unblue.

بهم می‌گن باید استراحت کنم و بخاطرش اجازه می‌دن چند ساعتی بیرون باشم، تنها یا با دوستام یا هرکسی که فکرش رو بکنی. ولی مدام ذهنم توی خونه گیر افتاده، بین جعبه ی داروها و گریه ها.

the moment you try to accept things instead of hating them or getting triggered by them is when you can finally find inner peace. accepting people and things as they are, without getting involved in them, is one of the biggest blessings.

I need therapy.

On love.

I know you love me but my body doesn't. Sometimes when you kiss me and wipe my tears away I feel warmth deep down my stomach, but that's just not enough for me. I always thought I needed more warmth, more kindness, more love. Until that day when you slammed the door open, grabbed my neck and pulled me into an unwanted rough kiss. You didn't ask me if I was okay, you didn't ask me about my day, about how I was. You just did what you wanted because at that moment you didn't care about me. At that moment I doubted the love you had for me but my body was on fire for the first time. The meaner you got, the rougher you went, I felt enough for the first time even though I was starting to think that you actually hated me. You pushed me against the counter, my ribs got bruises on them for days, I started to count my ribs cause I was able to see them after that. With every thrust I felt more confused if you love me or hate me. Maybe you had no feelings at all? When I was little, my father once hit me in the face and I got a nosebleed. That was the first time I saw real blood, I was scared, I was terrified, I cried and cried and cried. His face was filled with terror. He wiped away the blood just the way you wiped away my tears after you ruined me that night. He hugged me and I thought that was love. He hit me again and again after that. But everytime, that was love for me. countless bruises on my arms, screams I had to suffocate by myself at night. And you suffocated me with your hands. I couldn't even scream or beg anymore and maybe that was love even though my father never said I love you, I just assumed that was love. For a child there only exists love and happiness in life right? I didn't know about sorrow, about grief or rage. So I looked in anything I could find for joy and love. I found it in the way someone punched me in the face, the way someone neglected me. I found love in clenched fists and angry eyes, in curse words. Heat starts to grow in my body every time you playfully mention you'd beat me. Maybe I don't want that, but my body does. I loved the way you drowned me in hatred that night, in neglect. I knew you couldn't hear my cries at that time, you were too deep in your own head to hear anything. The way you teased me over and over, never giving me what my body craves because I don't deserve it right? Even if I beg and do as you say I don't deserve what I crave. It's a sin to want, to crave. But I've always wanted you, I never thought in this way though. I always wanted to be loved, not like this though. You'd bit me up cause you love me, you'd curse at me, pull my hair roughly, look at me like I'm an object cause you like me right? That's what I was taught back in home. My father would say I'm pretty, then he would look at me with hateful eyes while he was throwing mean words at me. You never tell someone you hate that they're pretty right? I guess he loved me, not the way you always loved me though. My mom said there exists different kinds of love in this world so I believed you when you embraced me after I made a mistake. I believed you love me after I got mad at you but you didn't get mad as well, I believed you when you never gave me bruises or forced me to do something I didn't like. I believed you when you begged me to stay, said you don't care that I hate myself cause you could love both of us instead. I found love in hatred more than anything cause that was all I was surrounded by as a child. That was all he showed me and named it love. Actually, I called it love because a father should love you right? Now I lay in bed next to you again, my body sore and my eyes full of tears as you kiss away my painful whimpers, caress my bruises away. I guess I know you love me but my body doesn't.

دیر رسیدم؟:(

🕷 forward this and I'll give you a dagger, a random picture/outfit and maybe a song ! 🍾 I'll do 20 + friends <3 Priv channels : https://telegram.me/BChatBot?start=sc-182597-TivsXsl

no ex no next , for me لی دونگ ووک is the best

نانا گرفتم؟!؟!؟!؟؟!

پشه ای که آرزو داشتم نیشم بزنه: پ.ن : میدونم شبیه مگس سگی شده ولی خب.

She/them

(☠️) forward this massage and I'll give you "imagine talking shit about me and i'm just in my room like" like this based on your vibe

pls mention your pronouns

You didn't eat again .

ایبابا کجا رفتی موندم اخر

Seems like you want me to sit on YOUR face 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