Nodira - 101 Ways to Stay Sane

i was slightly worried at first about speaking in pure uzbek without mixing (ik, i’m not proud of this) but the daughters themselves spoke uzbek mixed with russian and english lol. talked for two hours and smth. next destination: having lunch with Jahongir aka himself😌 would be fun no?

had a brunch today with Nigora opa, the wife of Jahongir Ortikxojayev. shortly after two of their daughters joined too - one of them being Zulfiya, founder of Invento. and honestly, the conversation we had turned into smth much more genuine and open than expected. talked about relationships with mothers, fathers, goals, perseverance and many examples from each one’s life. i truly loved listening and talking to Zulfiya opa, such a fresh-minded intelligent person - very frank and blunt despite growing up in such a wealthy setting. plus, very relatable for me on things like studying abroad and how parents see that. glad that there are such female role models like her too. one thing i can say for sure is that indeed, girls who received enough love and attention from their fathers - the main male role model while she grows up - are rarely desperate for male attention later in life. interesting how opportunities come up where you expected the least.

my babe is still here😌

talking about dad do i seem like sm1 whose dad used to be the biggest DJ around as a student, consistently organizing discos for money at uni for a huge crowd of students? yeah. he was that guy. was fun listening to his stories when we came across a mini concert in a park.

recently was talking with dad on this. the higher you aim, the smaller your circle gets. the more you are of an outlier, the more hate you’ll receive. literally, hate. if everyone likes you, you probably are in a safe zone - good enough but not too much to make anyone uncomfortable. maybe not the best position to be at. on the opposite side is some people love you, some people hate you. the traits that some people adore and admire you for may be the exact reason why some others dislike you. some will find you fascinating, others repulsive. do you want the middle of that? you can be more palatable - water down yourself. but eliminating hate also means removing the love of those who are on the same page as you. so why bother? any amount of progress comes with a tradeoff. get used to being disliked. maybe i’ll expand on this with an example later on but i feel too sleepy. night! @summernotes

😌😌😌

my night was fun. started working on a report finalization at 7pm or smth. continued till 10pm. fell asleep for half an hour i think. had an awful headache. diverged attention for some time. then continued to work till 2am. fell asleep with the laptop😭 woke up at 4:30. finished the work at 7am🎉 altho i had to finish that yesterday. at the end, we wrote smth close to a book.. second and third photos are random. no aesthetic arrangements for you, sorry.

if my future husband isn’t gonna treat his children like this, i don’t know why else marry

another point of stability in my life is this huge black cat that sits on this brick pole every morning next to the bus station. and yes, it lets you stroke it too 2nd pic is a screenshot from a KPMG report for a new hospital project - a 300-smth page beauty that i think deserves to be left here too

help it’s over 3:30 and i still can’t fall asleep. just tossing back and forth in my bed i need to wake up early should i read some book?

what will happen if i say no?

one of the best things you can do as a lead in any team is to stay curious about your teammates without assuming. u’ve probably heard of the “4 colors of communication style” - explained in Erikson’s book Surrounded by Idiots. if not, it’s basically: - red (dominant): direct, competitive, results-oriented, likes making decisions quickly and maybe a bit blunt. - yellow (inspiring): enthusiastic, talkative, optimistic and idealistic. - green (stable): calm, patient, supportive, avoids conflict and values harmony and stability. - blue (analytical): precise, detail oriented, logical, perfectionist, risk-averse. while obviously we all are a mix of some of these colors, there’s still a dominant color to be noticed in each person. for me, that would be red as dominant color and yellow as complementary (sometimes blunt and direct, sometimes overly optimistic and enthusiastic). knowing urself isn’t enough tho. knowing others isn’t enough either. what i noticed once in my team is that one side of it wasn’t quite so close with another despite having spent much time studying together before even this project. when we talked about this with each of them, i only heard them labeling the other as either arrogant or naive or cold or simply “not my type of person to talk to.” so why don’t we just stay professional, nodira, without trying to get to know each other so closely? as a lead, you can’t afford to ask such questions. even if ur teammates assume certain things about each other and might find it hard to open up, it’s upon you NOT to assume anything of any side, understand them as if you were them, and do your best to work as a glue in the team. you can’t “choose” whom to talk to, in short - blues, greens, yellows, whatever. i had blues who simply wouldn’t tolerate all other noisy ones. and green ones who would find blues cold. and many other combinations. the concept is simplified, of course. but the point is. you just find a way to work properly with all of them, dropping the personal side of it. and help them communicate with each other, if necessary. @summernotes

