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445
I don't think we're meant for each other.
But if today you were to call to say that you needed me, I don't think the past would matter much at all. If I could hear your voice shaking, if I could sense there's something wrong, if you needed someone to talk to, I'd be on my way and say it shouldn't take me too long. If you were on the other side of the country, in a completely different state, I'd be looking up flights before you hung up and try, I'd really try to not get there too late. If your text sounded serious, if your voicemail had even just a hint of dread, I'd hit that call back button so fast to hear whatever it is that needs to be said. If you sounded small, quiet, scared, stressed, I'd be the safe space to hear all your secrets confessed. If you were excited but nervous, if the overthinking hit one, if your train of thoughts is doing donuts, just say the word and to you I'd run with whatever it is you needed. Patience, time, courage, safety, your hand held in mine. If I saw your name pop up and I was busy, tired, if you said you felt insecure, I'd remind you you've always been admired. If it's in person and you can't find the words to say how you've been feeling, I'd sit with you in silence until you feel better any day. I'd hold you so gently so as to not break anything more. Then help you see all the times you've come back together even better than before. Because if I could hear it, the sadness in your voice, you'd have about two seconds before I'm all in to help you. That will always be my choice. Because even if I don't think we're right for each other, even if we're never gonna be meant to be, even if we're just friends forever, you still mean so much to me. And if you called and needed somebody, if you were in pain, if you were in fear, of course I would be there. Of course I am here. If you hesitated to tell me, don't hesitate, call. If you think nobody cares, somebody does after all. If you think it's too late, it isn't. I'm still here. A life worth living isn't a life lived in fear. If you're staring at my number wondering who's on the other side of the line, it's still someone who cares about you, thinks of you, as the only correct comparison to sunshine.
445
i never wanted to become this person.
that's the truth.
i never wanted to be this guarded.
this afraid. this difficult. this tired.
sometimes i look at myself
and i don't recognize the person i've become.
and sometimes i do.
which is worse.
but i understand how i got here.
so i don't know where to put the anger,
because i can't hate what saved me, but i can't seem to love it either.
