Scribbles

All my life I have yearned for something I can not explain (#3) *** "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want..." Psalms 23:1 Shepherd, You who confounds psychologists Granting peace of mind in silence Altering brain waves through faith You who goes against the laws of nature Parting seas for the troubled and parting flesh from the spirit You who defies the laws of Economics Of unlimited demand Lord abundance, Newness of every dawn Increasing marginal returns Inelastic and elastic for eternity You, Lord, Shepherd, Teach me as you taught the psalmist Teach me how to not want. እንቅልፍ እረፍትን ላይገዛ፣ ልብስ ሙቀትን ላይቸር፣ ፍቀር እምነትን ላይወልድ፣ እምነት ፍፁም ላያደርግ፣ ገነት ፍፁም ላይደላ፣ ወይን ጥም ላይቆርጥ፣ ኑሮ ሞልቶ ላይሞላ... Shepherd, What is it like to not want? Is it attainable? Is it something I should strive for? Is it something men want? And would that defeat the purpose? Lord, What is it like to always remain in the herd? To always travel with the flock, To moon walk on water? What is it like to be one of the ninety nine, To focus on the sheep herder instead of the graze, To focus on you instead of the ocean. To focus on you, When fear is between us. When Bathsheba bathes across the street, To focus at all, When the grass seems greener on the other side? ሞልታ ጎዶሎ ጎድላ ድውይ አቁማዳዬ፣ የኔ ሽንቁር ኑሮ፣ የዘውትር እዳዬ... የዘላለም ፈጣሪ፣ I have been romantically involved with tomorrow, But if you see her tell her I have been cheating on her with the day after, Today feels like a broken home, A constant court battle for divorce A constant battle for tomorrow Until tomorrow becomes today. I live more in an idea than your presence I exist on the other side Where the grass is a mirage and the graze an illusion Where the devil is righteous, And pigs take off a runway, Where my hunger doesn't exist Where my thirst doesn't exist Where my lust doesn't exist Where my ambition doesn't exist Where my heart doesn't exist Where nothing does. I live on the other side, Beyond your green pastures Beyond contentment. ነፍሴ መልስ ላታገኝ፣ ልቤ ልትላወስ። ሰማይ የብስ ላትወርድ፣ ምንጭ ሽቅብ ላትፈስ... Lord, የማጣውን ልጣ Teach me the ways of the psalmist Teach me to fill the holes of my cup Teach me to look at the world and see you To not be fazed by the graze To not be fazed by cattle To not be fazed by wisdom To not be fazed by folly Teach me consistency Teach me contentment Break me down and build me up I am yours to fix and restore Lord, የማጣውን ልጣ I don't want to want anymore. የኔ ሽንቁር ኑሮ አቁማዳዬ፣ ዘምቢል እንስራዬ የኔ ሽንቁር ኑሮ፣ የዘውትር እዳዬ። -I shall not want (የዘምቢል እንስራ) @MenAce7

All my life I have yearned for something I can not explain (#2) *** 11,291,040 minutes, That's 63,000 Bollywood movies That's the Harry Potter Universe looped 9500 times That's a lifetime That's forever የት እንገናኝ? መች ይመችሻል? *** I thought I saw you on a pizza box at a park bench facing the ocean I thought I saw you in the eyes of a fisherman in the eyes of a believer or in the fisherman's words when he talked behind God's back. I thought I saw you at a park bench facing the city I thought I saw you rushing through traffic late for a meeting or early for an interview nervous for a date or in your walk of shame I can't tell but I thought I saw you picnicking on the snow or skiing in the Sahara bathing under the sun thirsty on the Nile I think I often see you Do you ever see me? *** 188,184 hours, That's 5 College Degrees That's 2 Trojan wars That's a Third wife for Jacob That's a lifetime That's forever የት እንገናኝ? መች ይምችሻል? *** I thought I saw you sneak around at a sermon or in the scriptures on a chapter and a verse I thought I saw you at the bottom of a