Hey Unihorse 🦄
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I need to vent
I am a 25-year-old female, and I am venting because I desperately need a real-time explanation of "blind faith." I hate thinking like this, and I feel like an outcast. I won’t become an atheist because I do believe in GOD, but my critical thinking is pushing me toward agnosticism. I’m no longer sure if He is truly good to everyone, if He is genuinely loving, or if I even want to spend eternity with Him.
I grew up Christian Orthodox, but over the past two years, my faith has rapidly faded. I tried so hard to get close to Him. I had that burning "fire for GOD"—I used to testify, repost religious content, and maintain a constant relationship with Him in my head. I isolated myself from friends to avoid "sinful stuff" and make time for GOD and my job. But now, that spark is completely gone. I have started questioning everything, to the point where I feel like I am definitely going to Hell. It is giving me full-blown panic attacks. I am petrified and frightened. Honestly, I wish there was a third option: no Heaven, no Hell, just a peaceful return to nothingness, exactly like before I existed. Not existing after death doesn’t even scare me anymore.
In fact, Heaven scares me too, and I don't hope for it anymore for three reasons:
1 I am too sinful, worldly, and critical to ever make it there.
2 Wearing all white, singing hymns, and bowing down a gazillion times for eternity sounds like being a slave or a robot. It would be easier to praise Him if He were visibly here on Earth, but Him being invisible and distant makes worship feel empty.
3 If Heaven has no evil, what does that make us? Without free will to choose wrong, we just become perfect robots.
The logic of Hell feels completely broken to me. If I tell a lie or curse a little bit, am I really going to the exact same Hell as Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, or someone who killed 40 people? Why aren’t there levels like Hell-Lite or Hell-Zero? I know for a fact I don’t deserve Supreme Hell. Even worse, if a mass murderer says "sorry" on their deathbed, they go to Heaven while an honest doubter goes to Hell. Imagine dying, making it to Heaven, and the very first person you see is your rapist just because they repented. It feels like the only good thing about Heaven is that it isn’t Hell. Most Christians only worship Him to avoid fire, not out of love.
If I told my own children, "If you don't love me, I am going to set you on fire," would anyone call me a loving mother? Furthermore, if God knows everything and created everything, then free will is an illusion. He knew people would rebel and die in sin before He even made them, yet He created them anyway just to send them to Hell. Why not just kill the devil? It feels like a movie script: "Who would Batman be without the Joker?" The devil takes the blame so GOD can look like the good guy.
I feel too weak to be perfect, too critical to have blind faith, and too stubborn to love a God who feels like He doesn't care about me. I just want to sink into nothingness. I wish He was all good to everyone.
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