Benjamin Zulu Global

Usually there are no dysfunctional families. It's just one dysfunctional parent who then unsettles the whole family. Even with couples who fight frequently, it's usually just one of them who is controlling the dynamic. They're the cause of instability and the other partner is just too indecisive to disengage. They're a passive enabler, a support character. A narcissistic parent will pick one child to adore and lavish, for instance, and pit this golden child against the scape goat. Usually the scapegoat is the enlightened child who can see through the abuse and disagree with it. Another child will choose to avoid the chaos by being invisible and quietly obedient. They become perfect enablers because they don't question anything or speak up. These roles can switch with time as people grow and leave the family nest. But all of them are damaged and misaligned. If they don't seek healing and attain a balanced approach to life away from the dysfunctional family energy, they will institute it in their own homes. Conclusion? As soon as you're out of your home and free from direct parental control, face the mirror in form of self examination and therapy. If you find that you're well adjusted and healthy, well and good. But more often than not, you'll be shocked to find that you've lived in a sick family all your childhood and there's a lot of unlearning to do. Yet you were somewhat okay because that's all you knew. If you neglect to take this step you'll never see your behaviour in perspective because you can't tell the genesis of your biases and extremes. So you'll be grappling through life blindly and meeting surprise setbacks because you're not conscious of your family programming.

There are ladies who go after their estranged baby daddy to get another child by him because she would hate to have a different baby daddy for her second child. Just the idea of having to deal with two men makes her look unprincipled or 'scattered.' Whether that man is dysfunctional or a terrible example for the children doesn't matter. She might end up with two confused and dysfunctional children from the bad influence of their father but she's not thinking about that as long as it's not said that she got them with different men. Isn't it amazing how far we go to appease society and its opinions of us? A point to note also, if you're adding children as a single mother you're diminishing your chances of getting married. One child is responsibility enough for a man to undertake, now imagine two or three. And you'll hear a lady courageously asking 'I'm a single mother of three boys how come it's so hard to meet serious men?' Because they migrated to Jupiter! Stop being funny. Dating and searching is always work even for singles with no children, and you expect it to be any easier when there are children in the picture? And I hope the reason you're adding a child is not just because the one you have is lonely or your maternal instincts want another child. You must choose one path and pursue it: either settle for getting kids and remain single until you get lucky or stop that nonsense and search for a mate with whom you can get the kids inside marriage. You run after an already elusive man and you trap him to make you pregnant a second time because of your own reasons and then you expect him to be very excited to raise the kid? You better first do your math and be ready to raise the kids alone. And always think long term into the future of how your present actions will play out down the line.

A lot of people today fall in love with charisma more than they fall for character, and the bill for their expensive mistake only arrives later in life. Charisma means a magnetic quality that draws people to a person. It's like a magic wand. They're funny and witty. They're hot and sexy. They can lift your moods in an instance. Please notice that charisma is a virtue not a vice. It's a good quality we all need. The problem is when you choose a person based on charisma alone without checking character. The root word for character is derived from a chisel. It meant to chisel something to the right shape and texture. Character is personal while charisma is public. Charisma attracts popularity while character attracts stability. A charismatic person is charming and persuasive, but if they're not honest and reliable, you must never marry them. If they're talented and sensational but they're not grounded and self controlled, flee from them. If they're suave in business but flirtatious and shady with many people, stay away. Always marry character.

To find true love you must first find a true friend. Friendship is the only soil in which the seeds of true love flourish. If you remove the sex and the titles such as wife or boyfriend and find that you wouldn't be friends with that person, you're wasting your time. And what is friendship? Mutual admiration, holding each other in high regard, admiring how they think and view life - exactly the same qualities required for a foundation of true love. There so many people expecting love from someone who doesn't even treat them like a friend. Do not be one of them.

Always cherish those friendships that can survive hiatus or periods of silence without growing weaker. Weeks or months can pass but when you finally meet there's nothing but joy and laughter as you pick up from where you left last. These are low maintenance friendships, connections that never die. Like a breeze of fresh air a conversation with this person brings you back to perspective and gets your imagination running again. You shall do all you can to safeguard and reconnect with these friends every now and then. These are not just feel-good experiences: they bring meaning to our existence.