bottle in the shadow of death at an herb's high at a house party raided by the police or in the middle of worship as my mother spoke in tongues I see you around My mind plays a trick on me Do you ever see me? *** 7,841 days, That's a thousand Tuesday afternoons That's a thousand Friday nights That's a rollercoaster A lifetime That's forever የት ይመችሻል መች እንገናኝ? *** I thought I saw you the first time my baby niece slept on my shoulder or the first time I saw an open casket I thought I saw you at a child birth or a headstone In a memory or a dream In a prophecy or a eulogy. I thought I heard you in an eloquent speech Or at a funeral when my mother wailed or with my group of friends when we joked around I thought I heard you in laughter When I talked to a girl When the butterflies in my stomach sang tunes I thought I heard you In silence In David's Psalms Or in ያሬድ's ዜማ I thought I heard you in art in poetry. in music. *** 257 ወራት፡ “እንደ ባቲ መንገድ እንደ ወዲያኛው፣ ባ ’መት አንድ ቀን ነው የምትገኚው…” እያሉ ሲያሙሽ እኔም ሰምቼ፣ እቴ አንቺ ሆዬ… ቆምሬ ልውሰድሽ ወይንስ ሰርቼ? እንደ ያዕቆብ እድሜ አስራ'ራት ሰውቼ፣ እንደ ዮሴፍ ጥለት ቀይ ተቀብቼ፣ ለፍቼ… ይባስ ድከም ቢለኝ ተ'አምባሰል ወጥቼ፣ በትዝታ ምናብ ላገኝሽ ጓጉቼ፣ ፈግቼ… የት እንገናኝ የት ይመችሻል፣ የናፈቀሽ ልቤ ዛሬም ይመኝሻል፣ የት እንገናኝ? የት ይመችሻል? *** I thought I saw you on a bank note on a birr or a buck or a yuan I hid under my bed I thought I saw you on green paper on green pastures in you I trust to roam around to make haste to make change you play tricks on the mind. I thought I saw you In this poem In its completion in its ovation in compliments I thought I saw you in trinkets and accolades I have on my desk I thought I saw you in my wit in my humor in my career path in my studies I thought I saw you in the mirror or in the tv screen in all the fancy and the garbage. I thought I saw you, On a pizza box one day, At a park bench facing the ocean, Just like my brother I tend to see magic, But, Do You Ever See Me? *** 21 years That's how long I longed for you. That's how long I looked for you. My lifetime, My forever, የት እንገናኝ? መች ይመችሻል? *** -The Many Faces Of Lady እፎይ @MenAce7

All my life I have yearned for something I can not explain (#1) “በስመ አብ ወወልድ ወመንፈስ ቅዱስ አንድ አምላክ፤ ንጉሠ ነግሥተ ቴዎድሮስ፤ ይድረስ ከእቴጌ የተመኙ ... አሁንም አይዞሽ፣ በእግዚአብሔር ኅይል ዐፈር ካለበስሁ ሳላይሽ አልቀርም። አትባቢ።” -አፄ ቴዎድሮስ፣ መቅደላ ፲፰፻፷ መቅደላ አፋፍ ላይ ጩኸት በረከተ፣ የሌላውን እንጃ የተመኘሽ ሞተ። Sometimes I wonder If God stands between us I wonder if nature herself hates our union At times I doubt if you are real I guess distance blurs reality Distance blurs your beauty and sometimes it magnifies it Sometimes I wonder if you are a part of me My alter ego Maybe that’s why we are never seen in the same room My second skin, My second face, The Clark Kent to my Superman You are my kryptonite A piece of home that haunts me. እቴ የተመኙ ተመኝቼሽ ልሞት ተጠምቼሽ ልደርቅ ፈልጌሽ ልጠፋ፣ እቴ የተመኙ ሀገር ምድሩ ከፋ እቴ የተመኙ እግዜሩም እምቢ አለ፣ ጅማት ትጥቄም ላላ፣ እቴ የተመኙ መጥተሽ አንድ በይኝ ወንጌል ካለሽ መላ። My Kryptonite, my temptation My secret life, my hypocrisy My scandal, my fall from grace My Bathsheba, my mistress I sometimes question if you’re God’s vengeance, My test of faith My character flaw You consume me without a touch Never a touch. እቴ የተመኙ የህልሜ ተዋናይ የኃጥያቴ ምላሸ፣ የቋራው አንበሳሽ፣ ተዋጊው ሹሩቤሽ፣ መቅደላ ላይ ቆሞ ወዴት ነሽ ይልሻል፣ እቴ የተመኙ ሞቶም ይመኝሻል። I will look for you In every hill In every valley In every letter you write me In every love song I hear In every sunrise I see. I will look for you Until God smiles again Until he forgives our union, And I won’t die I won’t die before you’re real I won’t sleep until you’re true Until I dream, A dream of you. እቴ የተመኙ ተመኝቼሽ ልሞት ፈልጌሽ ልጠፋ... -እቴ የተመኙ @MenAce7

