𝖴𝗇𝖿𝗈𝗅𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗌 🖤

i am nothing to anyone, and that is my greatest freedom. – franz kafka

😭😭😭

for as long as i can remember, every late night, every goal i chased, and every time i pushed myself past my limits, there was only one reason behind it: my papa. everything i did was an unspoken effort to make him proud, to make sure he looked at my life and felt like every sacrifice he made was worth it. now that he’s no more, the entire foundation of my life feels missing. i sit here and wonder what i’m even running towards anymore. people around me keep saying the usual things- keep going, work harder, make a future, achieve something. but all i want to ask them is, for what? what happens when the only person you were trying so hard to make proud isn’t there at the finish line? what is the point of achieving anything when the eyes you wanted to see it in are gone? i spent so many years becoming someone he could be proud of that i never stopped to figure out who i was on my own. and now i’m standing on a track i don't even care about, exhausted, carrying goals that feel completely hollow without him. i’m just so tired of chasing a finish line that lost its meaning the moment he passed away. i don’t have a new plan, i don’t have a new motivation, and i’m not trying to figure out some big answer for my life right now. i just want the noise to stop. i want to sit down, lay the weight down, and breathe without feeling guilty for not moving forward.

11:11 🥀

i’ve always run away from the things my heart held closest, as if loving them deeply was reason enough to lose them.

current update: i never thought i'd do something like this just to make sure i study. my whole day feels so hectic. i have college from 9 to 5, and on top of that, i spend 30 minutes travelling to college and another 30 minutes coming back. the tiring part isn't even being at college for so long.. it's trying to actually understand everything that's being taught. paying attention in every lecture and processing so much information takes all my mental energy. by the time i get home, i'm completely drained. i don't even feel physically tired; it's just my brain that's exhausted. all i want to do is sleep. and i'm not one of those people who can take a cute little one hour nap and wake up refreshed. if i sleep, it's at least two hours. my body hears "nap" and decides we're sleeping for the next chapter of life. everyone says you need around six to eight hours of sleep to keep your brain healthy, and i completely get that. but then i genuinely wonder... WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO STUDY? i've spent so much time trying to figure out a routine that actually works for me that i unintentionally ended up taking a long break from studying. now my exams are getting closer, and i don't have the luxury of waiting for the "perfect routine" anymore. i just have to make things work somehow. the problem is, after feeling mentally exhausted the entire day, i get sleepy really early at night too. so after overthinking, researching, and analysing every possible option, i've finally decided that i'm going to study late at night, even if it means sacrificing a few hours of sleep. and for that.. i'll need caffeine. not because i suddenly love coffee, not because it's an aesthetic study girl thing, but because i genuinely need something to convince my brain that the day isn't over yet. i honestly wish my motivation alone was enough to keep me awake, but apparently my brain has other plans. so yes.. my academic comeback is officially being sponsored by caffeine. life is actually cooked. 😭

there’s something about this song, isn’t it?

the cold rain beats against the glass, and marks the hours as they pass. it washes down the dirty street, and pools like ice around my feet. there is no light, there is no sound, just water sinking in the ground. i sit alone and watch it fall, and feel like nothing left at all. no hope to hold, no sun to see, just rain that drowns what’s left of me. it keeps on falling, dark and deep, with no more tears for me to weep.

you know, i like observing people more than i like talking about them

i find it interesting how people reveal themselves without realising

not every disappointment changes you.. some just make you quieter

i used to think kindness was enough to trust someone. now i think kindness is just the introduction. i’ve realised that almost everyone knows how to be nice when there's something to gain. a conversation is easy to start when someone needs help, needs answers, or simply needs your presence for a while. the difficult part is staying the same once there's nothing left to take so whenever someone is nice to me now i don't immediately assume the best or the worst. i just let time answer the question my mind has already asked. i’ve stopped looking at how people begin. i’m far more interested in how they continue.

life has it’s own way of humbling you

good morning beautifools 😾🫶🏻

ahhh this songggg!! 😭

okay last one.. react or i’ll assume we’re enemies

react if you’re alive.