Benjamin Zulu Global

If you're the kind of person who doesn't fall in love often -as opposed to some of your colleagues who have a new crush every week - when you do finally fall in love it can be a difficult thing to deal with. Especially because you always insist on a wide variety of parameters to be in place before you can like someone. And you're not a perfectionist or 'too high minded' as some people have accused you. You're just more in tune with yourself and what will work for you. And seeing as you're such an intense person because you bring all of yourself to everything you do, you're just naturally more careful. With this kind of love where you deeply feel and commit, you're aware that you cannot attach and detach from many people. You're not guarded or avoidant, you're just careful and awake to your inner self. But then there's another problem. You've not found too many people of your kind. You usuall go for long periods without meeting any. And when you do meet one, they're usually the wrong kind to have. A charming and widely read lady but one with a strong alcoholic streak. A relatable and resourceful guy, who is warm and easy to be with but one who has a string of babymamas. Others are married philanderers who are looking for someone to fool around with. And it gets frustrating when someone awakens things in you that you had out in long sleep only to leave you struggling to put them to sleep again. You're slowly sinking into resignation about ever finding a lover. So what's going on? You've simply fallen into the thinking that marriage is determined by fate. You keep waiting for your partner to somehow cross your path while you're only half involved in the search. The truth is that your marriage will only happen when you move it from fate to effort and strategy. When you package it like a project and go aftwr it. When you come up with ways to search consciously and step up on the romantic podium of your day and mingle with other seekers. The strategies change with circumstances but they all involve putting on romantic energy in form of your dressing, opening up your life to be visible by outside seekers, and entering groups where people like you frequent. Without this approach yours will be the sorry tale of that wonderful person who was 'just never lucky in relationships.' When you want quality anything you can't depend on luck or fate. You must employ tact and work. Good luck.

If you marry someone who has a wonderful personality but you don't really feel them you'll be walking into a deep dilemma that may haunt you for many years. Why? Because it's easier to leave a bad person than it is to leave a good person. Nobody will support your suggestion to leave such a nice person and a neat marriage just because you're not really happy. And when you suggest a breakup to the person, they will pledge to change anything for the sake of keeping you because they really love you. And that's the worst dilemma to ever be in. The person loves you deeply but you don't. Perhaps you had fallen for the misleading notion to 'marry someone who loves you more than you love them.' It made you commit where there's no chemistry. Or you dated when you were afraid of being vulnerable, so you settled for someone who was asking for nothing but just permission to love you. Eventually you'll get tired and your hunger for intensity and genuine passion will make you start doing bad things to induce breakup. You may cheat and make sure they know it, but then they forgive you and you watch them suffer. You feel horrible. Eventually life passes by and you settle unsatisfied. Or they come to realise that you merely rode on their love and you never really loved them. Solution? Be honest with yourself whe you meet adorable people but with whom you feel no deep connection. Tell them so and cut off the communication. Remember your reluctance can register like a challenge to them and they end up trying harder to win them, especially if the lover is the man. Some men cannot accept an honest turn down from a woman. They think by trying harder they can persuade her.

Do not only date a person in isolation. After knowing the person just the two of you, accompany them to an event where there are other people. You can learn a lot by watching a person in social setting. Are they kind to other people even as they're being super nice to you? What opinions are they voicing about different subjects in discussion there? Even if they're naturally introverted and reserved, the more important to know whether they have developed the capacity to connect with people or they get moody and avoidant in every social setting. This can be a thorn in your flesh if you marry them unawares. Once more, the most important thing about the person you're dating is not their physical bauty or their money. It's their mind. Their attitudes and way they view the world is what will make or break your union. Make sure you observe their mindsets in real life.

