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🌰 🌬 [she/he/they] Neuro divergent anti social Any questions? https://t.me/BChatBot?start=sc-d7435e0e68
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Channel Posts
| 2 |  +1When did this become a whore house??!
𖣠| @breazelnut | 112 |
| 3 | For the longest time, I thought it meant something was wrong with me. I thought maybe I was a masochist, because I kept fantasising about being physically hurt by someone I loved. Sometimes it was something as specific as having a black eye. But tonight I realised that the pain was never really what I was fantasising about. It was what came after.
As a kid, I think some part of me genuinely believed that there would never be anyone who loved me without also hurting me somehow, and maybe my coping mechanism was to fantasise about what they would do after they hurt me. Because no one ever really regretted hurting me. And I think that's what I wanted!
I wanted to imagine someone hurting me and then looking at me and realizing what they'd done. I wanted to see the regret in their eyes. I wanted them to be horrified that they had caused me pain. I wanted a real apology. I wanted them to become gentle with me. I wanted them to try to make it up to me. I wanted them to care enough that hurting me would actually hurt them too.
And that's why I think the fantasy was always physical. If I had a black eye, everyone would know. There would be no masking it. No pretending I'm fine. No having to explain why something hurt me. No wondering whether someone believed me or thought I was being too sensitive. It would just be there.
Someone could look at me and immediately know: I was hurt. And maybe, deep down, that's what I wanted all along. I wanted my pain to be impossible to hide because I had spent so much of my life learning how to hide it. I wanted someone to finally see it without me having to ask them to. I wanted someone to hurt me and then regret it.
Maybe that's the exact thing I realised tonight. I'm not sure I ever needed someone who would never hurt me. Maybe what I desperately wanted was someone who would hurt me and then show me, unmistakably, that they cared that they had hurt me. Someone who would apologise. Someone who would feel horrible. Someone who would look at me differently because they knew they had caused me pain. Someone who would try to make it right.
Because all I've ever wanted was to feel like my pain mattered enough to someone that they couldn't just walk away from it.
Maybe I'm not fantasising about being hurt. Maybe I'm fantasising about finally being cared for after being hurt. Maybe I'm okay with being hurt. I just want someone to show me that they care about me by regretting it when they do.
And maybe that's why this realization hurts so much. Because I think I've spent so much of my life waiting for someone to regret hurting me. And no one ever did.
𖣠| @breazelnut | #me | 139 |
| 4 | شاید دیلن راست میگفت. شاید گربم منحرفه. توی هر موقعیتی باشم یا روی باسنمه یا جاهایِ بدتر😔 | 155 |
| 5 |  Video message | 156 |
| 6 |  This made me cry😔
𖣠| @breazelnut | 154 |
| 7 | بچهها جدی. این گربهی من صورتش زشت نیست؟ یه طوریه مدل صورتش. شبیه بقیه گربهها نیست. | 155 |
| 8 |  Video message | 172 |
| 9 |  Video message | 171 |
| 10 | فایت کلاب خیلی سکسیه آخههه | 92 |
| 11 |  +1نه جدی کدوم؟ | 92 |
| 12 | حالا از این کت قرمزا از کجا بگیرم براش؟ | 93 |
| 13 | حالا باز خوبه الان اینجا ادمینه یهوقتایی یه حرفهایی میزنه. یهزمانی (اون اوایلِ رابطه) اینقدر اصلاً حضور فیزیکی نداشت؛ دوستان نگران شده بودن، فکر میکردن یه دوستپسر خیالی برای خودم دست و پا کردم.
𖣠| @breazelnut | 93 |
| 14 | چه زشت. | 94 |
| 15 |  No text... | 96 |
| 16 | رونمایی نکردیم؟ | 96 |
| 17 |
هیچوقت قرار نیست از زیدی زونمایی بشه؟ | 96 |
| 18 | زیری که سفید مفید و بور موره رو کت قرمز تنش میکنیم بشه این یارو غیر واقعیه، فرهودو کراوات میزنیم بهش بشه اون یارو متوهمه؛ منم اون خانوم سکسیه میشم😔 | 102 |
| 19 | فرهود هم که اداپت کردم، اگه کایتوم سه نفره پیدا کنم عالی میشه. | 99 |
| 20 | میخوام یکم مامیطور بشم. | 99 |
