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频道帖子
Is it OK to have oral sex with a 95yr old woman?
I wasn't sure, and my friends said it was a bit of a grey area.
https://redd.it/1w83rzx
@r_jokes
| 2 | One day, Peter the Pig found a piece of bacon on the ground and decided to taste it. He was shocked at how delicious it was and he began to actively seek out and eat bacon every chance he could.
Naturally, the other pigs found this deeply disturbing and they went to see Farmer Brown to talk about Peter's strange behavior. He told them, "Bring Peter to me and I'll give him some intense counseling sessions."
So Peter went off with Farmer Brown.
A week later the pigs went up to the farmhouse to ask how Peter's treatment was going. Farmer Brown opened the door and, munching on a piece of bacon, told them
“Don’t worry about Peter. I’ve cured him.”
https://redd.it/1w80x1u
@r_jokes | 13 |
| 3 | Somebody once tried paying me with counterfeit Brazilian money
I knew it wasn't real
https://redd.it/1w7vuxk
@r_jokes | 26 |
| 4 | Did you know that Germans eat more bananas than monkeys?
Last year the German population reportedly consumed up to 435.580.854 bananas, but only four monkeys
https://redd.it/1w7ub6d
@r_jokes | 34 |
| 5 | When you think of the number 69 what animal comes to mind?
A swallow
https://redd.it/1w7ocxl
@r_jokes | 40 |
| 6 | The weatherman broke both arms and legs...
Check out his forecasts
https://redd.it/1w7jxb0
@r_jokes | 49 |
| 7 | "man with no arms and no legs" joke
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard?
A: Rusty
https://redd.it/1w7dcry
@r_jokes | 37 |
| 8 | A man goes to the doctors for a prostate exam
The doctor asks him to bend and slips on a glove.
The doctor says ‘try not to enjoy this too much Richard.’
The man says, ‘my name’s not Richard.’
The doctor says, ‘no but mine is.’
https://redd.it/1w76ikz
@r_jokes | 44 |
| 9 | There’s a new Indian restaurant that opened called Karma
There’s no menu. You just get what you deserve.
https://redd.it/1w73izf
@r_jokes | 48 |
| 10 | I had to break up with my girlfriend today
Me: I’m sorry, I can’t marry you. My family’s against it.
Her: Who are they to tell you no?
Me: My wife and kids.
https://redd.it/1w6vkwb
@r_jokes | 53 |
| 11 | I was walking in Manhattan when I bumped into an old high school pal whom I hadn't seen in twenty years. He was eager to show me photos of his new wife.
" Here, check out my wife" he said as he scrolled through a few photos on his phone, "Isn't she hot?!"
I replied, "If you think your wife is hot, you should see my wife"
"Is she hot too?
"Well yes, but she's also an eye doctor!"
https://redd.it/1w6r4dw
@r_jokes | 56 |
| 12 | A rich heir has three girlfriends and must choose which one to marry.
A rich heir has three girlfriends and must choose which one to marry. So he gives each one $5,000 and tells them it's a gift, so the relationship works and goes well, and that they can do what they want with it.
The next week, the first one comes back and says: With the money, I bought this first-class suit for you, these shirts, these silk ties, and these Italian shoes, because all I want is for you to feel happy.
The second one comes and says: Look, dear, with the money I bought these sets of sexy underwear and these provocative dresses, and I went to make myself beautiful at the beauty salon, because all I want is to please you.
Finally, the third woman appears and says: Honey, with your money, I invested in the stock market and got a 500% return, so you can see that I'm an industrious woman, and I'm going to take care of you.
\- Which of the three did he marry?
\- The one with the biggest tits.
https://redd.it/1w6mln2
@r_jokes | 51 |
| 13 | Dad calls home.
He hears a young voice answer. "Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don’t have an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
Another brief pause.
"Uh, okay then. Here’s what I want you to do: put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute!"
A few minutes later, the little girl picks the receiver back up. "I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy panicked, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and started running around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?!"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He was terrified, so he jumped out the back window and straight into the swimming pool. But I guess he forgot you drained all the water out last week to clean it... he hit the concrete bottom and he isn't moving either."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Dead Silence
Then Daddy clears his throat and asks:
"Wait... swimming pool? Uhh… Is this 867-5309?”
https://redd.it/1w6oube
@r_jokes | 53 |
| 14 | Two cannibals meet one day....
The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, hah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"
https://redd.it/1w6jaa6
@r_jokes | 54 |
| 15 | People are constantly telling me that I'm a little condescending.
