Benjamin Zulu Global

A good marriage is not made up of one strong person being supported by the other, or even two strong people who are always out in front. It's made of two people who take turns at being strong for each other when one is weak or down. No one is strong all the time, but as a team they cover each other and so there's never a gaping weakness or prolonged downtime. This is the ultimate advantage of a functioning marriage. The world may not know what's happening within those walls of their house but only the two of them know who is holding fort at any given time. It gives the two people a clear advantage and leverage to keep perpetually moving yet without getting exhausted. Single people and conflicting couples do not have this advantage because its tied to synergy and unity. I heard the business magnate Manu Chandaria say that if it were not for the marriage to his wife he would have been just abother businessman in Biashara Street where he started. From outside he may appear like he's the strong one, the one who is more known. But what is he saying himself? It was a team effort. Not his strength. This is the difference a good marriage brings.

Avoid dealing with the wrong people otherwise by the time you meet the right one you'll be too tired to trust them. Don't get emotionally involved with people just anyhow. Exercise emotional hygiene and stop letting people shove their dirty hands into your heart. Instal what they instal in shops: barriers and glasses to display their 'character' or stocks within a safe distance. This way they can interrogate all interested people and only give those who qualify access to their wares after they've paid the price. You cannot be opening your heart to everyone who comes into your life. The poor heart cannot survive such an unmeasured exposure. Display your nature with a safe distance. Learn new people from a glass screen. Some people carry bad odors and energies and a brief access can pollute your internal atmosphere for a long time. So it's better to vet them from outside and preserve access only to the one who will pass the test.

Being sneaky behind the back of a good person will always catch up with you. Trusting and honest people may appear easy to fool because they don't run around after you. They're secure enough to give you the space to do right without being monitored but if you're cheap enough to abuse that opportunity know for a fact you will not get away with it. You may appear to be having a field day in the beginning but in fact you're being given a chance to rethink your ways. You cheated once and you weren't found out, but are you sure you want to take that path? Your good-hearted partner may not be raising alarm yet but most likely they've already sniffed trouble and they're doing quiet observation. They're giving you benefit of the doubt. Human behaviour is very predictable especially in love affairs. A slight shift in energy will not go unnoticed. Two things will work against you if you persist in your erring ways: you will eat your bread in secret until eventually you want more and more of it and you lose taste for the right bread. That taste once its gone you may never recover it. You're training your senses to get excited only by stolen bread and although you may not see it now, you're changing your nature from within. Permanently. Second, you'll end up losing the person who was holding you up socially and emotionally. Then you will fall far below to even reach the stolen bread. At the end you'll be the loser and the fool.

If you start dating this lady and suddenly you notice that she has all these endless problems, from her family to financial and even personal, leave her alone to solve them. She's not your responsibility yet. Remember dating is for observation and you should just watch to see how she manages her life. If she seems to be living in a stream of crises, keep away. You don't want a high stress life. Remember people will bring to you what they had with themselves before you came. So how much support should people expect from those they're dating? If we're not an item yet, or engaged, none. We're just getting to know each other and if I learn you have issues with delayed salaries or house rent arrears, it's embarrassing but I can only wish you well while I hope your social circles will come through for you. That is, if you've been coming through for them. But if you don't have such a social investment, that's a problem by itself. Are you flexible and adaptable to solve problems? Are you living beyond your means? If we're engaged to get married, we can handle the issue together but still I will not take the place of your family. When we get married, it will be us in everything and then we can invite any outside help together. In short, a person should not ask for money from you just because you're dating, even as a loan. They should survive the way they were doing before you came. You should be the last person they show their dirty linen to, especially if you're yet to agree on getting married. In short, money issues destroy chemistry. Live a life you can afford so that even emergencies like rent arrears are not outrageously above your credit score and you can get soft loans from mobile apps. The moment yoy start borrowing from every new person entering your life it's a sign that you're financially disorganised and it's a huge red flag by itself.

'Whenever we have arguments with my husband. He must drag his mother and say i don't like or love his mother. I try as much as possible to get along with the mother. I have never argued with her. Why is he always like that?' Ask him. 'After calming down he doesn't want to talk it out he prefers when angry. He can say a million things that hurts a lot. But when calm he says he doesn't want to talk about it.' So are you his wife or his subordinate? If you have no say in your own marriage and you're taking all manner of hurtful words and stonewalling, how do you expect to be helped? That's power play. Put your foot down or you'll be mistreated forever. Moral of the story? Do not marry someone you cannot stand up to. Anger is no excuse for disrespect. Never let people think they can walk all over your feelings and you continue hanging around like a mat. Marriage was meant to be a haven, not a hell. A small paradise in this cruel world, not a prison.

