malacled

forgot I’ve had a github account since 2015….I feel old can I technically write 11 years of experience now….at 20? not suspicious at all 😭😭 apparently a few of my cringey projects I still have up “are so clearly pre-ai” 💀

with every passing day I feel like an old person complaining about new technology, the new version of your parents muttering “it was different back in my day” perhaps the sands of time have smoothed down the edges of my memory and the internet was never this idyllic place I remember it being but at the very least, I know it was not this overwhelming, this deliberate, this consciously consumption focused and this low quality perhaps ao3 had toaster x bread fanfics but at the very least they were human, they had substance, they had (albeit a very cringey 14 year old’s) patches of soul

exulansis: the tendency to give up trying to describe an experience because no one can relate to it. last attempt at this one. sometimes my brain zooms out of my own thoughts. I'm watching myself in third person, and I don't know who the inner voice narrating me actually is. it happens more when I haven't journaled in a while, or when something heavy is happening in my life. a friend called it depersonalization, but it's not fully that. the voice that usually operates in my head still exists, it's just zoomed out further. I can see it operating now, and if I wanted to I could change things, but suddenly nothing matters because life feels so minuscule, not worth it. I'm viewing everything from above myself. it isn't conscious either, it just happens. afterwards I have no motivation, I feel negative, it's just an overall really icky feeling. n e waze. exulansis. I give up.

today I was up and about from 7am to whenever-this-is, you do the math. I'm writing this from the couch downstairs because the stairs to my room feels like it might be the nail in the coffin to do me in. hackathon, hardware sync, meet-up, work, another meetup, I wish I was making this up. really living up to my bio: "one day I'll stop overbooking myself. not today. but one day." I remember high school was this way, everything leading into the next, journalism article out every week, planning my nonprofit details, journaling, playing piano at lunch, debugging some half-assed project, reading a book a day, etc. every checkbox checked. I still try to build my to-do lists the same way, yet I only really get done maybe half of what I plan out. I think it's partly because I used to time block so effectively, whereas now sometimes even when I have output it doesn't feel as satisfying as it used to. the drug has lost its potency, I guess. not only that, I am much more drained by this type of day than I used to be. socializing has always been significantly more energy-depleting for me than most, but never to this extent. I wonder, do you naturally lose tolerance for dense days as you age, or did my slow decline in such dense days lead to loss of tolerance for them? regardless, it's a bit off-putting (you should be off-pudding): there's a small grief there, I'm holding a eulogy for the me I used to be. (sleep is not, in fact, as it turns out, for the weak) that being said, today was a nice day. got a lot of my technical work done (even though syncing with our hardware team is always a pain) before the clock even hit 9, making last minute hackathon project changes in cabs (and the rain, my poor computer). shipped two barely there half done things out without letting the perfectionist in me kill all other processes for the day, so that's a first. caught up with a friend today who always does little journal style posts (hence this one), and I'm always so excited to read hers but let's see how long I can keep this up. given my track record, about a week and a half, tops. met a lot of super smart young kids that (as always) made me feel old but it was nice to finally put faces to names. whenever I have these meetings I have so much more hope for our country, sometimes it feels insane that this is the level of thinking for 15/16/17 year olds. I don't think I even could string two coherent arguments together at 15. anyhow, that's all from me tonight. here's to consistency (that I will have, now, hopefully, fingers crossed).

my brother before his AP exam: “I’m kind of stressed” -“don’t be stressed” “not really stressed just нервный yk” -“don’t be нервный” I scored 21/40 on a practice test a day before stats and somehow got a 5 so something tells me he’ll be fine

you cannot hate yourself into becoming who you want to be

if I say sing me a lullaby, singing umbrella by rihanna is a completely valid option just an fyi

wrote this forever ago but getting it out there before it's not even applicable anymore 😭🫶

couldn’t be more proud

feels great to see this screen)

I have an exam tmr if I text you pls ignore me

it's meaningful because it's worth suffering for

whenever college decisions come out and people begin to arbitrarily rank themselves, I love to pull out van gogh’s quote: “if I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. for wheat is wheat, even if people think it is grass in the beginning.” reminder that anything you achieve, any time society suddenly deems you worthy of praise, some institution decides you are qualified, you have always been that way. the people around you see it, with or without the verification label. ironically bahar also sent me this quote near decisions last night. coincidence?

very often I judge applications not by the things the student has done, but by the approach they take to whatever they take on whether it be essays or expanding their portfolio Azim is one of the most pro-active, insistent people I know plus, a lot of his ECs actually stem from his interests and will so clearly continue post uni (Neuronix is often in other students EC lists now, which just goes to show how much outreach it has) sometimes rejection is redirection, and in Azim’s case I’m sure that his consistency and drive will get him further than a stanford degree ever would

Stanford REA deferral (first video - december 2025) and RD decision (the second vid) biotech ai startup for brain tumors. neuronix nonprofit. managing UzCombinator. 1580. startup ecosystem at Youth Agency, research papers, lab work and hundreds of hours spent on essays. rejecting full scholarships from top-notch medical unis and coming back to uzb for my Stanford dream. 4 gap years. literally days and nights of being awake and laser-focused on the goal. december 2025. deferral. Stanford has been my dream uni for years. and that deferral actually meant a lot to me. and i had hope. after submitting the application in november, i went to bukhara (had never been before) on a trip w my mom to unwind a bit. and bcs how much exhausted i was, in the 2nd rakah of juma prayer, i lost consciousness. thought that it was the end. tons of EEG tests and mri sessions afterward. (imagine that while u urself are a medtech startup founder working on ai for brain cancer) after getting deferred in december, my health condition didnt stop me from working even harder for the rd app and prepping killer deferral updates, which i eventually did. all my hope was in stanford. i didnt care ab other schools, and still dont. in the end, rejection. AHAH, u cant imagine my current state. that aint the full story. but the rest of the story i will let it just be w me. had i gotten in, i would've made a post, so to make it fair, why not make one even if i got rejected. win or loss, Alhamdulillah!

insane. I don't think I've ever heard of an uzbek student having this many options. and from public school. diabolical.

Thats gonna be haaard: Caltech vs Stanford vs Brown

been working on a little something with @ozdemir_bahar

Is it what they call an ivy?