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频道帖子
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
https://redd.it/1v3cynx
@r_jokes
| 2 | I was walking through a cemetery early one day...
...I came across someone who had popped up from behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning"
They replied, "no just taking a shit"
https://redd.it/1v2wvr3
@r_jokes | 22 |
| 3 | I wanted a BLT for lunch, but I’m worried about contaminated lettuce.
So I wove my bacon strips together to make a bacon-lattice and tomato sandwich.
https://redd.it/1v2s0ev
@r_jokes | 38 |
| 4 | I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting lettuce leaf!
https://redd.it/1v2pykh
@r_jokes | 40 |
| 5 | Last time King Charles III said the words ‘Andy Burnham’….
….he was telling his brother to get rid of some photos
https://redd.it/1v2t06h
@r_jokes | 39 |
| 6 | A guy walks into a costume party, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans. The host welcomes him and asks him what he's dressed as.
"I'm a premature ejaculation," the guy says.
Puzzled, the host says, "I don't understand your costume."
And the guy says, "Well, I just came in my pants."
https://redd.it/1v2rvn8
@r_jokes | 44 |
| 7 | A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them.
He began writing an email to his supplier...
“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”
That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.
“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”
That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it- send me another mongoose.”
https://redd.it/1v2f87d
@r_jokes | 45 |
| 8 | Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra virgin?
Me: (tearing up) No it’s the same price
https://redd.it/1v2f8y1
@r_jokes | 51 |
| 9 | I have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but haven’t seen him for a long time because...
...he always has stuff to do.
https://redd.it/1v2f6n7
@r_jokes | 56 |
| 10 | What do you call a man whose only tells dad jokes, but isn't a father?
A faux pa!
https://redd.it/1v2839q
@r_jokes | 62 |
| 11 | I called the police because there was a murder of crows on my front lawn. Nobody came.
So much for lawn order.
https://redd.it/1v26exc
@r_jokes | 61 |
| 12 | I opened a bag of frozen peas and a few popped out and rolled away on the floor.
Guess they were the escapeas.
https://redd.it/1v2245y
@r_jokes | 56 |
| 13 | Observations
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Perth Highway Patrol. The detective conducting
the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
*"Well,With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."*
https://redd.it/1v1xjv2
@r_jokes | 53 |
| 14 | As a 50 year old, I'm proud to say I'm regularly having sex with a college student.
My wife has decided to go back to college after 30 years of being a mom.
https://redd.it/1v1s7m4
@r_jokes | 56 |
| 15 | I had to resubmit my marine biology paper.
I forgot to include my cetaceans.
https://redd.it/1v1q19c
@r_jokes | 58 |
| 16 | An alien ship appears above a philosophy conference...
An alien ship appears above a philosophy conference and beams down their captain. The captain says that Earth has been randomly selected to have one question of their choosing answered by them in one week. The aliens depart.
The philosophers debate tirelessly to figure out what would be the best question to ask. They wouldn't want to ask for the meaning of life, because they will have wasted the question if the answer is boring or irrelevant to humanity. So, they hatch clever scheme to figure out the right question.
When the aliens return, they ask the humans for their question. They ask: What is the two-element set that, as its first element, contains the best question to ask and its second element contains the answer to that question?
The aliens praise the humans for their wise question and answer.
The first element of that set is "What is the two-element set that, as its first element, contains the best question to ask and its second element contains the answer to that question?" and the second element is "What is the two-element set that, as its first element, contains the best question to ask and its second element contains the answer to that question?"
https://redd.it/1v1n4je
@r_jokes | 71 |
| 17 | I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,
I beat the raining champion.
https://redd.it/1v1i8gf
@r_jokes | 62 |
| 18 | A woman’s house is robbed and ransacked so she calls the police.
The cop comes in and notices her mutt and says, “too bad your dog can’t speak, I’m sure he’s saw everything”. The woman then sticks a USB cable into the dog’s ear and light flashes from his eyes to the wall projecting a hi-def video of the whole break-in.
“Good Lord what kind of dog is that” the cop said amazed.
“He’s my new smart watch dog”!!
https://redd.it/1v16ink
@r_jokes | 62 |
| 19 | What's the difference between a businessman and a dog?
A businessman wears a suit; a dog just pants.
https://redd.it/1v19fk7
@r_jokes | 63 |
| 20 | Stephen Fry and the Mormons
He was wandering around Salt Lake City, looking at the various monuments and things, when a Mormon woman approached him and asked if he would like to go on a tour. He said yes so she gathered up some more tourists and showed them around.
After a while, she stopped and said she'd like to tell them a few things about Mormonism. She said the Mormons believe that, after death, you are with your family forever.
Stephen put up his hand and asked "What if you've been good?"
Amidst gales of laughter from the other tourists, she asked him to leave.
https://redd.it/1v190ov
@r_jokes | 62 |