Sometimes a lady will unconsciously decide to get a child after experiencing a series of disappoints in relationships, hoping that the child will finally give them unconditional love. She has fun at it while the baby is little but after becoming autonomous and developing their own personality, a very damaging struggle begins. The child needs the mother's validation but the mother is instead depending on the child for the validation. As a result, the child becomes conditioned to play emotional caregiver to the mother and to put her needs first. This prepares them to develop the worst forms of codependency. They subconsciously gravitate towards the troubled and they end up with narcissists and other users. This is the essence of mother wound. It results when a mother projects onto her children her own unhealed wounds. It's one of the worst forms of psychological damage. To avoid causing it to your children, stop getting children because you're frustrated with relationships. You will still transfer your need for love onto that child and start saying twisted things like 'I asked God for a man who will always love me and he gave me my son.' That's a child my friend, not a man. And he may not grow to like you so much, especially if you remain this needy and emotionally demanding of him. What you need is healing first, not a child.

The biggest turn on in your marriage is confidence, and the biggest turn off is conflict. The commitment between the two of you may be constant, but you must not mistake this with desire. Your vows form the infrastructure on which your marriage sits, but it's desire that brings life to the setup. What's the point of having a strong house that's cold and uninhabitable? Stop resting on your partner's commitment and move on to building desire. How to do this? Do more of the things that awaken your energy and make you beam. This is what makes them feel so proud of you and feel a twinge of jealousy when others admire your achievements. So their attraction to you awakens and they fall a little bit in love with you again. If they're also doing the same on their end, this rhythm builds positive tension and energy levels between you, and this is what keeps your fire burning. In short, get into your element and do not allow your personal spark to dim. That's what makes your romantic spark to remain alive. Keep doing your thing and shining. Your radiance is very seductive to your partner. And remember to include them in your peak moments through phone calls and voice notes during your day. Do not get back to them only when you're done and dead tired. Allow them a glimpse of you when you're performing, and get to see them in their day too. This inclusion not only increases their feeling of being special to you, it also allows them a chance to celebrate and appreciate your incremental achievements and how you tackle problems with determination. When your partner can't see you, soon they won't feel you either. Maintain an eye angle for each other.

There are many stuck in the wrong path now because they're staked their lives on the hope that the person they're with will change and behave right. You'll experience a great awakening when you realize that not everybody changes. Some people just never grow. And that's their path of choice. It's not your place to try and fix them. The best assumption to make about people as you decide whether to be with them is that they won't change. If then you discover that you cannot live with them as they are now, it means they're incompatible. Just because you've changed yourself doesn't mean other people are also trying to change.

Sometimes you may think you're still in love with a past lover because you get these moments of longing for them and wishing things didn't end up this way. Too often though, it's not the person you're missing but the potential you had together, the places you could have gone with them, the opportunities you missed. The dreams you had nursed for a life with them are taking long to die. And this because you had pictured and envisioned them over and over with strong hopes and emotions and so they got etched deep into your mind. But it doesn't mean you've not moved on. Every time the thoughts come you're to acknowledge them and nod, and then release them. Don't deny them or fear that you're relapsing. The curve of healing takes time and it's never a straight line.

Solomon had a thousand women but no real companion, no soulmate. And for lacking the accountability of a woman who could tame his excesses he deteriorated in his personal life and his leadership. When you have multiple women none of them feels the need to watch over your wellbeing, to pray over you and advice you. Instead they begin to compete for your attention and you suffer in the middle. There cannot be true love or trust in a union of more than two people. Love is territorial and jealous by nature. Tame your greed and agree with God's order if you want peace in your life.