It hurts when you have to walk away from a person you care about but one who cannot meet your needs. It requires utmost bravery because we always associate choosing ourselves and walking away when the person is bad or abusive. But sometimes the person is not bad,and in some ways things may have worked between you. You've helped each other grow, for instance. Or you moved them from a bad place they used to be stuck and they're grateful for it. But overall, their internal conflicts and their imbalances with life makes it impossible for them to show up for this relationship as they should. And you know that in order to live your life to the fullest you can't settle for this. Even if it seems 'good enough' in the eyes of everyone. You will struggle with feelings of guilt and wondering if you're 'leaving them in times of need' or being selfish. Yes, self love feels like a burden before it feels like freedom. You're choosing yourself and you're exercising higher love for the person by releasing them from pressure and guilt of not being enough for you. You're allowing them to go find their kind, or to be with themselves long enough to overcome their imbalances and toxic traits. Perhaps their journey now is not supposed to be about finding someone else but about finding themselves.

The reason many good people stay in bad relationships is cognitive. They have always made good decisions and they have developed trust in their ability to weigh situations and make sound choices. And they have a track record for it. They picked the right schools and the right courses, they chose the right jobs and places to live; they have even helped their families with wisdom that changed things and it was appreciated by everyone. But when it came to this relationship they still approached it the same way, and yet they made a terrible decision that resulted in self betrayal and untold setback. They were shocked. The result of their bad choice was just paralysing. And it took them a while to even accept that. And yet to correct the decision they were required to make yet another decision, to leave, at a time when they had lost faith in their own decision making. So in fear of making another bad decision, they avoided making any decision. They refused to commit to any change. They couldn't stand the embarrassment of another fail. The place of criticism and disapproval can be very strange if you're used to always winning. Imagine the younger siblings who depended on your guidance now hearing your relationship has failed. And then you having to own up that you had chosen the wrong person. Before you outgrow that shame there will be a process, and many people avoid that process. Solution? Making no decision is also a decision. You're allowing the problem to sit and get worse. If you find yourself having lost your way and heading into a ditch, do you stop controlling the vehicle and freeze in fear? No, you try to stop and turn, even if you do it while screaming. And that's what you must do now. Stop and turn. If you don't everything will burn. And then your first failure will be fatal, instead of it being only the first. We don't drown because of falling in water, we drown because of delaying to get out.

Why You Need a Strong Woman to Get Anywhere If you're intimidated by strong women you'll never go anywhere in life because it takes a strong woman to support you to greatness. Great visions are very heavy and you cannot accomplish them alone, or with a subdued and silenced woman. You need a soulmate who both knows your potential and has the courage to correct you when you're not behaving accordingly. You don't marry a fan or a worshipful woman, because a fan is just wowed by your work and they think you have 'made it.' You marry someone who both knows what you're capable of and they know what you must do to stay on track. They can tell you no and call you out. You must get used to this 'homemade criticism' because it insulates you from public ridicule and shame. She's able to warn you before your blunders get noticed by the world. If you love your destiny, you must also marry an overseer of that destiny. A caretaker partner who is both caring and invested enough that they can't become internal opposition, but also they don't 'yes' you to your destruction. Marry someone who you could have been best friends even without marriage. That means you think on the same level and they see what you can do. This doesn't mean she has no dreams of her own or the support is only one sided. No, your dreams are complimentary and you build each other in a rhythmic fashion. Unless she's also building something, how else can she advise about building? For her advice to be marked relevant she must also be in the market. What if you only feel safe around docile and domesticated girls? You're too weak to get anywhere that way. Grow up first until you get accustomed to feedback and challenge.That's the stuff champions are made of. True success is never solitary. It's always teamwork and your wife must be your first team player. Also, it's not just your vision that needs to be worked on, but the vision bearer: you. You need a lot of chiselling to go where your vision needs to be taken, or else it'll never come to pass.

Your goals should be attainable since you can imagine and believe them. But they should also be so far ahead of where you are that they will require both effort and faith to attain them. Also, the stretch of achieving them will leave you a different person at a very different place. You will need to keep working and believing and watching. Fifty-fifty you may hit, fifty-fifty you may miss. Goals that change your life are never obvious. They involve anxiety and risk. If they're comfortable and guaranteed, then they're already within your present level. This is why we keep our goals low-key - because we're also not so sure whether they will happen within the time we're hoping. If we broadcast them too much and they flop or they delay, we'll have too many people to explain to. Only amateurs and the inexperienced trumpet about their plans to everyone. Wise people know that it's easier to take a loss privately than having to endure needless ridicule from everyone you told. You also need space to adapt to the new lifestyle your goals bring if they do materialise. You will be excited and restless when you first lay your hands on your goals, and you should give yourself the room to sing your songs of celebration. Your inner circle will celebrate with you, of course, but since it was your brainchild, you'll be the one at the centre. Afterwards, you may unveil your project to the world when you have settled in it, and you can take both cheers and jeers with poise.