So what if I'm 4'9", just got out of jail, and love riding escalators?
https://redd.it/1w69z3u
@r_jokes | 58 |
| 16 | Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
https://redd.it/1w62si4
@r_jokes | 52 |
| 17 | After a 2000 year absence, the Virgin Mary takes a trip down to earth.
She does a daily check-in with Saint Peter to let him know how things are going. After being here for a couple of days she calls back to heaven. "Hello Saint Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I met a man today. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "That's not bad at all. This is how it is down on earth."
The next day she calls to heaven: "Hello Saint Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I kissed the man today. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "That's not bad at all. This is how it is down on earth."
The next day she calls to heaven: "Hi Pete, this is Mary. Is that bad?"
https://redd.it/1w665ay
@r_jokes | 54 |
| 18 | Little Sally is in Catholic school during career day.
The nun asks what career the children would be interested in when they grow up.
"I want to be a prostitute" say little Sally.
The nun turns red and angrily calls her to the front of the class and takes her to the priest.
"Now repeat the terrible thing you said in class" the nun says.
"I want to be a prostitute." says Little Sally.
"Oh thank Heavens" exclaims the nun.
"I thought for a minute you said Protestant."
https://redd.it/1w62dot
@r_jokes | 54 |
| 19 | podiatrist. "Your tale has moved me and it is clear you need help. But it is help I cannot provide. You must see your psychiatrist and tell him of your troubles. Why on Earth did you come to my office?"
The moth says, "Because the light was on."
https://redd.it/1w60iz1
@r_jokes | 52 |
| 20 | Norm MacDonald's Classic: The Moth Joke from his memoir Based on a True Story
A moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says, "What's the problem?"
The moth says, "Where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one place to another and then back again. I no longer know what it is that I actually do, and I don't even know if Gregory Vasilovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and this seems to bring him much happiness. And where is my happiness? It is when I awake in the morning and I do not know who I am. In that single moment, I am happy. In that single moment before, the memory of who I am strikes me like a cane and I take to the streets and walk in a malaise here and then there and then here again. Then it is time for work. Others stop asking me what I do for a living long ago. For they know I will have no answer, and will fix my empty eyes upon them, and they fear my melancholia might prove so deep as to be contagious. Sometimes in the dark and the deepest dark of night I awaken my bed and I turn to my right and with horror I see some old lady lying on my arm. An old lady that I once loved, Doc, and whose flesh I once found splendor and now see only decay. An old lady who insults me by her very existence.
One stock when I was young I flew into a spider web and was trapped and in my panic I smashed my wings till the dust flew from them but it did not free me and only alerted the spider. The spider moved toward me and I became still and the spider stopped. I had heard many stories from my elders about spiders, about how they would sink their fangs into your cephalothorax and you would be paralyzed but aware as the spiders slowly devoured you. So I remained as still as possible, but when the spider again began moving toward me, I smashed my wing again into my cage of silk, and this time it worked. I cut into the web and freed myself and flew skyward. I was free and filled with joy. But this joy soon turned to horror. I looked down and saw that in my escape I had taken with me a single strand of silk, and at the end of the strand was the spider who was scrambling upward toward me. Was I to die high in the sky where no spider should be? I flew this way, then that. Finally I freed myself from the strand and watched as it floated earthward with the spider. But days later, a strange feeling descended upon my soul Doc. I began to feel that my life was that single strand of silk with a deadly spider racing up it and toward me. And I felt that I had already been bitten by his venomous fangs, and I was living in a state of paralysis as life devoured me whole.
My daughter Alexandria fell to the cold of last winter. The cold took her, as it did many of us. And so my family mourned. And I placed on my countenance the look of grief, Doc. But it was a masquerade. I felt no grief for my dead daughter, but only envy. And so I have one child now, a boy whose name is Stefan Mikhailovich Smakovnakov. And I tell you now, doc, with great and deep shame, the terrible truth: I no longer love him. When I look into his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I see when I catch a glimpse of my own eyes in a mirror. It is this cowardice that keeps me living Doc, that keeps me moving from place to place, saying hello and goodbye, eating though hunger as long left me, walking without destination, and at night, lying beside the strange old lady in this burlesque of a life I endure. If only the cowardice would leave for the time needed to reach over and pick up the cocked and loaded pistol that lies on my bedside table, and I might finally end this facade once and for all. But alas, the cowardice takes no breaks. It is what defines me. It is what frames my life. It is what I am, and yet I cannot resign myself to my own life. Instead with despair as my constant companion, as I walk here and then there, without dreams, without hope and without love."
"Moth," says the | 52 |
