Benjamin Zulu Global

It's okay to switch your approach to relationships and alter your priorities about what you want in life as well as in love. Once you have learnt what counts most in the long run, update your methods to include it and don't feel any shame when people act surprised at your new ways of doing things. Remember those who cannot change their thinking cannot change anything. Always strive to know better so that you can do better and have a better life. In the end, you're the author of your life's manuscript and you have the permission to continually release better editions of it.

Now let's go back to mathematics of life. Relationships Calculus Four: The only way your partner will respect you is when they know you love them but you can as well make it without them should they force you to. In a sense, you ensure to be married for life when you know you can do without that marriage. Lasting relationships require high levels of respect, and in order to command respect you must inspire a touch of fear; fear of crossing the wrong lines, of violating trust, fear of losing such a valuable person as you. This doesn't mean you're not committed or you have one leg out. Actually you're fully invested in the relationship. The only thing is that you have minimum standards you will not compromise, like loyalty and being treated with honor. Of course society frowns upon divorce and tries to shame those who quit even without checking the fact, but you've also long divorced the need to be approved by that society. Every mature person who desires a happy life eventually gets to this point. Of course at the wedding we vow to stick together through all seasons and until death. But these require to be performed by both parties. If one ceases to abide by the oaths, the other cannot do it alone. Our Lord taught that the way to save your life is to lose it, (John 12:25) or to give up your excessive attachment to it. Similarly the way to have a happy marriage is to stop dreading abandonment so much that you're ready to stay married even on worst of terms. Its until you overcome your fear of death that you can live fully.

Waiting for someone to get their act together so you can marry them is an insult to yourself. It's like lowering your worth just because someone cannot afford your price. That's not how trading, or dating, operates. And you'll end up with a bad deal if you don't stop it. Evert astute business person can tell from just a brief interaction which customer is keen on purchasing and who is just admiring things they cannot afford. You must develop a similar sensitivity if you want to succeed at the delicate game of dating.

Sometimes people don't leave you for someone better, but for someone who hasn't learned them as much as you have. If you're wondering what you did wrong, seeing through their pretense and manipulations was precisely what made them run. You cannot avoid feeling hurt and disappointed, but you should also feel relieved that the truth came out this early before you wasted more of your time in it.

Jealous people don't necessarily want what you have, they just hate that you have it. They don't have the will or the capacity to go for something like that, but they still seethe to see you work and earn it. This is the essence of mean spirits and its very rampant among those steeped in poverty and backwardness. They would rather not see anyone advance. This is why you must carefully select who gets to see your milestones lest you start other wars that will consume or exhaust you in the end. Do not invite people blindly for the baby shower or graduation or house opening party. There are people who will scheme for years to ruin that achievement. When you write the invite list, vet everyone. Better to have a small group that will genuinely be inspired by your progress.

We were at a party when one guy said something inaccurate while attempting to translate a local dialect just for fun, but the wife ridiculed him in everyone's hearing and we had to feign amusement to reduce the embarrassment. You need a partner who not only covers you before people but also teaches you things without making you feel dumb for not knowing them already. It's unfortunate to have an enemy for a partner, someone who puts you down in front of people. A person who truly loves you cares how their words and actions make you feel. This should not be rocket science.

Telling your partner what you're about and what time you expect to be back home is not being controlled but being courteous and respectful. This you should do on your own initiative and without them having to prod. It spares them the anxiety and uncertainty of wondering if you're okay and when they will see you again. This not only makes it easier for them to plan their day but also it makes the relationship meaningful and functional. And if you think they have no business knowing what you're up to or your whereabouts, why are they your partner? You can't just pick the parts of marriage that are sweet and easy for you. Either swallow that ego and come down to partnership and humility, or marry that ego.

There are people who claim they're 'not looking for anything serious' but they still want all relationship benefits. They don't want commitment or responsibility but they want to monopolise your attention and they have the guts to catch feelings when you're not available for them. They cloak it as friendship but they lead you on to a place where they're pulling all the levers. They want to have you for themselves in exchange for nothing and to leave when they want. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can 'love them until they change their mind about you.' Such people are selfish and elusive to boot.

