my safe haven 🤍

It feels easy, almost natural for a stranger to give me affection. I don’t feel like I’m difficult to love because I know who I am. I know what I have to offer, I have a lot to offer.

I got 2 nasi katok from this small stall near my house to eat for dinner before my second job. Just to feel the warmth of a “mother’s cooking”. I got 2 cause maybe I can feel twice the love from a mere stranger.

Cooking is a basic skill a human MUST have. It’s not something only a woman should do. What year are we in right now?! Tf 😭🙏🏼

Cause what do you mean cause I can cook, I am now worthy to be called as someone’s wife? Don’t play with me right now.

Growth is realising being labelled “wifey material” as an insult.

Also got nasi padang!!

Worth it though cause I do not have the energy to wash my hair these days.

Oh damn it was 2024 when I had my haircut. I visited the place today and got a haircut, it’s $20 now 😭🙏🏼

Maybe one day i will stop blaming my mother for my low self esteem in adulthood. But these days i can’t help but notice all my unwanted traits traces back to her. I am the product of their marriage after all.

My insecurities are breeding inside me, the seeds are implanted by my mom, the grip of self doubt tightened within me the more i grow up.

For my next trick I will stretch my last $20 until the end of the month.

I want dino nuggets and broccoli

It has been a while since I picked up my headphone. I picked it up today to help indulge in my cleaning. I guess it’s a good thing, I am no longer reliant on my noise cancelling headphones to cancel out the abuse from my parents. I have a loving boyfriend that can sometimes help me, he’s one of my hope and proof in this life that it will get better. It does in fact get better, the weight gets less and less heavier as days go by. I could only dream of this day could happen. 20 year old me wouldn’t believe me if I tell her I don’t have to cope with hurting myself anymore.

go ahead, push them away to prove your unworthiness. believe every cycle of your self sabotage.

I’m stuck under the wrath I am cursed to call my mother.

just because i can handle it well does not mean it does not hurt.

The less I know the better.

What if I get everything I ever wanted and I still feel this way? This lingering feeling I will never be okay with who I am as a person. My skin is itching, it’s thirsty for the cutter to meet its old best friend. I can’t; I’m too tired to cut. I guess I will overcome this day with crying myself to sleep again; like the good old days. At least I will still be clean, not physically cause I can’t bring myself to take a shower. It’s too much work; it’s okay as long as I don’t cut. I give myself some slack cause for Gods sake it’s something my parents haven’t given me for a long time. Some fucking grace to grow as a person, now I think of hurting myself when things don’t go my way. That’s not a normal way to think. Not what normal people would do. People would seek some help, normal people seek help. I have been putting off going to therapy, I am 26 still not stable income. What’s the use of stable mental health if there’s no financial stability? I would probably relapse again if I don’t have the financial freedom. In the meantime, allow me to rot in my bed tonight. Take a break. I. Am. Tired. I will brush my teeth tomorrow. I will face life tomorrow, for tonight I want to go to bed.

I was today years old when I found out crying is significantly difficult with runny nose.