my safe haven 🤍

his smile is infectious and his presence brightens the darkest days. thoughts of him kept me company in my solitude until i no longer felt alone. guys, i’m in love if you can’t tell and no, i have never spoken a single word with this man but he is so fine. i can’t breathe.

maybe it’s a process, it gets better after it got worse. there are days i want to live and scared of dying and days i want to not do anything with my life thinking i’m a lost cause. either way i think i’m in a better place now, i like to think i do. i feel better the majority of the time compared to when i was a teenager.

maybe i’m just being over critical with you. i know you’ve probably done your best at your own capability. however i can’t say i applaud you for that. cause i’m tired of undoing the trauma you’ve inflicted upon me, to this day i have to unlearn the hatred that you gave.

as much as i want to agree with you that it’s enough, you’re doing everything right and all that you can; you’re not. you could have done so much better. like sending your kids to therapy for all the damage you’ve done or saying sorry for not showing up the way you’re supposed to as a parent.

if one of your kids shows any signs of struggle; like the cuts on their skin or your grades have dropped. you’d probably say something like they just have not prayed enough. or they’re probably just seeking for attention. it’s not real cause you thought by providing basic necessities for children such as food and shelter is enough.

living in a household that does not believe in mental illness can be quite difficult. until one of your family members committed and you finally take cautious act to not go overboard with the punishing. you don’t completely abandon the abuse but rather keep it at the right amount so you can still have some sense of control.

it doesn’t mean anything. stop giving meaning to things to anything that happen. sometimes things happened just because it did. not everything has to have meaning. move on. you’re hurting yourself visiting memories you’ve missed and please let it go. the person you once loved no longer exist and you have to accept that. i know, i understand you will always have a soft spot for him but you can always care for him in a distance. your love doesn’t need to be vocalized in order for it to matter. not in this case. it isn’t love if it keeps hurting you. you have to heal. open your heart for someone new and you can’t keep going back to him. it’s not going to fix anything rather make things worse. you’re on your own and it’s for the better. be better, do better.

i almost texted him for the plot but i didn’t. i still have self control. i can’t be caught crying on my bathroom floor again. i’m fragile.

what does that mean?

chat he unblocked me and put the cat picture i sent him “months ago” as his profile picture.