Benjamin Zulu Global

Ladies, it's okay to marry at 35. What matters is not the age at which you get married but how happy you are in the marriage and how well the marriage meshes with your other goals in life. People have drummed up this idea of ladies getting married or getting kids by 30 as if they're assuming everyone starts life at the same point. Some people had little or no parental support and therefore they needed a chunk of time to compensate and build themselves up; others suffered setbacks that require recovering and fixing. Arrange your life according to what you have to deal with. Only marry when you feel emotionally and psychologically ready. Some people go around saying your systems will grow too old to birth healthy children, and that's just sheer ignorance. You can debunk such notions by checking health and reproductive facts online. Further, you value getting a child when you're ready for them rather than being rushed and doing a shoddy job at bringing them up, or getting pregnant at the wrong time and with the wrong person only to precipitate an absolute crisis in your life. Which man will marry a lady at 35, you ask? There are many. And which man will want to marry a 27 year old lady who has severe emotional issues or whose entire mental health needs an overhaul? Just take the time to become the healthy and balanced woman you need to be. You'll find grace for the season.

How many times did you keep quiet when your voice could have made a difference? How many times did you respond to slight, humiliation and being belittled with a resigned silence? Perhaps it was because you thought the person 'still loved you' and that if you 'rocked the boat' you would lose the love. Your problem is that your concept of love is polluted and your abuser learnt how to confuse you by behaving lovingly sometimes and then mistreating you in an alternative fashion. Yes, abusers don't abuse all the time and this is what makes it hard for the victims to think clearly. This is how you shall identify sincere love from love-abuse cocktail. Love shouldn't leave you feeling exhausted, stressed out and unappreciated. Love is supposed to be easy and natural, a release from the monotony of daily life. Love is supposed to be a relief, not a problem to deal with. Real love doesn't break you or require you to diminish yourself. Love is supposed to be treasure, not trouble.

Being a nice and kind person is not demonstrated by how much you're willing to be inconvenienced by people or being at their beck and call. Learn to tell people 'no, I don't have the time and energy to help you with that.' You can interject when someone is doing or telling you things you're uncomfortable with and say 'I'm not comfortable with that please excuse me.' Being a good person is about being courteous and helpful when circumstances permit, not being exploitable or the human equivalent of a dormant.

The people who are doing inner work and trying to get better and make a change with their lives will recognize each other right away. Because they speak a kind of similar language and see life from the same angle. They're thirsty for new learning and deeper connections. When two of them sit the conversation is different and the energy is vibrant. Irrespective of differences in age or race or nationality, they somehow feel like kin. If you ever hook up with such a kindred spirit count it a treasure and try to keep the connection alive as long as possible. It will revitalize and energize you.

Careful child. If you let people think you'll stay through anything, they'll put you through everything. If you want healthy relationships, put aside the desire to be as easy going and congenial as possible. Instead, be committed to the relationship but also be committed to protecting your dignity and maintaining high standards for what treatment you will accept from people. As you give out love and genuine care to others, do not accept insensitivity or selfishness in return. Agree with yourself that you'll only stay in relationships and friendships that uphold your happiness and well-being. Determine early on that you would rather be happy alone than always sad and stressed in a relationship. Anyone or anything that costs you your peace is not worthy to keep.

If you're 26 or thereabout and you're contemplating marrying a guy who's forty something, you're making a mistake you cannot see now but which will catch up with you later. You say you find younger men immature and disappointing, and that you find him mature and focused. But that's only because he's a shadow of your father. Not all men in late 20's or early 30's are immature. You're just generalising to avoid the work of searching and to justify your awkward choice. Perhaps he's very patient with you and he has mentored you but that's only because you're an image of his daughter. The chemistry may be strong and sweet but that's only because it carries the taboo flavor of dating a forbidden person, flouting societal norms and being conspirators in a crime of sorts. It's short lived and soon when the ugly reality hits you'll be faced with the consequences you ignored. I know you're saying you know people who have 20 year difference and they're happily married but too often people realise their error when they're already in and they just have to make do with the situation. They may not express their regrets and so you think they're happy. Some of course were marrying for money and if you're one of them go ahead. That's not love but business and deception. The biggest risk with these relationships is that the two people are in different places in their journey in life. At 26 you're starting life and your future is in front of you. At their 40's they're pretty much at the peak or beginning the descent of their career. In 15 years you'll be at the zenith, they'll be in the evening. You're too far apart in life to form a healthy partnership, unless you're not keen on building your dream life and impacting your generation with your gifts. You're risking being widowed while very young. Or becoming a nurse for their lifestyle conditions soon after you get married. Or they could harbor the insecurity that you'll leave them for a younger person and therefore they control you too much. Or they could harbor a condescension towards you, seeing you as a child and belittling you and your ideas. Of course you can't see it now due to your rebellious infatuation. If this person was widowed they should marry a person in their age bracket. If they never got married, you should get very worried.