What is that one topic you can discuss for thirty minutes or an hour without preparation or prior notice? What's that one thing that will cross your mind at least several times a day, or when you see someone doing it you feel an excitement and a longing that's hard to suppress? That's your calling my friend. You have no excuse to continue saying 'I wish I can discover my purpose.' Instead, admit the real problem, that you're too afraid to follow your calling. That fear is the problem you should praying and fighting against.

Not all bad relationships involve being with a mean or malicious person. Some people really have good intentions and they love you the best way they know how. What makes the relationship bad for you is because this person's needs and way of existing in the world forces you to compromise on your wellbeing and happiness. They're not inherently a bad person, but they're not the right person for you. The fit isn't right. Perhaps they're obsessive and insecure, or they're emotionally unstable and suicidal. In any case you know you should leave but you wonder how you would walk out on a person who is sincere, who hasn't wronged you per say, and one who is perhaps trying to get better. With your help they have improved and you fear that leaving them might reverse all the gains they've made. You've stayed in hopes that soon they'll get their life on track and your love will blossom. You're thoroughly deluded and totally mistaken. You and they are in very different places in life. As much as you're helping them, they're not ready for a relationship and they cannot show up emotionally for you. They need to first heal to a degree of being functional before they can start dating. You need to separate help from love, dependency from healthy connections. If someone seems to be in an emotional 'life support machine,' their priority at that point is to fight for their life. Other things like dating will come later. In conclusion, if you find yourself in constant stress because of what's going on in the other person's life, consider the possibility that they have another journey to do first before they can come to a place like where you are yourself. It's an act of necessity and compassion to both of you to let them go so that they can focus on their healing or growth and for you to relieve the strain on your emotional well-being.

Again,let us repeat the fundamentals of true love to save people from dating and marrying their own fantasies. Yes, that's possible. Too often people marry the hope of who they think the partner will evolve into, not who they really are. And what do they hope he or she will evolve into? Of course, their ideal lover. Trouble is, that ideal lover resides only in their head and was formed by unmet childhood needs and excessive consumption of soaps and telenovelas. How to know if a person truly loves you? When that question ceases to be a question. When they truly love you, you won't question it. You will feel assured and at home with them. You'll feel like you've always known them. When someone values you and you're a priority to them you'll know it. If anyone makes you question where you stand in their lives, that's enough reason to stop standing there and start moving. The fact that you love a person and they love you back is not enough reason to get into a relationship with them. You also need similar values, same energy and the right timing. Nobody can fill the void of you not being at peace inside of yourself. If you feel inadequate or lost, you canot cure it by entering a relationship. You have another personal journey to undertake first. Constant tears and solving difference after difference are not signs of true love but unhealthy passion and fundamental incompatibility. Do not marry someone if your relationship with them looks like a circus, because the pattern will continue. Those who say there are no rules to love and anything goes are throwing dust in your eyes so they can take advantage of your lack of clarity. Either that, or they're lost themselves and they hate to own up and start the hard work of correcting their mess.

Just a friendly reminder that you're allowed to change your mind a about the people and things you want in your life. You're allowed to alter your preferences and priorities without explaining or seeking approval from your former clique or whoever. You can stop showing up at the same places and go a different direction. As you grow older and wiser you're allowed to shape your life according to the new knowledge you're gaining. And keep in mind that poverty and financial dependency are above everything else a lifestyle choice. Those who neglect to aim at and reach for financial freedom and independence will automatically end up in mediocrity and financial insecurity. You can be born in poverty without you choosing, but to stay in poverty throughout life is a result of your own choices. Money or misery are a direct reflection of one's mindset. Remember if you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice. A lot of people crave financial freedom but they never sacrifice for it or apply themselves to get it, and so they remain with unfulfilled desires and wishy-washy dreams. Their case is hopeless.

Love is easy. It's people who make it hard by mistaking it for what it's not and seeking it from people who don't have it. When you finally find love you realise it's smooth and tranquil. Love doesn't give you sleepless nights, rather it lulls you to sleep and makes you rest like a baby. Love doesn't cause a scawl on your face, rather it brings a shine and makes your eyes glow. When love is true, there's more calm than chaos. The problem is people do not recognise love from its counterfeits and so they give up on the real thing before they even meet it. Nobody can say they were hurt by love. You can only be hurt by false love posing as true love. Those who know love know that it is serene and assuring. Seek true love and you'll realise it doesn't hurt, it only heals.