If you turn a person down and they refuse to accept it and instead they start pestering you and forcing their way into your life, that's no longer love. That's obsession, a very dangerous thing to deal with. They're besides themselves. They're gripped by an imaginary ghost of you that they've built in their head, either a very perfect and flawless person, or the ultimate cure for the misery in their life. It means they're so insecure that they feel incomplete without you, and they're unable to control themselves. Such a person can easily kill you, and even themselves, when they feel like they're losing you. Once you see signs of obsession you must recognise that they're a threat to your life and your peace, and employ the use of authorities or friends to get them from your space. Stalking and following you to your house or workplace is a violation of your privacy and law can protect you. Most importantly, never mistake obsession to mean 'strong love.' Healthy people have pride and confidence in themselves. If you reject them they'll leave you alone, confident that they'll get someone else. But unhealthy people are empty and clingy because they doubt whether anybody else will accept them. You shall never expect a healthy relationship from someone who is manifesting such signs of psychopathy.

If you date someone who says outrightly that they're looking for someone who has a child, don't get excited or feel lucky just because that's your situation. Most people who do this are usually coming from the perspective of 'doing you a favor by accepting your child,' and so hoping you will return the favor by 'not having too many conditions.' Unless they disclose that they have a fertility problem themselves and that's their reason. Otherwise people usually come at you like this so that they put you in a place where you should not question them on anything. Neither should you have any parameters for accepting them. You should lie down and let them walk all over you. An honest person will marry you for you first, and then accept your child because of you. They will have fallen in love with your personality and the wonderful connection both of you have. Then they will accept and embrace your child because of that soulish bond. But if somebody seeks you out merely because of your situation of having a child already, that's very condescending. They think there's nothing more to your life except having a child. And they're hoping to take advantage of you because of that situation. Never engage with anyone who sees you in such a narrow light. You're not just a single parent. You're a person with abilities, and experience, and feelings, and loyalty, and love. Let people engage you on that level or leave you alone.

Next time you see a person who is gorgeous and curvy, or suave and striking, remember that what you're seeing is the least important thing about them. Physical charm is only the carrier of the person. It has its place and power, but you can't bank on people based on it. A person's intelligence and level of understanding; their moral code, and the principles they live by; their level of compassion and love for fellow humans - these are the things that define a person. That's what you will contend with should you marry them. That's what will raise your children. That's what you'll be reasoning with. You never judge a computer by the hardware alone, although that has its place. You want it smart and presentable, but you don't buy it before you know the software that runs in it. A person's mindset and their character comprise their software. It's good that you like their charms and beauty. But if you can't reason together and agree about values and life's goals, nothing else is possible between you. Always hold before falling in love with the residence until you've met the resident.

You should always marry someone who is a keeper of dreams and a shepherd of hope. Only then will your dreams not get scorched by the sun of fatigue and discouragement. It's a long journey to your dreams and you won't get there except you travel with someone who is as excited and committed to the mission as you. The reason a lot of people walk around looking lifeless is because they picked someone who doesn't fan their flame when it begins to flicker, someone who isn't a custodian of their destiny. Everyone has their profession for which they're both called and specialised, and marriage too requires a calling and a specialisation. Your dreams require a person who believes they were called to not only be married to you but also to incubate your greatness. If you marry based on anything less than this you'll have signed away your greatness and your happiness. This is the mistake that makes people sad and frustrated because they got into a marriage that's just okay but one that cannot fuel their destiny. The quickest way to surrender your dreams is to forget them and to make important decisions without having them in mind. Again, the most important question for marrying anyone should always be if you might be trading off your dreams to be with them. That's too great a cost to pay.