When marriage is done right it's the best thing you can have in this life. I mean, where else you could have unprotected sex all you want without risking super gonorrhoea? Many bachelors struggle with stomach infections because of eating from many places, some of which are not that hygienic. That's for physical food; now imagine if a person was to live like that sexually? When marriage is right you get to spend nights with the same person without worrying whether they're scheming to kill you. You have help available when you need it even in the dead of the night without worrying whether you're inconveniencing someone. But most importantly, marriage is the ultimate catalyst for growth. Marriage becomes an incubator for your potentials- because the right partner will encourage your dreaming and experiments without criticism and shame. This is one thing you cannot get easily from the world. Your partner becomes a human mirror for your behaviour and they help you to adjust and polish your manners. They help with the finer details of your life like the smell of your breath and body odor, your hygiene and your eating habits - things that affect your reputation and perception by people and yet almost nobody else can come that close to help you with them. Your marriage becomes the vehicle to your destiny. From it you derive emotional support and mental stimulation. You bounce off ideas with your partner and you think together about anything and everything. You undertake projects without disclosing them to the world, which gives you a sense of positive conspiracy and a strong bond. Of course many people have been hurt by bad marriages and as a result they fear the whole idea of getting married. But you should keep in mind the possibility that your mission in life needed the help of a partner, or the person you needed to become could only be shaped in marriage. And since energies and evil is real in this world, what if you were made to be hurt by and hate marriage so that you can miss out on your life's task? Do not always go in the direction of your pain. Better to seek your purpose and what your inner being and intuition tells you. And are we implying that single people cannot excel, or that every healthy person should want it? Of course no. People like Paul and Daniel were not married, and they still excelled in the lives. We're simply saying that marriage is an amazing package for those cut out for it, and when it's done right.

Dating is a preview. What you see is what you will get in marriage, prolonged to full version. So you don't persevere people's behaviour in dating, unless you want to also persevere it in marriage. You don't try re-educating them. You simply observe. You don't wait for them to change. You just watch long enough to determine what it is; a mistake, a weakness, or a habit. You're not looking for a perfect person or flawless relationship, but you're looking for a possible one, a flowing one. You don't want a relationship that's tiresome. You should view marriage as a deal with components to negotiate around, just like a car deal. A bad deal with be a setback. A good deal will move you forward. You shouldn't get too philosophical until you're citing fate and bad luck. As much as you believe you're being led or guided, be also and prudent and alert. Marriage is like a vehicle in that after you choose it, it carries you. If it's a bad one it'll crush you. If it's a good one it'll accelerate you. And remember the 'road test' they do in cars is to watch the car in action. Your version of 'road test' must not involve emotional or sexual involvement with anyone because this will confuse your reasoning and observation. It must be watching them in action; the decisions they make and the general vibe of their life. You do this by conversations and tactful information mining.

Too often the reason someone is not introducing you to their people is because they're hiding you from the people who know them. You need someone who is proud of you and shows you off as their treasure, not someone who treats you like a secret or a sin. Keep your antenna alert and never commit on promises only or sell yourself on credit. If you sense that there's too much you don't know about a person, don't invest too much either. This world is full of trickery and exercising due diligence is your only defence.

Sometimes you may find your perfect fit but then there are cultural obstacles in the background. In some cultures, notably the Kikuyu culture, if dowry for the mother has not been paid that family cannot receive dowry for their daughters. So if you're the one who wants to marry the daughter you're faced with difficult options. Sometimes the man is unwilling or unable to pay it immediately to clear the way for his children to bring him the dowry. Sometimes one or both parents might already be deceased. In this case the burden falls on those who are planning to get married. Many have resolved to negotiate and pay an acceptable portion of the mother's dowry price themselves, and if this has drained their coffers they can then gain leniency to delay the paying of their own bride price. But they're allowed to marry in the meantime. The point here is to never let go of each other because of cultural obstacles. You can also get married at the Attorney Generals or even in church and sort the two dowry payments over time. If one of you really wanted a white wedding do not deny them. Just think around it and negotiate. You don't find soulmates easily and if you're lucky enough to find one you must fight for the chance.