“በስመ አብ ወወልድ ወመንፈስ ቅዱስ አንድ አምላክ፤ ንጉሠ ነግሥተ ቴዎድሮስ፤ ይድረስ ከእቴጌ የተመኙ ... አሁንም አይዞሽ፣ በእግዚአብሄር ኅይል ዐፈር ካለበስሁ ሳላይሽ አልቀርም። አትባቢ።” -አፄ ቴዎድሮስ፣ መቅደላ ፲፰፻፷ መቅደላ አፋፍ ላይ ጩኸት በረከተ፣ የሌላውን እንጃ የተመኘሽ ሞተ። Sometimes I wonder If God stands between us Sometimes I wonder if nature herself hates our union At times I doubt if you are real Are you real? I guess distance blurs reality Distance blurs your beauty Sometimes it magnifies it Sometimes I wonder if you are a part of me My alter ego Maybe that’s why we are never seen in the same room My second skin, My second face, The Clark Kent to my Superman You are my kryptonite A piece of home that haunts me እቴ የተመኙ ተመኝቼሽ ልሞት ተጠምቼሽ ልደርቅ ፈልጌሽ ልጠፋ እቴ የተመኙ ሀገር ምድሩ ከፋ እቴ የተመኙ እግዜሩም እምቢ አለ ጅማት ትጥቄም ላላ እቴ የተመኙ መጥተሽ አንድ በይኝ ወንጌል ካለሽ መላ My Kryptonite, my temptation My secret life, my hypocrisy My scandal, my fall from grace My Bathsheba, my mistress I sometimes question if you’re God’s vengeance, My test of faith My character flaw You consume me without a touch Never a touch እቴ የተመኙ የህልሜ ተዋናይ የኃጥያቴ ምላሸ የቋራው አንበሳሽ ተዋጊው ሹሩቤሽ መቅደላ ላይ ቆሞ ወዴት ነሽ ይልሻል እቴ የተመኙ ሞቶም ይመኝሻል I will look for you In every hill In every valley In every letter you write me In every love song I hear In every sunrise I see I will look for you Until God smiles again Until he forgives our union And I won’t die I won’t die before you’re real I won’t sleep until you’re true Until I dream A dream of you እቴ የተመኙ ተመኝቼሽ ልሞት ፈልጌሽ ልጠፋ... -እቴ የተመኙ

“Death sounds like the words I can't pronounce when I read. And the words I can't spell when I write so I leave space for it. I tell myself I'll come back to revisit it. (I don't ever go back looking for it.)” *** Death looks a lot like a Tuesday Afternoon. Death feels like getting punched in the face. A sudden confusion as something cracks, A moment’s darkness as blood rushes to the skin, Sweet paralysis as the world spins in search of an orbit. Death feels like the first time you got punched in the face. You find that your self defense instructor lied about the experience, You see people gawk and murmur: “That’s tough” “Wouldn’t wanna be him” “Nah he just overreacting” “I wouldn’t just stand and take it, why isn’t he throwing one back? Such a man.” You hear them, Call out your misfortune, Call their friends to watch, Call an ambulance, Or call you names; Ranging from a house-pet to genitalia, But it feels all the same. Death feels like getting punched in the face. Busted skin vaseline can’t fix, A ring in the ear that sounds a lot like a dying cassette tape, Tears that showed up to the party uninvited, A face that stands out with black and blue. A sudden confusion, A moment’s darkness, Then comes the pain. -መርዶ እና ቡጢ… (something from the notepad #25) @MenAce7

Alright take 11... I was Baldwin when I lost my first tooth I was Mulatu with my nursery rhymes I was Michael Angelo when I was seven Had the Midas' touch with David's tone Had Da Vinci's brush with Poe's typewriter I was art I was an artist Then I grew up. A decade ago I could probably trace the Mona Lisa at recess, Launch a gallery on a weekend Put out an album on a Thursday A decade ago Not so long ago I was an artist To an audience To their expectations I was good for my age I filled their cup I quenched their thirst Then I grew up. I grew up Perception killed my façade My Mona Lisa grew a frown My lines got crooked Portraits morphed to stick figures My album made ears bleed My poems remain locked away My blue moon: a daily occurrence. I grew up As did my audience As did their expectations Mediocre for my age An easy target for my peers I was wonder I was art Then I grew up. The kid that never learned to grow up Was born an artist Funny how things change in a flash; Because there was a time I was good at life, But then I grew up. -Flash Missing. Vanishes In Crisis. | April 25, 2024 @MenAce7

