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频道帖子
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My Grandad taught me.”
“Good. So what comes after eight?”
“Nine,” answered Johnny.
“And what comes after nine?”
“Ten.”
“And what comes after ten?”
“The jack.”
https://redd.it/1v4a3nw
@r_jokes
| 2 | Wally says to Bill, "I put $100 on a horse yesterday, and he came in at twenty-five to one."
"Incredible!" says Bill. "You`re rich!"
And Wally says, "Not exactly. The rest of the field came in at twelve-thirty."
https://redd.it/1v4eno5
@r_jokes | 19 |
| 3 | A father is listening to his young daughter say her bedtime prayers. She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma… and goodbye, Grandpa”...
The father looks startled. “Why did you say goodbye to Grandpa?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” she says. “I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead.
“Well,” the father thinks, “that’s a strange coincidence.”
A month later, he’s listening again as she says her prayers.
“God bless Mommy and Daddy… and goodbye, Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma passes away.
Now the father knows this is more than coincidence—but he doesn’t dare tell his wife. After all, Grandma and Grandpa were her parents.
Months go by.
One night, he listens nervously as his daughter begins her prayers: “God bless Mommy…”
She pauses, turns her head, looks straight at him, and says, “…and goodbye, Daddy.”
“What?!” he blurts out. “Are you sure, sweetheart?”
She nods.
The man’s heart starts pounding. He breaks out in a sweat and doesn’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes to work but locks himself in his office. He cancels all meetings, takes the phone off the hook, and waits for the inevitable.
He stays late—past 5 p.m.—because he feels safer there. The hours crawl by. Finally, midnight arrives.
Still alive.
Relieved but completely exhausted, he drives home, drenched in sweat and shaken to his core.
His wife is waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you all day?!” she demands.
“Don’t yell,” he says. “I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”
She replies, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman dropped dead on the front steps…”
https://redd.it/1v4dfmn
@r_jokes | 26 |
| 4 | My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal because the Chinese refuse to acknowledge...
...Ty won.
https://redd.it/1v4apgz
@r_jokes | 35 |
| 5 | A man in a nursing home asked his fellow nursing home girlfriend to marry him
She happily said "yes!"
The next day, he couldn't remember what her answer was so he went back to her room to ask her again.
She said "I'm so glad you came back! I knew I told someone that I'd marry them, but I couldn't remember who it was!"
https://redd.it/1v41vjn
@r_jokes | 47 |
| 6 | My girlfriend came home and dragged me into the bedroom and told me to take off her shirt, bra, dress, stockings and panties
She then said “If I ever catch you wearing them again, I’m leaving”.
https://redd.it/1v41wps
@r_jokes | 49 |
| 7 | Elderly couple checkup
When the elderly couple went in for their annual checkup, the wife stayed in the waiting room while her husband went in to be examined. The doctor, kibitzing with him, said, "Sam, how is your sex life?"
"I'll tell you the truth," replied Sam. "The first time is great. But the second time I start to sweat something terrible."
The doctor said, "Just a second. The second time? At your age? At eighty-five? That's remarkable." He excused himself and went out to the guy's wife in the waiting room and said, "Ma'am, I have to ask you this. I was asking your husband how his sex life is and he said the first time was great, but the second time he starts to sweat something terrible."
"He wouldn't lie to you," responded the old woman, "In January, it's cold. In July, it's hot."
https://redd.it/1v3vboh
@r_jokes | 46 |
| 8 | A devout Christian woman is trying to make it into the best church in her community...
It's in the richest neighborhood. It has the most beautiful stained glass windows. And people from the country club have a big social life there.
Every morning or evening before mass the bell rings. And every night after everyone leaves the fancy iron gates are shut and locked.
Well the woman falls quite in love with the idea of attending that church, even if it is a bit out of her way. One Sunday she goes to attend but is barred at the door. She's told she has to present her membership card.
When she asks how to get one she's told that not only must she pay for the country club membership, HOA fees in their neighborhood, but she also has to prove she does a lot of charitable work. After that the leaders of the church will examine her case and decide if she's a good fit for their church.
The woman is a bit crushed and discouraged...but...ultimately decides its worth it because it's such a beautiful building to attend church in. So she does it. She sets aside money from her paychecks to pay the fees, and starts volunteering at soup kitchens and donating to charities for good causes.
When she thinks she's surely done enough she goes back. But her membership is denied again. She's not doing and giving as much as everyone else there.
That night she takes it tearfully to prayer. Begging God for the wisdom of what else can she do to get in there.
The response comes back:
"I died for them and I've been trying to get in for years."
https://redd.it/1v3r8km
@r_jokes | 41 |
| 9 | An elderly couple were getting ready for bed one night.
The wife said, "Oh, I'm so hungry for some ice cream, and there isn't any in the house."
Her husband said, "I'll go get some."
"Oh, you're a dear," she said. "Vanilla, with chocolate sauce."
He replied, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce."
She said, "Write it down, dear. You'll forget."
He said, "I won't forget."
She continued, "And some whipped cream on top."
He repeated, "Vanilla, chocolate sauce, whipped cream on top."
"And a cherry."
"And a cherry on top."
"Please write it down," she insisted. "I know you'll forget."
"I won't forget. Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry on top."
Off he went.
By the time he got back, she was already in bed.
He handed her a paper bag.
She opened it.
Inside was a ham sandwich.
She looked at him and said,
"I told you to write it down. You forgot the mustard."
https://redd.it/1v3rjfd
@r_jokes | 39 |
| 10 | It's really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries...
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef...
https://redd.it/1v3crsd
@r_jokes | 47 |
| 11 | A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital
While on the operating table she had a near death experience..
Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"
God said :
"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth !
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded :
"God, you said I had another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"
God replied :
"I didn't recognize you!!"
https://redd.it/1v3eg1p
@r_jokes | 53 |
| 12 | As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
https://redd.it/1v3cynx
@r_jokes | 57 |
| 13 | I was walking through a cemetery early one day...
...I came across someone who had popped up from behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning"
They replied, "no just taking a shit"
https://redd.it/1v2wvr3
@r_jokes | 60 |
| 14 | I wanted a BLT for lunch, but I’m worried about contaminated lettuce.
So I wove my bacon strips together to make a bacon-lattice and tomato sandwich.
https://redd.it/1v2s0ev
@r_jokes | 59 |
| 15 | I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting lettuce leaf!
https://redd.it/1v2pykh
@r_jokes | 61 |
| 16 | Last time King Charles III said the words ‘Andy Burnham’….
….he was telling his brother to get rid of some photos
https://redd.it/1v2t06h
@r_jokes | 55 |
| 17 | A guy walks into a costume party, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans. The host welcomes him and asks him what he's dressed as.
"I'm a premature ejaculation," the guy says.
Puzzled, the host says, "I don't understand your costume."
And the guy says, "Well, I just came in my pants."
https://redd.it/1v2rvn8
@r_jokes | 57 |
| 18 | A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them.
He began writing an email to his supplier...
“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”
That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.
“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”
That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it- send me another mongoose.”
https://redd.it/1v2f87d
@r_jokes | 58 |
| 19 | Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra virgin?
Me: (tearing up) No it’s the same price
https://redd.it/1v2f8y1
@r_jokes | 66 |
| 20 | I have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but haven’t seen him for a long time because...
...he always has stuff to do.
https://redd.it/1v2f6n7
@r_jokes | 67 |