Those ladies who keep asking me how to pin down elusive baby daddies who have been angaging you in hide and seek, go to children's court. It's at Upper Hill just after Community Bus Stage opposite Water Towers. Use gate C and turn right just after Registry. You'll see Family Court right ahead. Good luck. You see you should have asked yourself those questions before you had sex with them. There's nothing new or interesting there. Irresponsible men have been ducking responsibilities from the dawn of civilization. Stop talking as if you're reporting some breaking news. If you make mindless decisions and tie yourself up with useless fellows either own up and carry the burden alone or take up your armor and pursue him through litigation.

There are people who think we work for money just so that we can spend it. No. We look for money so that we can spend our days as we wish. What we're really after is not so much about luxury but freedom. To live life on our own terms.

When night falls and it's all quiet and we are alone in the house, suppressed needs and emotions boil to the surface. Loneliness, memories of past romantic experiences, regrets over lost chances, fear of never finding true love, craving to hold and be held. The one thing that all these emotions push away is patience and sound reasoning. Be careful who you reach out to or make plans to meet up with. Beware lest you slide into things you had to pray yourself out of. Remember the key to breaking the spell of any temptation is to remember where it took you last time.

Tell me one or two things you love about yourself; a superior skill, a unique strength, a very attractive attribute. Now for a moment behave as if that's all you can see. Plan your days for the next one week, two weeks, two months with those qualities in mind and giving them the first priority before other demands of your life like duty and social expectations Assign time and activities that allow you to shine in those areas. What you're coming up with is your life's ideal direction. That's where you ought to be headed. You might not realistically execute the changes in a few months but if you begin today to gradually adjust your life towards that direction eventually you'll be squarely on the right path. Then you will find rest and peace knowing you're doing what you were destined to do. Sometimes you cannot alter your financial situation at once or persuade powerful people to help you. All you can do is change yourself and what you value , but then that's what changes everything eventually.

What if I told you that all the rebuffs and rejections you suffered had nothing to do with your personal worth as you thought, but everything to do with your compatibility with those other people? Rest assured of this: some day all the love you've given to the wrong people will come back to you in the form of a person who has waited all their life for someone like you.

They used to push girls to get married early before she knew who she was and what she deserved because they feared that she might actually stand up for herself and refuse to take oppressive bullshit. There are still some cultures today where girls are pulled out of school and married off. Others are born to those mothers who were married off so early that they never made anything of their lives except being a mother and wife, and so they advertise marriage as the highest achievement for a woman, because for her it was. She unknowingly perpetuates the same destructive pattern by pushing the girl to look for a man in the university, instead of encouraging her to irrigate and hatch her dreams first. Just how many flowers have been nipped off this way before they blossomed? Understand: you don't have choose between your dreams and marriage: you can have both. Simply set your mind on it, prepare for each and be firm against all sociall currents that have historically quashed women's potential. This means before you enter marriage you must first define your dreams and have them in sight. This way as you negotiate for marriage they're a part of the formula. The only time you can negotiate is before signing up.

If you accept to be sent fare so that you can go meet the person, that person will dictate the location and the agenda of the meeting, and of course you know where you'll end up meeting and what will end up happening. And nobody can take you seriously if you engage in such cheap dealing anyway. You'll just sell your body and your dignity for nothing, because the person will be wondering how many other people you've done this with. If your goal was a one-day fling or chew and spew, then go ahead. But if you're seruously searching for a mate you should finance your own movements to keep the meetings and the interactions objective and neutral. And if you can't afford your own fare then you have no business dating, instead you should be focusing on putting in place a financial base for your future. The word 'poor' can be abbreviated as Passing Over Opportunities Repeatedly. Right now when you're not burdened by family responsibilities you have an opportunity to build skills and competences that will give you financial security in the days to come. But if instead you continue courting ill-timed pregnancies and heartbreaks, know for a fact you're digging yourself deeper into dependency and poverty. Soon you'll join the chorus of those who lament 'Ananitesa lakini sasa nitoke niende wapi?' (I'm being abused but I'm totally dependent on the abuser)