እፉዬ ገላ፣ የአብሽ ገለባ፣ ሜዳ ነው ብዬ፣ ገደል ስገባ... *** Did you know that in the land of the "free" around 12,000 people die every year because of stairway accidents. Crazy right? Now just imagine how many souls stairs snatched in our እናት ሀገር I ponder everyday, Ever since that day; Life happened that night; Stairs happened to me; It did not take my life, But kill me, it did. *** Maybe you were late for a class, Perhaps practicing your lines, Your lies, Something about traffic, Something about the rain, Maybe you ignored the wet floor sign, Maybe there was no caution, Maybe God heard your fabrications; He punished you, Maybe the devil decided to give you an actual reason; You slipped, Cracked your skull, Maybe you died, Or even worse, Maybe you lived. Maybe you were chasing the ክራር at ሰባ ድረጃ; Maybe you were trying to sneak through her window, Up the fire-escape, Maybe her father saw you, He started a fire, You slipped on the way down, Maybe you died for love, Or even worse, Maybe she moved away. Maybe you were like me. Maybe you were running down the stairs, Excited to see the gifts your dad brought from a trip. Maybe you ignored your mom throwing caution to the wind, Maybe the wind tugged on you that night, Maybe you were too quick on your feet. Maybe you were like me. Maybe you contemplate on everything that went wrong that day; Maybe you saw your father's smile fade, As you fell, Maybe you realized you doomed yourself for sweets. Maybe you lost your legs that night, Or even worse, Maybe you traded them for wheels. እፉዬ ገላ፣ እግሬ ገለባ... *** Mother, I wish you could have seen me on a podium, I wish you could have pictures to hang up in the living room, I wish I wasn't a waste of labor, I wish I had a spotlight, I wish I had a shadow of a man. I gaze from the audience, But your son's name is never in lights, The stage is a climb, And I can't take wheels to a hike. *** እፉዬ ገላ፣ የአብሽ ገለባ፣ የብስ ላይ ሆኜ፣ ገደል ስገባ... እማ: መጀመሪያ ፈጥሮኝ፣ ከሰው ዘር ቀድሜ፣ ተጓዥ አርጎ ፈጥሮኝ፣ መድረስ ሆኖ እዳዬ፣ በምን አቅሜ ልዳህ፣ ሯጭ ሀገር በቅዬ? *** Mother, I am at race with the city, And the mass passes me by every morning. Your people despise half men like me, If I had a penny for every time a person handed me a penny at a bus stop, I would have bought a car. Maybe then I would have a fighting chance, Maybe then I would be ahead for once. *** እፉዬ ገላ፣ የአብሽ ገለባ፣ ሜዳ ነው ብዬ፣ ገደል ስገባ... *** Daughter, (Voicemail) I am sorry I missed your talent show. I had things come up at work… You know how things are... Your dad can't lose his office job, It is the only job he can do, Thank God for chairs for me. I know it is hard to understand, But promise…I will make it next time. Know that I love you… Forever. *** Daughter, Maybe when you grow up; Perhaps on my death bed I will tell you the truth. I was there at your talent show, I showed up; Way too early, Way too excited, To see you sing and shine, To shake hands with your judges, To protest loud if you got second place. I showed up, With a smile that only you can paint. I showed up, To my worst nightmare, To meet my nemesis at your door; To see my lifelong enemy, The one that took my father's grin, Stole my smile from me. I showed up, and I stayed; Outside your door, Too embarrassed to ask for help, Too helpless to try myself, Barred from heaven's gate; I wept, As you sang and as the audience cheered. I wept. I cried myself to sleep that night, I cursed the night I lost my legs, I showed