God doesn't recognise boyfriend girlfriend relationships. At least not in the manner in which they exist today where people have given themselves the permission to engage sexually. According to the Bible you're either single, engaged or married. And sex is only permitted inside marriage. These other arrangements where people become lovers and start having sex or living together is fornication in God's view. If you call yourself a Christian that is. It's okay to live how you want because it's your life, only don't drag the name of God or Christianity into it. God doesn't force people to become his children, but if you choose to become his child you must follow his rules. People are calling themselves gospel artists and Christians but they're living together when they're not married. They're using their influence to misrepresent the gospel and mislead people. God has no exemptions for the so called celebrities and in fact their punishment will be the more severe because of misleading many people. If you come to him you must submit like a child and follow his word, or else you're only attracting punishments for mocking his word. It's better to make it clear that you only sing gospel songs and you don't live a Christian life. 'But among you there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity... because these are improper for Gods holy people.' (Ephesians 5:3) Those who question whether we should 'judge' other people's conduct should know that the same Bible tells us to 'test every spirit, cling on to what is true, and to abhor what is evil.' (1 Thessalonians 5:21) What about universal human weaknesses? When you become a child of God he helps you to overcome every weakness you were struggling with before. You must cooperate for the transformation. But there's a difference between human weaknesses and willful sin. If you enter sinful associations knowing that God is against it that's not a weakness but a conscious decision. You cannot sanitize sexual sin by saying 'we're in a serious relationship,' or 'we're planning on getting married.' If you have the Spirit of God, you also know it's wrong. Even if you try to be defensive and tell people not to confront you with the error of your ways, or not to 'judge you'' as rebellious people put it, your own conscience convicts you.

Do not get intimidated if you find that a lady you're interested in has a well furnished house, or she has a small but well-kept house in the standards of her current income. Instead, be very encouraged because that's a perfect picture of her mindset and her standards. Those are the signs of a queen brother. That's what you need. Don't be foolishly scared of the very woman who can build you a kingly home. Just weigh what she's earning versus what she has bought for her house and see how prudent she is with money. Of course she could also be supporting her family at home and other expenses, but the state of where she stays is a depiction of how she views herself. When I visited my wife the first time in the company of my friend she was living in a small single unit. It was the only type available in the small market near the school where she was teaching. It was the type of room where you can fit only a bed, a small table, and two chairs which you remove after the guests leave. But the room was so clean, the choice of colors was elegant and most importantly, there was a TV which in my estimation was more than twice her salary. Meaning she had saved patiently until she bought it. I was sold. By the way brothers, do yourself a favor and never marry a dirty or messy woman. If she's insensitive or caress with hygiene no matter how beautiful she is one day you'll get fed up with everything about her. From her food to her mannerisms and that will be the end of your connection. It's a terrible place to be and you're better advised to check this detail early. In sum, this is the quickest way to gauge the personal standards and the capacity of a woman - whether she is the queen type with whom you can build a mansion and an empire, or she's the careless type who will make you loathe coming home. Check what she wears and where she lives vis-a-vis what she earns. I know men are easily carried away by the type of body a woman has, so that if she has a generous 'sitting allowance' or a skin tone he likes he won't notice anything else about her. Be wise and check how that body is dressed and maintained, because that level of attentiveness is what she will bring to your home. Do people grow and change? Of course they do, but you must be able to see signs of responsibility and attentiveness from the word go. People only grow in the direction of their attitude and personality. Is hygiene important for men to have as well? Of course, very much so. But in this article we're focusing on the woman as the homemaker.

Don't get so used to always being strong and struggling that when you enter a place of ofteness and care you resist it. When you stay in chaos too long peace can feel unreal, like a set up. You can grow so accustomed to difficult relationships where nothing came for free until when someone tries to cherish you just for who you are, you disbelieve it. You think they're after something or that you're being put under obligation. If you've always been the giver, the responsible one, the caregiver, accepting love can be a struggle at first because it's a new experience. But if you don't learn and make the switch you'll end up marrying takers and users because that's what you're familiar with. But in the end you'll get depleted for lack of support and the world won't know why you're collapsing when you appear to be happily married. Yet the truth is that yoy were so used to giving and never receiving that you unknowingly married in that same energy.

Most people only miss you when they fail at replacing you. And you keep going back to them because you want to believe the lies and you prefer the momentary thrills of what you get to do together as opposed to the fulfilment of building a meaningful life. You're addicted to the occasional euphoria of going back to things you know to be wrong for you. On-and-off relationships are a proof of being stuck in an addictive cycle where you're willingly wasting your life away in exchange for an occasional shot of dopamine. Some people are hung up on meth, and others are hung up on their exes. They're all wasting their life, and health, away in the addictions and in need of urgent rescue. But society only helps the first group. So dear ex-lover addict, save thyself.

