Hey Unihorse 🦄
Hide my Identity
I need to vent
Is it normal to feel like you're completely alone in this world? Like you need somebody, also u're a huge dissapointment just a waste of oxygen for even existing?
Caution: I'm literally ranting my whole life story here, so help yourself and scroll if you're too bored because this is soooooo LONG and i'm just writing it for the sake of feeling relieved, so I'm a girl, 20 years old. But a lot of people always tell me, "You're too mature for your age." I mean, 20 isn't even that young, but people keep saying it. I think Professor Wuteshal minamin type compliment and ngl I kinda like that compliment.
So the thing is... I feel very lonely most of the time. I somehow never really made friends, not even proper acquaintances. People say if you can't make friends when you're a grown woman, then you're probably the problem. But technically, I had a bestie for over 10 years. She's living abroad right now. We literally shaped each other's personalities because we were together all the time, everywhere. She had a strict family, and she was only allowed to be with me. Her parents loved me like their own daughter. But sometimes I wonder... was that really the case? Was she forced to be with me? Because if not, why can't I make friends now?
There's always something bicha I tried making friends, but it was a massive failure. Growing up, I didn't know any boys. No cousins, family friends, literally nothing. I barely talked to boys until I finished 12th grade, except for assignment or exam stuff.
It was corona time since we were in 8th grade, and I used that to my advantage. Nobody had seen my face until 12th grade,i know crazy,and I kept being an introvert. I never went out,not to parks, not cafes, nowhere. If my family wanted to eat outside, I always said no. Eventually they got used to it and stopped asking.not going anywhere literally became my identity.Plus, even if classmates or boys my age saw me, I was always wearing my mom's super long dresses, messy hair, huge cardigan or jacket. I was basically invisible to my peers. And I looked like that boring nerd girl who's too "gegema" for anything but if you actually knew me? I'm that movies, books,video games girl. Like, I literally never opened my books before the day of finals. Nobody knew though ofc except my parents who think i study at school I remember one time there was this backbencher cool guy in our class btw the guy almost every girl had a crush on. Our teacher grouped students for assignments, one smart student with others type thing. We ended up together,bro was SO pissed he got grouped with me i was like wtf man i don't bite He literally said to my face, "Change my group or I ain't working with her." We had no beef or anything; he just hated
me.plus teachers were always making me look after the class and teach when they weren't around, so everyone hated me ugh i hated that especially that lazyass physics teacher,but then... that cool guy he ended up asking me out. I still don't know if it was for fun or real, but I rejected him. He didn't stop until the day I changed schools in 12th grade, which was when I finally stopped wearing masks 'Till now I still wonder... how can someone like a girl without seeing her face properly and only seeing her dressed like somebody's grandma's closet but he somehow proved me wrong and I kinda loved that about him ,Then I entered 12th grade and there was a whole new version of me.
My big sister knew everything I struggled with,socializing and all that. She's the fun sister, so she cut my hair and was like, "This is your fresh start."
#MentalIllness
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