up. Does that matter to you? Daughter, How does it feel to hold a wheelchair handle instead of my hands? How does it feel to dance with wheels at your wedding? How does it feel to have an unfair advantage in hide and seek? How does it feel, To love a cripple? Daughter, Sometimes I wonder; Maybe in my past life, I was butterfly who broke free from a cocoon. Maybe I was a bird, Roaming in the world. Maybe I was free, Maybe I sprinted for fun, Maybe I swam in the sea, Maybe you had a man for a father, Maybe you sang in stages, Maybe I saw you. Maybe my past life, Was too good to be true; Maybe I had it all, Maybe I was a... -እፉዬ ገላ @MenAce7

Four shots is what you get after committing murder. You’ll have four bullets in the magazine when you stand on trial with your victim, Face to face to justify your actions; Aim for the head to form an alibi. Four bullets decide your fate to Four bullets to crawl out of this. *** Bullet one: You deserve this, Your death was a mere reflection of your own choices, And my decision was a natural reaction. A phenomenon: Like when the sun decides to bleed an eclipse once in a while; It is unwise to look at the sun when it burns in fury, You should have seen this coming. You deserve this, You deserve my disproportionate retaliation, My utmost greed, My hateful indifference, My sharp words, My lost temper, You deserve it all; You were weak, You should have been harder to kill. (Misfire) *** Bullet Two: I had to kill you, In order to survive. At least that’s what I tell myself when I go to bed; Convincing myself that days begin because of your blood. I had to kill you. It was self defense of sorts; It was to protect my comfort and luxury, Perhaps to eat more than I can chew, Perhaps to take the jewelry from your corpse, Perhaps for money, Perhaps for benefits, I had to kill you; I had to live. (Misfire) *** Bullet Three: I’m running out of bullets, And I see my red everywhere I look. It seems an alibi is the hardest lie to form, Even for a poet like me. I’m on the last chapter of my excuses, And this chapter titles itself: “Sorry”. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took that stone and bashed your head until your blood screamed to the heavens, I’m sorry that I took A mother’s son, A father’s pride, A brother. I’m sorry. About the way you served God and the way it made me stray away, I’m sorry you got a psychopath for a brother. I’m sorry to have forgotten you; I’m sorry that I moved on. I stopped running around the field we used to play in, The grass is stained with blood. (Misfire) *** Bullet Four: I am down to my last bullet. My excuses die with you, My apologies hang in the air; My redemption lightyears away. So with this last shot, I’ll defend my character, -I promise I’m not a killer; you just caught me at the wrong time. (Misfire) @MenAce7

*....but when it's all said and done and I finally cease to exist may my eulogy tells a story of how much I loved how much I love you.* Dear someone, call me Judas for I, too, walk among brothers and I don't really belong. For I, too, hold this previlege of being chosen to be a part of something great but I stand at the back of the line, and I watch as they do. But may this never be a reflection of how I love how much I love you. Dear someone, there is darkness in the corner of my room and I pretend it doesn't exist but every time night changes to day and the years go by I feel it getting bigger. Sometimes it seeps into my pen and freezes my ink. And I think about seizing the goddamned thing to bring it to justice calling out to ጥበብ "Look! It's not