today, while passing by the dean’s office, i saw a quote printed on his door saying “Good is the Enemy of Great.” i believe it’s from that book, Good to Great. i haven’t read the book. but i feel like i know the gist of it. the fear of being average might be a real thing, after all. everyone has got different paths for life - and preferences for it - but i truly believe there’s nothing beautiful about being mediocre. not bad. not best. mediocre. it’s that comfortable cozy nice zone where you plateau, satisfied with your level of goodness. you’re good enough. you’re smart enough. you live well enough. life is good. but there’s no hunger for higher. and that’s where a lot of people will aim for and end up being at, right? again, all with different tastes but. it’s better to be bad than average. it’s better to suck at something than be a “not bad” guy. because when you suck - you know it, you might be slightly embarrassed or even ashamed of that fact. which means that there’s at least a tiny hope for fuzz and grittiness and hard work towards better results. when you’re good - you usually stay where you are. because well, why wouldn’t you? we often hear that a deep adversity is often followed by the strongest spur of growth. you get out of the hole stronger, sharper, tougher. and that makes sense. often times it takes one to get to the extreme end point to try to change something. you probably wouldn’t do much if you weighed, say, 5 kilos above your normal body mass. but if you had extra 10 kilos and felt miserable every single day of your life - there would come a point where you know you can’t continue like this anymore. you feel either so disgusted with your current situation (and it’s not even about weight but the misery you experience every day) or so behind everyone else that you know you gotta take some action. not simply daydreaming of getting better. but actually doing something tangible because there’s no other way around - otherwise, you know you’ll hate yourself and your life. food is another huge topic, btw - shifting your relationship, attitude towards it. maybe will talk in full one day about my old not-so-pretty journey. that’s a pity of course, from one side. imagine you are underpaid at your current job. the job itself isn’t perfect - your boss and colleagues annoy you from time to time- but it’s still tolerable. you get paid, at least. but most probably, giving up on this job and moving to somewhere better would be the optimal thing. you’d probably get a higher pay too. chances that you do quit, however, are low. it takes a tipping point - point where you start hating your job - for most people to take some real action. that’s why a lot of people settle. settle for “meh” relationships where a partner isn’t very dedicated or supportive. you can’t imagine how many girls i’ve seen talking about their boyfriends who “just cheated once” or “yeah, he ignores sometimes” or who calls them bad names and they’re perfectly fine with it. or simply, the relationship feels dead. nothing deep, nothing meaningful. just two people wasting each other’s time. like, girl, seriously? isn’t it thousand times better to be on your own, freaking enjoying every bit of your journey towards becoming better, than all this nonsense? you see more and more guys advising each other “don’t waste time now on girls” with such strong conviction? well, i’ll be the one to tell the same to girls: don’t waste time on boys. unless he’s on the same side as you and has the same passion and hunger for his goals - forget it. duh, i had to vent this out, sorry. but good news is, the more aware you become of this, the less bullshit you take from others. tolerance level decreases, in short. have a good night! @summernotes

“would he react the same way if it were a guy who corrected him? maybe not, i don’t know. but i understand how it is for you, and it was difficult for me here at first too in certain situations. sometimes you’ll still be perceived as a bad person even if you try to be nice. so my advice: don’t trigger him. and let him take the next move now as i’ve seen you trying to normalize the atmosphere.” take away: once again, maybe not everyone’s opinions and feelings matter equally? especially if they’re not part of your life anymore. oh, it’s 01:10 good night!

