N's POV
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| 日期 | 订阅者增长 | 提及 | 频道 | |
| 28 九月 | 0 | |||
| 27 九月 | 0 | |||
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| 25 九月 | 0 |
频道帖子
| 2 | 语音消息 | 45 |
| 3 |  没有文字... | 46 |
| 4 |  یه بوککلاب تو دانشگاهمون داره اینو میخونه. ولی من نمیتونم شرکت کنم چون ساعتش تداخل داره برام. پس این کتاب بره توی #want_to_read | 68 |
| 5 | 语音消息 | 67 |
| 6 |  没有文字... | 68 |
| 7 | یکی از خوابهای پر تکرارم اینه که دزد اومده تو خونه. از موقعی که یادم میاد این خوابو میبینم. و واقعاً شبا با یه ترسی از اینکه کسی یهو درو باز کنه و بیاد تو میخوابم.
حدس میزنم تروماییه از دورانی که یه جایی مستاجر بودیم، که نوهش اسکیزوفرنی داشت، و یهو شبا میومد تو حیاط و داد و بیداد راه مینداخت و گاهی حتی پلیس درگیر میشد که کنترلش کنن. من اونموقع ۵-۶ سالم بود. | 84 |
| 8 |  صبح که بیدار شدم، تازه نگرانی دیشبم رفع شده بود. و دوباره گرفتم خوابیدم؛ چون بالاخره میتونستم با آرامش بخوابم. و یادم اومد این اضطراب شبانه اولین باری نیست رخ میده. و اینم یه دلیل دیگهایه که صبحا زیاده از حد میخوابم. شبا احساس امنیت و آرامش کامل نمیکنم. | 87 |
| 9 | Even they miss you too. They miss your warmth. Your deep empathy. Anyone who's once known you, misses you sometimes. | 99 |
| 10 | 语音消息 | 98 |
| 11 |  52I talked to my plushie a little bit. Her mother had left her too. Not forever. Just momentarily. She was scared. I let her cry. I told her that she's safe. That her fear is understandable because she's so little. Of course that trying to manage life without his mom is beyond her imagination.
She cried a bit. I told her "I know you miss your mom. But you know what? She misses you too. She misses you a lot. More than everything. So she will eventually come back. She might be able to resist anything. But she won't be avle to resist missing you. She misses you a lot."
Plushie said "I thought I was a bad girl. Does she really miss me? Does she like me? Did I not hurt her?"
I told her "of course she misses you!"
She's now calm. Back to her playing. | 89 |
| 12 |  I'm scared now too. I'm so scared that I can't process my emotions much. I can't cry, because nothing bad has happened yet. But I can't calm down either, because I'm just expecting to hear the bad news. Something inside me tells me "Yup. That's the end of it. It happens gradually. That's a start to an ending. You should've known earlier. There were signs. You're just an idiot."
There are some bees in my stomach, buzzing, like their home has been disrupted. My heart is pounding. I keep looking at the clock. The feeling is so familiar.
I experienced the same feeling with all my boyfriends. This heavy weight of waiting, right before the breakup.
But what about earlier than that? When did I wait for something that never came? | 75 |
| 13 |  I remembered why I have a fear of abandonment. When my mom was angry with my dad, she would just leave the house, without letting us know. One time my dad looked almost all the city for her until he found her at a mosque. I was very little, so I would really think she will never get back. That we might find her dead (specially since two women who I knew closely had committed suicide. So suicide was on the table). I would be so scared, and I couldn't cry. Because I couldn't even process my emotions at that time. I was more in a state of numbness and being shocked. | 67 |
| 14 | 语音消息 | 61 |
| 15 | 语音消息 | 64 |
| 16 |  Whenever I feel insecure, my power statement is "No one knows how scared you are, if you don't show it. You're the only one who knows it!"
And that's extremely empowering! | 64 |
| 17 |  #want_to_read | 54 |
| 18 |  +3Sense 8. Chocolate cake with nee recipe. Pomegranate. Flowers. | 63 |
| 19 |  #wishlist | 64 |
| 20 |  #wishlist | 73 |