Any man who thinks naive girls are the best to date is the one who is naive. So many well meaning men are getting shattered by a girl they 'grew from the ground with.' And by this they mean a girl who was quiet, unexposed, cooperative and totally dependent on him for direction. He found her either in college or struggling in the streets trying to find a career and he 'adopted her.' That is, they 'started dating' as he will put it. Her situation gave him a sense of being in charge because she didn't challenge anything he said. But the fatal mistake he made was to make two assumptions: that he could 'program' her into his values and ways of life, and second, that she didn't crave adventure underneath all that composed look. She cooperated because he was changing her life for the better and she was in love, after all. She didn't fully understand what was going on and she couldn't know what she didn't know, namely that other men exist and she had unexplored urges. So with time and the new world he parachuted her into, she gets excited and overwhelmed by the things she gets to see. Attention from other men and the exciting feelings their flirting gave her. Many are not really cheating because they're selfish or uncaring: some are just overcome by the urge to explore. Sure, she would never have come to this level without him, but she can't help it. As a man you created this problem yourself from the ground up. You intercepted her during her development and you thought you can stop nature. Even if she's a nice person, growth is sequential and the stages you made her skip will still gnaw at her from inside and with time she'll succumb. Solution? Stop your fear of grown women and your obsession with girls. You can date her for five years thinking you're 'grooming her' when you're just incubating the problem that will shatter your life. When you want to marry, date women who also are looking to marry. Those who are done with the previous seasons and are ready to settle.

The key to a secure career is to make sure you're always working harder on yourself than you're working on your job. Schools told us that 'hard work pays' but that's not accurate. Donkeys work hard but how much are they paid? In the corporate pyramid, the guys who do the heaviest lifting are the ones who are paid the least. If you look at a construction site, for instance, the highest paid are not the guys who are mixing mortar and running about with sand and cement to keep pace with the motorised mixer. It's the foreman who is just watching them from a distance. Really, it's growth that pays. Not just working hard. You must be working hard on yourself. The foreman grew to this level. And above him are other people like the architect and the investor, who are at higher levels of growth. And many of them literally began at the bottom in the same industry. In summary? Effort alone will not get you ahead, but advancement. Move forward as a person and life will move your rewards upwards as well. Don't just sweat at doing your job. Sweat at improving your behaviour and you'll be surprised at how richly that exercise is rewarding.

Back in the day if a lady broke up with her man she would 'report' back home and either camp with her people awaiting to hear from her husband's side, or she would leave to go hustle for her children 'in the meantime.' As long as a woman had left her marriage, something was pending. The matter had to be resolved. A woman was incomplete without marriage. Underline 'marriage.' Not her happiness or emotional wellbeing. Marriage. It was understood that now she was operating from her parents' home and if her husband wanted her back he would have to convene a meeting with her people. Sometimes an emissary would be dispatched from her people to go hear 'what complaints there were against their daughter' from her husband's side. Either way, a meeting would be arranged where both sides would be heard and hopefully a truce would be arrived at. Then she would return. The families had mediated a reconciliation and the reunion of a family. A noble exercise no doubt, right? Wrong. The whole exercise violates eternal principles about human psychology and relationships. First, whatever made them breakup is NOT affected by having a throng sit and discuss it. It will continue even if they get back. People treat you according to how they feel about you, not according to how they were threatened by your kinsfolk. Second, when you leave a union you cannot remain the same person in the same place waiting for the same person to come after you. The life you had started on your own, if at all you're growth-conscious, will have began to transform you and if you attempt going back to the same situation you'll find it intolerable. Third, the whole process assumed that the lady had no life of her own. She was either 'in the care of' her husband or her family. There was no place in society for a single woman and being unmarried was a shame. This is outdated nonsense. A woman must have a career and a life path of her own. And if a marriage fails she should go to her life, not her parents. She's a grown up with a life to live and goals to achieve. Her first priority, and that of anyone who really cares about her as a daughter or sister or friend, should be her wellbeing. She must not be asked to endure when she's unhappy. She should be given room to self determine and live by her own rules. If she feels disrespected and taken for granted, and, after trying many times to fix her relationship she decides to walk out, all of us who care about her should support her without any pressure to return. We want her alive and well, whether married or not. She can seek emotional support from her people during times of stress of course, but she should not put herself in the hands of anyone. If her husband wants to talk he should consult her directly. She's a grown up who can make her decisions independently. And she's the one who knows why she left. She has the inner feeling of the treatment she received. If she decides to reconcile it should be her decision and then, out of courtesy rather than obligation, she can inform her family that she decided to reconcile. She's a sovereign entity in her own right. She's a grown up of sound mind. She's not anyone's property. That her family provided social or emotional support for her to reorganise her life was a good thing, but it should have stopped there. They must not start convening clan meetings to discuss her personal life. It's intrusive and inappropriate, and it strips her naked, feeding her enemies with rich material for gossip and ridicule. Your worst enemies are always among your relatives. So that should be the last place you want to wash your dirty linen. If you need the help of a third party better go to a counselor, or a mentor, or a trustable friend. Keep your personal life private. And value your wellbeing above anything else. Never die trying to 'endure' marriage. You were born alone and you will die alone. Put yourself first.

