𝖴𝗇𝖿𝗈𝗅𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗌 🖤

it hurts.

at least reject my posts properly by reacting with 👎🏻 don't leave me on seen 😭💔

do you guys secretly hate me?

i think my posts and your reactions are in a long distance relationship now

are you guys collectively ignoring me?

current update: tomorrow, i was finally going to meet my best friend. she's been studying in karnataka, and it's been four months since i've seen her. i've been waiting for this day for so long, counting down the days because i missed her more than i can put into words. and thennnnn, i got sick. my throat hurts so much that i can barely speak. my whole body aches. i have a stomach ache, a fever, and even breathing feels difficult. i'm exhausted, but i can't sleep because everything hurts. and you know what? this always happens. i think i've mentioned this in one of my previous writings too. i rarely fall sick. but somehow, whenever there's something really important in my life or something i've been looking forward to for weeks or months, that's when i end up getting sick. and not just a little sick like completely knocked down. it's soo frustrating. i waited four months to meet my fav person, and just a day before we're supposed to meet, my body decides to betray me. i know there are bigger problems in life, but right now, this one really hurts. i'm hoping i wake up tomorrow feeling better because i don't want to miss something i've been waiting for with my whole heart. anyways, i couldn't sleep, so i ended up writing this instead. if you've read till here, thank you. bye.

my dooron dooron obsession has genuinely gone too far. today i played it on the classroom projector at full volume with the classroom door open. idk where all that confidence came from but i hope it never leaves 👾😭

idk why i chose to write this instead.. i was actually supposed to be writing a birthday wish for my favie, mahi. it's his birthday today. happy birthday to him 💃✨

there should be a way to unlearn birthdays because how do you teach your heart that a date it has loved for years is just another day now? how do you forget the one date you never needed a reminder for? i still remember waiting for midnight like it was my own celebration. i’d spend so much time thinking about what to write, deleting and rewriting every sentence because “happy birthday” never felt enough for someone who meant everything to me. i wanted my wish to make them smile. i wanted them to wake up and know that, before the rest of the world remembered them, i already had.and they waited too.i knew they did. isn’t it strange? how someone can go from being the first person you think of at 12 am to someone you can’t even text anymore? their birthday is coming again. and once again, i won’t stay awake counting minutes. i won’t stare at the clock waiting for it to turn 12. i won’t spend an hour wondering which words are enough. i won’t send anything and they won’t be waiting for my message either. this thought hurts me in the way i can’t even explain. yes i’ve moved on from my past.. but i’ve learned that moving on doesn’t always mean forgetting. it means remembering everything and choosing and choosing not to interrupt their life just because your heart remembered before your mind did.i wish i could forget. not because i hate them. not because i regret loving them. but because remembering feels so unfair. it’s unfair that my heart still whispers “don’t forget their birthday is almost here” as if i’m still the person who is supposed to wish them. as if somewhere they’re still waiting. but they aren’t and i’m not the person who gets to make them smile anymore. it's funny. funny how everything changes. one year you're wondering what gift to give them.the next year you're wondering whether they even remember your name.i never thought silence could hurt this much. i never thought the hardest message i'd ever write.. would be the one i never send..

i knew pursuing cs along with law wouldn't be easy, but i don't think i truly understood what i was signing up for until now. people look at the passing criteria and think, "you just need 40 marks in each subject and 50% in aggregate." it sounds good right? but then you look at the passing percentage every year.. barely 16–17% and you realise those numbers don't tell the whole story. yesterday, i sat down to study at 10 pm i didn't touch my phone, i wasn't procrastinating, and i genuinely wanted to get things done. five hours later, at 3 am, i had only finished watching a two hour lecture. not because i'm slow, but because every concept demanded time. i'd pause, rewind, solve, think, understand, and only then move forward. it's the kind of subject where you can't fake understanding. either you get it, or you don't. i've never been someone who gets stressed over exams. i've always believed that if i study sincerely, things will eventually work out. but this exam is different. it isn't just testing my preparation; it's testing my patience, my consistency, and sometimes even my confidence. and while all this is happening, law doesn't pause for me. today was only my second day back in college after my internship break, and we already have project discussions, viva dates, regular lectures, and the usual academic pressure. it feels like every responsibility has decided to arrive at the exact same time. lately, i keep thinking that this is probably what a struggling phase actually looks like. it's waking up every day knowing exactly what needs to be done, but realising there's more work than hours in a day. it's wanting to give your best to everything, yet constantly feeling like you're falling behind somewhere. i'm trying. i really am. but these days, 24 hours don't feel short because i'm wasting them. they feel short because no matter how much i do, there's always more waiting for me. if you've made it all the way here, thankyou for reading. byeeee, take care. 🤍