The average seeker will need to check out at least ten promising people before they find their match. You cannot be having sex with all these people unless you're insane. So those people, especially ladies, who come complaining about the struggles and disappointments they're having with a man they're already pregnant for, give us a break. That man is not the problem; he's just living his life. Your lack of discipline to keep your clothes on as you tour the market is the problem. You don't mix feelings with critical decisions of life like that. If you can't even imagine sleeping with land dealers or car sellers when you're trying to purchase one, why don't you think of procuring marriage the same way? A quich reminder for ladies about us men: the men who are serious about marrying you are focused on marrying you, not laying you. Anytime a man's eyes are on taking you to bed, that's not the kind of man that gets married. He's already showing you that he's not capable of delayed gratification and faithfulness. What other sign do you want? Must you be left with a child then you put your heads on your head to scream? Remember one week of caution can spare you a year of repair. Observe, don't indulge. If a man doesn't respect you enough to follow due process to get you, why are you even stooping low for them? That's just a 'smasher' posing as a husband material to get you. And even if you corner him for marriage with the baby he'll continue philandering because that's his life and you even validated it by participating in it. Yes, even if you were a virgin up to that point. You still rubber stamped infidelity to marriage by doing 'it' outside marriage. Of course there are ladies who themselves lead the man astray by initiating sex in a way he cannot resist. She wants to 'check him out,' the 'size of his equipment' and all that. Brother, whether or not you pass her wicked test, leave. How many other men has she 'checked' and how many more will she do even if you marry her? The moment a woman has no respect for her sexuality you can never be safe with her. Remember women keep secrets a hundred times better than men and you'll never be sure whether your children are yours. Is that the kind of stress you want? In fact the best psychological remedy to put the right foundation is to break off immediately you find yourself having crossed boundaries with someone. You will never trust each other again, and the gnawing doubts of what they could be doing out there will torment you because you saw their potential. And you lost moral authority to question it by participating in it. In summary, control your urges when you come to mate search. Study the character of people with hands off, so that you can move on easily and quietly once someone fails the test.

You get friendzoned when the romantic tension between you and the other person flattens. This happens because you mismanaged the connection. You allowed them to tell you things like 'You're just like a brother/sister to me. Whoever will marry you will be lucky.' Or you allowed them to borrow money from you, especially so early into knowing each other. Or you joined the conversation about other suitors in their life and how to handle them. Friendzone happens because of familiarity and it's the most painful thing because it means you have all the access to someone you really wanted and yet you cannot make them your own. How to avoid this horrible mistake? Plan your entry and exit into and out of the person's life. Do not stay indefinitely and do not mistake crowding their space with making an impact. You're coming into their life for an audition - also called talking stage - and once auditions are over and you've not been selected you must exit. Sometimes you need to step back to allow them the space to make a judgement as opposed to sitting there when the conversations of the audition stage have run their course. Never be too available as to suffocate your target. You should appear to have a life other than just dating. Secondly, speak your mind courageously if you're the guy. The worst you can hear is a no, and it won't kill you. It'll only give you a clearance to move on. For the lady, show your interest distinctly. Be available to him, be charming and throw in a gift here and a surprise there. If he doesn't respond, he's not interested. Never declare love directly. It puts you on the leadership of the relationship and that's a reversed role. Men chase, they don't know how to be chased. Also, he may not say no due to pity but still he doesn't love you. What follows is awkwardness. Do not fear that unless you attack the man with direct love proposal you'll 'lose an opportunity.' A seeking man doesn't need you to do all that much. Just being in his space is enough. You only need to catch his attention and no more. Never goof by allowing sexual activity of any kind. It ruins the tension and brings guilt. If it ever happens, disappear at once. Always be ready to let go and never appear to be obsessed. This is a strong turn off. Lastly, do not allow to be parked for speculation. Some people like you but not strongly enough to commit. You should not stay through their indecisiveness. If they act hot today and cold tomorrow, leave at once. Otherwise if you string along you'll be assumed and taken for granted. Another onset of friendzone.