me that's driving you away it's this thing from the corner!" But I don't. Instead I turn my back and just - sleep. I bet you didn't know ጥበብ leaves until she does and holding the pen is a foreign thing. And call me Judas though I huff and puff and say that she didn't find me enough she didn't love me I have betrayed and left her for the boy that loves me. Loved me. Dear someone, there's a stack of books on a shelf to the left side of my bed but I don't own any of them. I don't have the books the man that taught me words gave me either. I bet you didn't know love leaves until it does and you struggle to remember. But when it's all said and done and the end is finally here may the words I left come back to me and tell it like it is. May they speak, how I much I smiled in your presence and how much I talked about you in your absence. And ጥበብ አትቀየመኝ for all the times I chose not to write when I was happy because I didn't want to share you with her. May she not question, but only talk and when she does, may she talks about you when in my hand, may she paint you colors and do all the things I have forgotten how to. Because dear someone, there's a table inside my room and it is full of scattered papers, but there's no pen accompanying it, so I can't write and remember. And I can't face art and call her to ask her to please take me for I, too, first left her for the boy that loved me. But if she comes back may she tell you, that I did not just pack up on a random night and decide to leave you. May ጥበብ tell you I left her the same way I left you. Bit by bit, with nightmares and sleepless nights that when the day finally came I gave her a kiss and a hug. And call me Judas, for I, too, would hang myself እሷ ሳትደርስ ቀድሜያት እንድገኝ among with all the other lost souls when she picks them እንድትሰበስበኝ Because when it's all said and done and I finally cease to exist I want my eulogy to tell a story I want my eulogy to read "Here lies somebody that loved somebody that lived." Oh! May ጥበብ tell you in all the words I have told and twisted there existed some truth. And if she never comes back to me but just in case she goes to you may you stand at my funeral for her to say out loud, I have in fact loved you. May she be kind and may she tell you a story of how much you were loved and how much you loved me. Oh. When it's all said and done and I finally cease to exist may ጥበብ be so generous to you to remind you what I forget. May she spot you on a black Tuesday and put a smile as she understands, how to be loved liked that might make you run away from art. #RANDOM_THOUGHTS

ልመርቅሽ (ካልዕ): May you find pearls in a snow storm, May the storm rush to your house burning out, May you find a spark when it’s dark, May the lights go out when you’re sick, May all things work together For you. May you like what you have: May you fight for what you don’t, May you win your battles; May you find grace in your losses, May you be a symbol, May you see your parents proud; May you pay them back your debts I pray the money doesn’t faze you; I pray you find the strength to burn cash to keep your kids warm, I pray you pray for the little ones May you show mercy and rage, May you love, May you mother. ፍቅርሽ እንደ እሳት፣ እሳት እንደ አበባ፣ አበባሽ ከዝናብ፣ ዝናቡ ከክረምት፣ ክረምትሽ ከበጋ፣ ይሁን። May you glide through the seasons in style, May your fall seven times; May you rise up eight, May you cry a night, May you smile a week, May you go through the ups; May you stumble through the lows, May you experience it all before it ends. እንዲህ ልመርቅሽ፡ ሀይልን ከኃይለኛው ብርታትን ከብርቱ፤ ፍቅርን ከታረደው፣ ፍቅር ከሆነው፣ ከእርሱ ተማሪ። Jabaadhu! @MenAce7