Appearances can be very deceptive. Because you spend so much time with your colleagues at work and with of all the physical closeness and long hours in the same space, if you're not careful you can mistake them for friends. Inevitably, in the course of time they'll learn some things about your life, and, naturally, they'll tender their advice. There may be times you've supported each other like colleagues during events like having sick loved ones and bereavements, for instance. But really, you did it in form of social welfare or staff merry-go-round. This is not to say that genuine friendships cannot sprout from working together, but the point is that you cannot open your personal life on the basis of being colleagues only. But since during these interactions they may have seen the inside of your life, some may innocently try to influence your decisions about career and personal relationships. Ask yourself whether you'd hear from these people if you left this job, or how much they show personal concern when you're on leave. Based on this assessment, how much weight should their advice carry about your next step in life? Appreciate the kindness of colleagues but never mistake them for friends or personal advisors.

You don't have an appointed soulmate or individual, but you're attracted to certain personalities and your partner will end up coming from that group. So the people you can possibly marry are many and the one you end up with depends on the work you've done to evolve your soul up to that point. Some of us can look back and see a time we wanted to settle and there was someone who we genuinely loved. Looking back now, the person was not the problem and we'd probably have led an okay marriage with them, but the problem was the time we wanted to settle and how much growth was still needed on our part. Your potential soulmates vary as you grow because you'll choose a person who is on your level at that time. You cannot wait forever of course, but the duty for those who want a happy life is to only choose when they have developed enough depth and self awareness to know which values are eternal for them, like compassion, honesty and constant growth. When you have curved out these, you find a soulmate who values the same and together you continue to unveil ever new and better versions of yourselves for life.

It's not earning money that makes you rich but how you retain it. There are people who remain financially insecure despite having made lots of money because of their poor relationship with wealth. Rich and poor are mindsets more than anything. Wealth is like a country where the citizens behave in a certain way and anyone who visits there and cannot adapt the culture is soon expelled back to poverty. Poor people, for example, go broke trying to look rich. Rich people, on the other hand, don't mind looking broke while becoming rich behind the scenes. Poor people buy luxury things first, rich people buy luxury items last. Poor people rush to buy fashionable items to latch onto a trend, while rich people know they'll never be late for a good item because new innovations are released in constant succession. Rich people are patient and far-seeing in their financial decisions while the poor move in haste and impulse. Understanding this, you must never fool around and a marry a person who manifests symptoms of poor mindset because you can never become rich with such a person.

Brother code: you can win any woman. And when I say any I don't mean a particular lady called mercy because she might have already been identified by another fox. I mean a woman of any class, whether you're on that class yourself or you're on your way there. Dating is like a campaign and you can win a woman's vote - her heart - if you sell your plan persuasively. Simply understand the traits all women share, traits which don't change with their socioeconomic status. All women want sincerity. All of them. All women want loyalty. No woman wants to deal with extra females. No modern woman will agree to be extra in your life unless she has a higher goal than you can see because you're distracted by her thighs. In the past our mothers agreed to polygamy because it was imposed on them by a male dominated society but today's learned and self reliant women can never agree to that. If she does, either she's skinning you behind your back or she's a retiring twilight girl and therefore anything can do. Or she's otherwise of no value to you and thus she would never have won you or any man of her own. She wants your money and lots of it. Also, all women want a funny and interesting man who makes her laugh. This trait was given as number one consideration by 89% of women in a recent survey. You don't need to be a comedian or be naturally funny. You can simply learn a type of fun that flows with your personality. Finally, be thoughtful or knowledgeable - a polite way of saying use your brains and engage hers - and show leadership or decisiveness. If you possess these traits even in mild forms the best type of women will easily fall for you