said.
A week after the incident, the cut hadn't gotten any better, in fact, it was now really red and swollen so he took people's advice and went to the hospital.
At the hospital he was put on an antibiotics drip, they tried to drain the infected area, they tried their very best!
It was 8 days after the incident, at 10:30am when the doctors pronounced the man dead.
As for the cause of death?
The doctors said it was a van aerial disease.
https://redd.it/1x31xah
@r_jokes | 44 |
| 14 | Dearest Darling
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.
He went to a department store and bought an exquisite pair of white, fur lined gloves with her sisters input. Unbeknownst to him, the sister discreetly chose a pair of panties for herself.
At checkout, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the boyfriend got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to his love with this note:
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great.
I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.
I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night!
All my love,
P.S., Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
https://redd.it/1x2xv9n
@r_jokes | 47 |
| 15 | What do you call the doctor who treats you when you have butterflies in your stomach?
A >!gastroentomologist!<
(I actually thought this one up myself)
https://redd.it/1x2r8d1
@r_jokes | 44 |
| 16 | 12 years ago today, someone shared the worst joke they ever created. They reposted it 8 years ago, and again 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.
It's unbelievable
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."
https://redd.it/1x2lrr8
@r_jokes | 50 |
| 17 | What time does Billy Idol mow his lawn?
In the midnight hour. Mow, mow, mow.
https://redd.it/1x2llaj
@r_jokes | 48 |
| 18 | A Japanese monk visits a Chinese temple
He is confused as everything is so different. The abbot tells him "that was zen, this is tao."
https://redd.it/1x2ku8a
@r_jokes | 51 |
| 19 | A guy goes to a whorehouse for the first time. The girl comes in and says, "Are you nervous?" The guy says, "Yeah, this is my first time."
The girl says, "Don't worry, we have just the thing for first-timers. Here's a menu of all of our services; just pick out whichever thing you would like to try."
So the guy looks over the menu and decides to try out 69.
So they get into position and are going to town when the girl farts. He's a little taken aback by this, but continues.
A couple of minutes later she farts again. The guy disentangles himself and starts getting dressed.
"What's the matter?" the girl asks. "Didn't you like that?"
And the guy says, "No offense, ma'am, but I don't think I could handle 67 more of those."
https://redd.it/1x2gd4y
@r_jokes | 53 |
| 20 | My Favourite Animal (it's an old joke)
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was and I said, "Fried Chicken."
She said I wasn't funny but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said that she was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class the teacher asked me what my favourite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today she asked me what famous military person I admired the most and I said, "Colonel Saunders".
Guess where the fuck I am now........
https://redd.it/1x2aj2m
@r_jokes | 56 |