for anyone going through the “shedding” period in their life when you lose friends in batches. they might not be swimming in the same direction as you anymore. you may have absolutely different interests and goals and values in life now. you may have grown out of the old environment so it doesn’t feel fulfilling anymore as even the old conversations don’t bring the same joy. i’ve been going through this lately, quietly terrified of the idea of losing friends. sure, i heard phrases like “people come and go” or “your circle of friends gets smaller and smaller as you grow” around me. but the problem for me was not exactly in circles shrinking or anything - i simply wasn’t comfortable with the void that grew when some leave but new ones don’t appear yet. i still have old good friends with whom we stay friends without necessarily talking every day. but i think i got so much used to expressing all my thoughts, ideas and emotions to one or two close people that their absence was an uncomfortable silence. uncomfortable silence. how comforting it can be actually. when people stop hanging out with so called friends just to kill time. when people stop jumping from one relationship to another just to numb the loneliness instead of looking out for someone who would actually be a good partner for them. when you basically just learn to sit in silence with yourself and focus on what matters the most. and you know what? that gap eventually will get closed. maybe not fully, maybe not now. but you will certainly come across people with a similar drive, with similar goals or simply equal dedication to their work. you’ll find people whom you actually admire and respect. you may become acquaintances, friends, or even good friends. the point is, your circle will adapt to where you are heading. just don’t act on emotions. i’ll give you an example. before, i had some young men around me with whom i was more or less conscious and doubtful about my behavior and words. main concern for them was that i am, well, “too intense.” too demanding. too active. arrogant. insensitive. ego centric. and the list goes on. with them, i was constantly thinking back and forth whether im being kind or nice or humble enough and whether im not hurting anyone’s feelings. and mind you, not all people would say this. only a select group of guys. already hints at something no? as time passed, i got more comfortable in my own skin and mind, and the external noise started to play a much smaller role. i started spending more time with young men who didn’t feel threatened by me but simply supported and encouraged me. but recently during a lecture there was an incident where my groupmate (former teammate for a competition) was describing a story from news to the professor, and while he was speaking i added a small clarification on a detail. it was a discussion environment, not a quizzing session. everyone was adding their parts. but at that point he stopped talking and with such a hurt face told me not to interrupt him anymore. in a rude manner, anyway. told there was no need for me to “correct” anything as he was the one talking. um, man, i wasn’t correcting. just thought we all were discussing? but okay, i tried to ease the situation. didn’t help. instead we both got called out by the professor and were asked to reflect on our behavior and communication issues. i admitted my mistake of assuming that he would react a certain way - the way i would. i never heard anything back from him. after the class the professor asked me to stay. i thought i’d get asked to be more considerate and respectful next time (as she did defend him in the classroom ) but no. instead she told not to pay attention to such incidents at all because “some people get triggered even when you didn’t mean to and did your best to stay nice.” it’s not on you anymore. but then she continued with noticing that in uzbekistan in particular (she is from Turkey) some men still feel threatened by a strong, confident woman.

if there’s anything stable in my life, it’s that one milliy gvardiya guy who every day, without fail, greets me on my way home and tries to spark a short conversation. and me just acting surprised like it’s the first time and keeping walking. consistency level: national security.

it’s close to 3am in the morning, i went to bed at 11pm🙂 why am i still not asleep–and i didn’t even touch my phone. got bored. so will talk. one of the biggest shifts for me recently was on regulating emotions. and no, it’s not simply about being less emotional tho that’s the end goal. several weeks ago i came across what’s known as the Karpman triangle. the idea is that in emotional situations, we fall back to our default settings and stop acting the way we know we should. you might believe you’ve grown up and worked on yourself and achieved a certain level of success which makes you feel good about yourself however you want, but when something as simple as your close person giving more attention to someone else triggers you, you spiral back into old “oh, you don’t care about me? fine, i’ll get stronger, better and higher so one day i’ll be appreciated.” or “they don’t show their care or love to me? fine, i don’t need any of that” and retract, close up and distance yourself from them quietly instead of addressing the issue. somehow, all the progress you’ve made seems to be gone. funny enough, most of these cases will be exaggerated in your mind because the dramatic nature of it comes from your old feelings. old cuts. old pain that you haven’t worked through properly and haven’t learned how to deal with so every time you’re faced with something that resembles it even slightly, you don’t know any better way. but you wouldn’t do that to any person, right? only those that matter the most. indeed, i know i have no problem moving on easily with most people. but people as family and friends may sting for a little longer. but why would it? because you care, obviously, for one. and two, because you had certain expectations. my high school teacher once told me that being hurt actually means that your certain expectations weren’t met. when a classmate behaves like a jerk, you simply call him a jerk and move on cuz you expected nothing better from him. but with family, friends and partners, of course we expect special treatment and care. and it hurts when they fail to give you that. the point is, notice these patterns. next time you feel like you’re behaving like your 8y.o self again, pause and ask yourself why you feel so. is it really about the present or is there a recurring pattern? and once you notice that, you can address it from the core, honest with yourself. you don’t deny nor suppress what you feel tho–that only creates more mess in your mind. you acknowledge what you feel: “okay, i feel jealous that mom treats my brother differently”let’s say. okay. what’s next? does my reaction actually mirror the scale of the current situation? or am i falling into old patterns, the easy habit responses? i love Leila Hormozi’s take on this. when asked what’s emotional maturity, she said along the lines “shrinking the time between emotional reaction (the old pattern) and bouncing back (looking at the present). not dismissing, not being unemotional. simply decreasing the time between acting on emotions and taking the next step. you shorten the cycle. rely on your values more rather than emotions. look at what version you’d respect more if you behaved a certain way. and there you go. more time and energy to focus on more important things😌 good night! @summernotes