If a lady doesn't give sex to the man, what else does she offer him in a relationship to prove her worth?' She offers her wifely character, the virtuous woman she is. And she examines if he has the corresponding husband character and competence. There are a lot of women and women who can have sex but are unqualified for marriage because they lack the character for it. The two are simultaneously checking each other's competence. She's looking for a husband and a marriage, and he's looking for a wife. Relationship or boyfriend and girlfriend status are not the goals but stepping stones as they formalize their union. Those who date without the intent of getting married, on the other hand, find that they must give the relationship everything from sex and time and emotional investment to keep it going because there is no clear larger goal. The two are living for the here and now. Inevitably these kind of relationships become complications like cohabiting and losing time and direction, unplanned babies and heartbreaks. When purpose is not clear abuse is inevitable.

People disliking or ganging up against you is often a proof of your distinction. When you begin to authentically embody your higher self, when you set your sights on higher goals and you aim at making a mark in the world, you'll be in the minority. Whether at work or among your relatives or former peers, few will understand your new mindset. But so much the better. When they don't know what you're aiming at or what you're after, they can't sabotage or block you, except calling you funny names and ascribing weird motives to your way of life. If at work, for instance, you're always earlier than everyone and you deliver your targets at half the time allocated and you invest the remaining time doing higher things for your own learning, all your colleagues can think is that you want a promotion. The truth is that you want to master the field and invent new standards and procedures, but you cannot explain or even reveal such a goal to just anyone. Luckily for you, there will always be one friend or even your partner who knows you're fully capable of being the game changer in that field. You sense a higher calling and so you behave in a higher manner. Your confidence is unshakeable. When people leave you out in their plans and parties you don't even notice it because you spend every moment cracking problems in your private training regime. Like all other champions, the fruit of your different mindset might not be evident right away but don't you worry or be discouraged. In about 5 or 10 years you'll have become the industry standard, the example to be emulated everywhere. That's when the same people who are calling you names now will be telling people how they used to know you personally.

You don't need to get into relationships to find a mate. Associate with the people you're interested in on a personal level but don't get exclusive with each other until you're sure they qualify to be your partner. Avoid getting sexually involved with them so that there will be no breakup if you decide to move on. This way you avoid the two most common problems in dating: heartbreaks and time wastage. Only date when you're ready to settle in order to focus your time and energy in personal development before then, and to fully focus on searching when you're ready. Mingle with as many people but with no strings attached. Keep moving and do not overstay where you're not sure. Give your search a time frame much like you would give any other project, like 1 or 2 years. During that period invest in every aspect of your life to increase your chances. Purchase or pay access to sources of knowledge about the other gender and relationships. Work with a plan and maintain hope that you'll find.

Again, if you're cohabiting with a man you have no rights to question his behaviour. You're not his wife or his sister or his mother and so don't go around texting people about his behaviour or gossiping about him to relationship experts. Whether he's a porn addict or a sex mania, who told you to invade his space and start snooping on his lifestyle? You never respected yourself enough to look for a husband or to analyse this man's character with no strings attached to determine if he's good to marry. You decided instead to become a squatter in a man's space and now you imagine you have pseudo wife status. You're just a confused (and very cheap) woman who is wasting her time and complicating her life and complaining about it at the same time. Give us a break.

You know they're only using you when before the act they remove your clothes and act romantic but after the act they grab theirs and run. You see it was a stealing activity and no thief wants to linger in the scene of crime too long. And if you thought it was making love, you should feel sorry for yourself.