Sometimes you'll find yourself stuck between an intense need to talk to a person and the desire to get over them. They have been inconsistent in their relationship with you. At one time they talk to you like you're something special to them, like you mean everything to them and the next day they ignore you like you don't exist. One moment you're friends, another moment you're more than friends, and then suddenly you become strangers, and the cycle soon starts again when they return with a lot of warmth and 'missing you.' What's happening? They're messing up with your feelings because they're unsure about their own. They like the idea of being with you but they just can't pay the cost yet. Solution? Get out of their dizzying orbit. Stop nursing false hopes and count the cost of the repeated disappointments and the heartaches they have brought you. Take back your feeling and move on.

You can have a wonderful love story with a person who you cannot have a life story with. You connect naturally and your energies complement so well, but they're not the kind of person you would build with, go into life with, or rhyme with for the long haul. Why is this? Because falling in love is in the realm of feelings and vibrational resonance in thought, while doing life together is in the realm of values and preparedness. Sometimes your desire burns for people who are just too different from you in that they don't want the same things in life like you. You come from too wide clusters of life and your trajectories for future are incompatible. But still, in their presence you get transported to a different experience and you feel enlarged. Solution? This is a real problem that you must curb early the moment you identify it. You must distance yourself immediately or else you'll be caught in the vicious, time consuming cyles of succumbing to your feelings, going away and coming back again. Just accept that some people will feel good to your nervous system but they're not aligned with where you're going. Then cut that thing before it grows into a full blown situation and addiction, eventually wasting your time and making you miss out on better potential partners.

Those ladies begging for men to pay tickets for you, stop it. I don't particularly enjoy the company of idiots. The best way to benefit from something is to pay for it yourself. That way your whole being will be engaged because your money went into it. If someone else decides to surprise you with the ticket, let it be their initiative. Otherwise begging only makes you appear cheap. Furthermore, if a man gives you the ticket what will you give back? Every time you ask for favors like that you invite barter trade. The mark of integrity is, in the words of Robert Greene, 'to despise the free lunch.' Somone may sponsor you to the event and then they don't want you talking to anyone else. After all, you're there on their account. Integrity is costly because you need to pay for your own freedom and refuse any gifts with ulterior motives. Get your own money, however small, and protect yourself from traps. Lastly, a man cannot respect a 'give me' kind of woman. Remember men's language of love is respect. It's when you challenge him that his juices start running. And you can only challenge when you're dignified and self reliant.

You job as a partner is to make sure your partner does not need another person. That is, that their needs are not going unmet. And of course we're referring to needs, not greed. Everyone must manage their greed or tendency to lust for what's out of bounds by themselves. But marital needs must be met by each other. If someone puts you on a dry spell for longer than the usual period sexually, you have the right to ask them irrespective of whether you're the man or the woman. It doesn't make you demanding or 'too much into sex.' If they ignore or trivialise it, they're insinuating that you can no longer count on them and it's time to ask them if they still wish to continue with the marriage. And if yes, how they suggest you meet your needs. Never stay with a counterfeit partner who takes up the place of your partner but doesn't perform the duties.

Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win. Getting ahead of yourself will only prolong and complicate your journey. I'm meeting ladies at 25 and 26 who are already divorced and shattered. The results of ignoring time and rushing. At the time when they should be starting they're quitting. In their youthful naivety and impatience they dashed forward and headlong into emotional slaughter houses. They allowed their imaginations to see things that were not there and their feet to carry them inro paths they should never have trod. In the end their destiny is compromised because they're kept busy managing problems they could have avoided if only they understood the times. Even if you don't know your calling or you have no clear picture of your future, at least understand your times. Turn down invitations even if they're enticing just because you know it's not yet time. You will be preserved by this knowledge or you'll perish for the lack of it. The law is timeless and definitive.