moral of the story: take care of your eyesight

2/2 a week or so ago i met a middle aged woman searching for Mirzo Ulugbek District Hokimiyat. 10 years spent in Russia. 12 years in Germany. has no family. her own brother refused to acknowledge her as a sibling. nice to some degree (maybe because i was carrying her bags), but mostly rattling nonstop about how slow and stupid and corrupted uzbeks are (um, we’re both uzbeks here, mam…). one, i felt sorry for her. truly sorry. a person with no home no friends who will have to return to Germany all on her own once she resolves everything here. two, i felt it all was deserved even (tho im in no place to judge given that i listened to her story only for 2 hours). a person full of arrogance and hatred, with a tinge of bitterness all wrapped in confusion. wants to be accepted by europeans whom she deems superior (“they judge only your intellect and speech, never your clothes”) while diminishing her own nation (“my actual name is Ugiloy. I changed it to Dana.”) from what i see, that’s exactly how you end up with nothing. that’s why having a strong foundation and an understanding of who you are is so critical. without self-respect, there’s no way to demand respect externally. why would Europe accept someone who has disowned themselves? try to think of all your acquaintances who left abroad and were ready to adopt the new culture just to forget and hide their own. but what we are seeing could be exactly what we need. especially coming from young people. cultural rehabilitation. sometimes politicized, sometimes clumsy. but still present. @summernotes

1/2 from good news, i got my first acceptance from an international journal. coming from research work. maybe will show later. plus, spent the afternoon today painting the pergola white at home - nice finishing touch before the end of summer. right, from not so good news, my favorite season is over. welcome autumn? it doesn't seem to make any difference anymore. just yesterday was talking with mom about cultural heritage and what it is like to be an uzbek overall. had the same conversation with a guest researcher from Turkey when she asked to have an interview. a nation that forgets its past has no future, quoting Winston Churchill. i believe Islam Karimov had a similar line. indeed, the line extends up to politics to economics to the whole growth of the society. that Turkish researcher described the situation in her country as actually heartbreaking – more and more young people ready to leave the country at any moment, people condemning their own identity instead attempting in vain to imitate Europeans as no one side is going to fully accept those who can’t even accept themselves. but didn’t we have a similar situation in Uzbekistan too only a few years ago? saying that you love Uzbekistan would rather be seen as a joke and likely bring you the not so flattering “patriot” label. the only reaction that you’d get from most people would be complaints – about everything in this country. the only way to make a decent life: get the hell out of this place. oh, and let’s not forget about language. not knowing russian would easily put you in a “not so civilized” category while talking in uzbek at schools was deemed “village-like behavior.” uzbek history classes were avoided like plague (or i was just constantly unlucky with my history teachers). but i had this belief – and still am true to it – that you can’t grow your country if you can’t love it first. people in most developed countries may have their own share of complaints but their level of pride in being the nation they are – smth to learn from, truly. talk to a french person in english, he’ll respond in french. but observe the change. altho perceived as too drastic or unnecessary, the government’s efforts in strengthening the cultural identity of the country paid off in a fine manner. now, not knowing uzbek is a bit of a shame if you’re an uzbek yourself (indeed, why not? i’m actively learning it too ahah). you see more national clothes in modern fashion and more national elements in daily life. or Jadids – a whole different big topic – who once were propagated as extremists and islamists are now the heroes of history who fought for our identity and independence during russian occupation. even during my mom’s school days, Jadids and Amir Temur were taught as evils. i’m glad we have shifted from there. which is not to say we’re all good. no way. but you see more young people trying, studying, working, and having some trust in their own country. now, saying that you are going to study abroad to bring the knowledge and expertise to your country doesn’t sound so annoying anymore.