Don't take yourself out of the market for someone who is still shopping. Don't go around telling people you're taken if you're not yet married or already in the process of formalising. It's dangerous to get excited and draw conclusions when the other person is still tentative and they haven't done the necessary to get you officially. You may be shocked when one day you see them acting very single with other people and when you try to protest they simply ask you who told you they were not single. Don't even let people love you with body language only or gestures. Actions are important but you also need people to declare their intentions with you. Ensure you have clarity before your emotions get out of control and you start imagining your own things.

If they use you to forget another person they will forget you when they meet the next one, or when they get back with the same person. There are people who are emotional nomads, constantly shifting from one relationship to another. Their emotional resources are shallow and they constantly avoid being alone and addressing the root of their problems. Understand: every job requires a certain level of skills and experience, and love is no different. For someone to love you right and to build a stable union they must have spent at least a couple of years in their single life alone. That's when they built themselves up and offset all psychological gaps in their make up. They learned to live a quiet life and to survive with meagre resources. These are critical skills needed in building a healthy union and if you try to build a life with a person who lacks this experience you'll be always disappointed.

You need to stop taking people's behaviour too personally and internalising it. Even if they directed their unfriendly or malicious behaviour or words towards you, you need to understand that their actions are more about them than they are about you. What they did was a reflection of how they perceive themselves and their place in the world and where they are in growth. Perhaps they feel insecure and unsafe in the job or in love relationships, and so they project their fears onto you and they try to frustrate you in order to eliminate you as a threat. Even if you're not competing for any position or anyone's attention, your very presence is disturbing to them. Your grace and peace and the way people like you reminds them of what they wish for but they cannot get: happiness and being likeable. The best response is to observe their drama without reacting or getting worked up. You remain firm and unfazed as they get worked up until they realise they're getting nowhere with their shenanigans. You push back when necessary, but you largely keep your distance and stay engaged with your life. This ability to stay calm when someone is trying to cause a storm is a personal superpower.

Blood doesn't make you family; it merely makes you related. What makes you family with someone is genuine support, friendship and trust. Never give anyone the power to run your life just because they're blood. Instead, always check the kind of bond between the two of you, and how much that person has been of help in your journey in the past. If you're making a milestone like a wedding, some people will crop up out of nowhere to benefit from the situation in the name of being family, when in fact they have never been relevant in your life in any way. Never give such people undue influence whether in negotiations or in making important decisions. Keep all the cards in your hands and never surrender your affairs to profiteers posing as family.

Sometimes when you love people and they don't love you back you may find yourself wondering if you're being punished for the times you didn't love those who loved you in the past. But the reality is that one-sided attractions are common in the dating scene, and you should neither try to 'feel' those who love you if the chemistry is absent, nor stay with someone who is merely putting up with you when they don't really love you. If there's no mutual spark, do not feel any guilt. You cannot force it and neither should you fake it. Worse still, never marry someone you don't connect with hoping that the love 'will grow.' Even if there's already a baby or pregnancy, that's the result of biology and your lack of discipline and they cannot bring about love. Chemistry and connection are very different affairs.

If you learn that a person you thought was your friend has been in rooms full of opportunities for you or has been in contact with people who were looking for the kind of services you offer, but your friend did not put in your name or try to link you up, they're no longer your friend and they don't wish to see you progress. You may ignore these signs out of desire for their company but you'll come to realise when that person has costed you more. The benefits friends give each other are not always direct assistance but indirectly by looking out for you when they happen to be in a position to, or sniffing openings for you to jump on to. If you keep looking out for people who are not looking out for you, that's how you stagnate in life.

What right do you have to talk about the immorality of those who sell sex for money or job promotions when yourself you're giving it for dry good morning texts and empty promises 😏 they may be cheap or unprincipled but at least they're selling for something. You you're selling for what?

Those people going around lamenting about the behaviour of their baby daddies give us a break. Did we tie you up with him? Not only did you decide to have a baby daddy in the first place, but you went so far as to pick which particular man to be involved sexually with. You knew all the shenanigans and monkey business you were risking getting into but somehow you calculated that you could handle it. So instead of acting helpless or surprised you should just kick-start your strategy of last resort as you had planned. Enlist the police to run after him; consult the horoscope, visit a witch doctor, whatever. The real problem is that most of these ladies cannot see past their noses. They indulge in sexual activity without thinking of the risks they're undertaking. They refuse to make use of the grey matter inside their heads and they're therefore beyond help. Even if you give them advice they won't implement it because they enjoy playing victim and soliciting for sympathy.