If you start dating when you're not yourself you risk ending up with people who cannot handle you when you finally manage to come to yourself. Whether because you were too wounded and buried in pain, or because you were too young and confused, the implication is that you signed up only as a representative of your true self. Later when you manage to heal and grow you change into a different creature. Whereas you were just an amiable 'yes' person, now you have a voice and a personality. Now you can ask questions and you expect accountability. Whereas you were fearful and needing constant validation, now you're balanced and able to encourage as well. Whereas you only did what you were told, now you have dreams and aspirations. Now you want to engage with life more directly yourself, and you're restless to serve the world with your gifts. Suddenly you're a very different person and your consciousness is on another level. Now you can read motives and energies. Your partner may say that someone 'poisoned your mind' but in truth they're just disappointed at losing the voiceless version of you. Now you've showed up to the world and you want a mutually enriching union whereas they wanted a one-sided dominance. Suddenly you're no longer terrified of 'what people will say' as much as you're terrified of living someone else's life. You even feel a little agitated that someone would want to control you like a robot and essentially take away your right to self determine. Now you want them to give you the individual space you deserve to grow and have a union of two grownups who are building each other up. If this is not possible you just can't take part in anything.

If you've been breaking up and then getting back again with your lover and now you're planning to get married thinking this will perhaps give you a 'fresh start' and make you live peacefully you're deceiving yourselves. You'll continue breaking up even after you marry. There's no magic in the marriage act since its the same people involved. You're incompatible and you know it but you like to assume that fact and deny it. You're together not because of love but because of the lure of the familiar, the fear of starting over separately, and the dread of losing all those years you've invested in the relationship. Fear has a paradoxical effect of attracting the very thing you're afraid of. If you're too afraid of ending up alone and you let that fear inform your decisions thats when you end up alone. Solution? Confront your fear of being alone and decide that you will never compromise on your principles just to have company and if this means being alone for a longer time so be it. Strangely enough, it is this attitude that leads you to the right relationships. Ask those happily married and they'll tell you.

I hope you find the courage to say goodbye to maybes and unclear promises. There are people who sense your desire for companionship and then they act as if there's a possibility of something between the two of you. They dangle a carrot in front of you just so you can relax your defences for them to use you. They're not in your life to be lovers or friends. They play on your heart only to gain access and use you. If you ask around you'll find that most people were not heartbroken by their declared enemies but by someone who claimed to love them. Your solution is to avoid wearing your needs on your sleeves. However much you crave love avoid telling it to everyone you get close to. Some are masters at exploiting such needs. You may spend days with a person laughing and talking and then you mistake them for a friend or lover and you relax your guard. Many of such people are emotional touts who hang on the door of your life just long enough to mince some benefits before they jump off. Learn to hold back your feelings and the secrets of your heart until you ascertain people's true motives. Time and patience alone will sort most of them out because they're usually hoping for quick results and if they don't succeed they fade away. And you must not feel a loss when they fall off because you've not lost a lover. You've escaped a scammer.

Sometimes their behaviour is your answer. Take care of your soul and stop asking them anymore questions. You already know they can never heal you or own up. All they will do is to repeat the blame shifting and denial, which will only scar you more. Sometimes you have to give yourself the closure you seek. You have to go on without the apologies and explanations you deserve. When people show you that they don't care about your feelings or even your future together, you have to believe it. Sometimes you have to be your own healer. It may be unfair but you're strong enough to get over it.

Don't worry too much about who you attract- because when you're a good person you'll naturally attract all manner of people, rather worry about who you entertain. Those who knock at your door are many and you can't control them. What matters is who you open the door for. So don't hate yourself because crazy people keep showing up at your front yard. And don't let anyone accuse you because of drawing attention everywhere you go. Stars can't help but shine. Remember also that the moon causes waves by just being itself, and you may be like it. You cause waves even without trying. Just remain yourself and let those who have you in their life recognise what a privilege it is to have you by seeing how many others are dying for you. It's alright to be admired because you're genuinely admirable. It doesn't mean you're cheap. If some insecure character tries to put out your light by asking you to dress dull like a grandma, remove them from your life instead.

If I openly communicate how your words and actions have hurt me and instead of showing empathy and making amends or adjustments you choose to ignore me because my truth challenges your ego and your superman complex, I will no longer need you in my life. Not as a friend or boss or lover or cousin. I no longer have time for manipulation, projection, and passive aggressive behaviour. I've spent enough of my time accommodating selfish and disgraceful people. This time round I'm prioritising me.