i think i look backward so much because the person i used to be feels like a stranger i desperately want to meet again. i miss the girl who woke up without a heavy heart. i miss the quiet certainty that everything would turn out fine if i just kept trying. i wasn’t invincible, but i wasn’t hollow either. i didn’t spend every waking hour questioning my own worth, my own intelligence, or my own right to be here. now, every single day feels like a battle against my own mind. i sit down to study and the anxiety paralyses me before i even begin. the things that used to bring me joy now just feel like reminders of how much i’ve changed. it is an exhausting, heartbreaking cycle.. trying so hard to become someone i already used to be. they tell me this is just the pain of growing up. but growth is supposed to mean adding to who you are. this doesn't feel like growth. it feels like a slow, quiet erasure. i am disappearing from my own life, and the cruelest part is that i can’t even point to the day the lights went out. the truth is, i wove you so deeply into the fabric of my identity that i didn't know where i ended and you began. i never needed you to save me or fix my world. you just had to exist in it. knowing you were there made the sharp edges of the world feel softer. you were my quiet courage. when you left, the grief of losing you was a storm i expected. what i didn’t expect was the devastating silence that followed.. the realisation that you took the effortless, happy version of me with you. i’ve spent so many months waiting for the weight to lift. i keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the day i wake up and finally recognise the person in the mirror. but the days have turned into a lifetime, and a terrifying thought has started to take root: what if i am waiting for someone who is never coming back? how do i explain that to the people around me? how do i tell them that i am homesick for a self i can no longer reach? i don’t just miss you. i miss the life, the warmth, and the light i had inside me when you were here to share it.

hey my dear cutiee putiess tutiess 🫶🏻 when i started this channel, these poems were nothing more than quiet thoughts tucked away in my notebook. sharing them felt like opening a door i wasn't sure anyone would walk through. today, there are 300 of you here. thank you for reading, for staying, and for giving these words a home beyond the pages where they began. 300 may be a number, but to me, it's 300 reasons to keep writing. grateful for everyone of you

hey my dear cutiee putiess tutiess 🫶🏻 when i started this channel, these poems were nothing more than quiet thoughts tucked away in my notebook. sharing them felt like opening a door i wasn't sure anyone would walk through. today, there are 300 of you here. thank you for reading, for staying, and for giving these words a home beyond the pages where they began. 300 may be a number, but to me, it's 300 reasons to keep writing. grateful for everyone of you :)

the rain has stopped, the street is dry, i watch the clouds go drifting by. i found a note you wrote back then, i read it once, then not again. it didn't make my fingers shake, it didn't keep my mind awake. it's strange how quiet things can get, when you no longer mind the debt, or count the things you had to lose, or argue over which to choose. we were a spark, we were a flame, but now it's just a pleasant name. i take my coffee by the glass, and watch the busy people pass. i think of you and hope you're well, with nothing left to fix or tell. we had our summer in the sun, and now that part of life is done. the afternoon is soft and grey, a very normal, steady day. no heavy hearts, no sudden tears, just miles across the changing years. the world is quiet, calm, and free... and i am back to being me.

14-6-2020

is it just me, or does anyone else struggle to reread their own writing? once i’ve poured everything onto a page, i can't seem to look at it again. it’s like i don't have the courage to face the version of me that wrote it.

it is hard to invite a guest into a room you are still building. it is hard to offer a steady light when your own wind is blowing so fierce. choosing this quiet season does not mean you do not believe in love. it means you respect it too much to offer only half of who you are. right now, the fire you tend must be the one inside your own eyes. so let them wonder at your silence. there is a beautiful strength in waiting.. in planting your own roots deep into the earth so that when you finally reach out.. you have a whole world to offer..