bullshitting to all

writing anything feels performative now, it's like there's so many judge out there, or maybe it's just in my mind, i judge everything from so many perspective. crux is nothing feels genuine, you expressing a moment of joy can also turn into a bland feeling with adding 2 different person's opinion. a moment of pause while you write and your brain goes blank and it makes you feel like you're conjuring words kn your mind for a performance. the play is really fascinating it's jut your mind playing a game on you but it feels everybody ia a part of it. is this a resemblance with our past validation behavior or just an issue which is forming collectively in everyone's mind? in every war, there's a party which plays the role of rebellion, the given no fuck to what i do are those people. a declaration of free will is a proper war declaration against everything i have written above. and i support everybody qho play a role in it.

Even while they are in the deepest of trenches some will keep going because they would rather watch their life burn to the ground in their own image than let it stay standing in someone elses, because for some the pursuit is a part of their identity. The greatest thing you can be is yourself and the older you get you should only seek to understand and be aligned with everything about yourself that life will reveal to you (while obviously maintaining the necessary amount of self criticism needed to grow). Calmness, stillness and not needing much are not things to be looked down upon, we're talking monkeys glued to radiating screens on a floating rock that have bodies that won't be able to do bare minimum tasks in less than 100 years, this shit really don't mean much including what I'm writing rn lol. 20-30-40-50 years down the line i maybe so present in indulging in the fruits of my labor that all these things that i speak of with so much passion now won't matter & I'll be getting high on a boat somewhere in Monaco ignorantly saying just enjoy life haha, we can only live in the moment & do it how we want. It's a great feeling to appreciate the way you decide to approach your life, even if millions do it the same way, only you will get to experience it as you and that's a gift.           So why must we be humbled? I don't think we must, i think most people just learn best by putting our hands on the stove and the lessons learned like that, through experience are the ones that hit so hard they lead to rants like this lmao. Humility is the quickest path to authenticity. It washes away the shoulds, the supposed tos, the borrowed dreams. It leaves you with a choice: Keep climbing, not for glory, but because the climb is in your bones. Or walk away, not with shame, but with self-respect. Treat others with respect and view everyone equally, cause there's no point in gaining everything but losing God

Why do you often need to be humbled before reaching success, you end up seeing yourself in the same people you swore you'd never become, people who never figured it out because of a lack of ambition, a lack of manic dedication, an instilled lack of self belief, the lack of youthful ignorance of thinking all it takes to achieve your dreams is to just start. You almost need to be backed into a corner because of the decisions that teenage you made and have no choice but to move forward with the path because you put all your eggs in one basket. When the learning curves that were supposed to take a few months turn into considerable chunks of your life, failure stops being a temporary pause that give you perspective & knowledge and becomes the perpetual state of your existence, your truth. After what feels like countless years of living in that while giving it your actual all, and that's what always gets you; giving your literal all. Family relationships strained, friendships fizzled out, mental and physical health deteriorating because  EVERY SECOND THAT CAN BE USED WILL BE USED, and yet it's still not enough. That forces you to re-evaluate, what are you even doing this for? "Is it to become someone I admire, or someone I think will be admired or because I cannot be anyone else?" One is a wish. The other is a truth and if you're lucky you'll find that it's because of the latter. Most give up because they want to get to the goal just to get there, it's not who they are, it's who they wish they were because it looks cool, everyone wants to see the view at the summit, but you'll never survive the journey unless you're a climber at heart. A climber doesn't endure just for the view at the top; they endure because climbing is the only thing that makes them feel like themselves. When you realize you would rather be climbing, even with little to no chance of reaching the top, than be comfortable anywhere else, that’s when you know you’re not pursuing a goal. You’re honoring a identity and when you accept that you might never get to the summit that's when you start to see yourself in the people you swore you'd never become because you recognize a shared humanity and shared struggles. But your reaction to that humbling (giving your literal all) is what will differentiate you. You discover that the ambition wasn't just a coping mechanism to make yourself feel better it was part of the core of who you are. The non-negotiable drive that looks like madness from the outside, feels like purpose on the inside. I think success is usually one of two things, luck or a personality trait, because you stumble upon it/have it given to you or you need to be a fuckin maniac to endure the suffering needed to get to it, and unfortunately the higher the height you want to get to, the more you have to give up in return & it often gets to a point where the goal is no longer worth it, where things have been too fucked up for too long and that's the point where people start to get weeded out. The only ones that keep moving forward are those that will sleep more peacefully at night while ruining their lives trying to get to where they want to get to than they would sacrificing who they are for peace and comfort. It's sick lol, you need to be lucky or you need to be crazy and those that aren't lucky shouldn't feel bad if they find out they're not crazy enough to do what it takes to get that life they always wanted, there is no need to achieve anything outside of yourself, Success that requires you to betray yourself isn’t success it’s performance. And failure that helps you return/discover to yourself isn’t failure, it’s refinement & if you're not someone to walk away from the *RELATIVE comfort of a safer more secure path, don't do it, if you are not a climber, there is no shame in enjoying the view from the base of the mountain. A fulfilling life is not defined by the altitude you reach but by the authenticity with which you live. Forcing yourself to climb a mountain you hate, for a view you don't truly care about, is way worse than trying and failing.

happy engineer day to me and every engineer out there

I'm incapable of loving anyone, even myself

maybe distraction is good for me. i cannot sit with my thoughts alone, not anymore. it's as if i am gonna choke myself if i do it.

why does listening to this guy makes me so fucking uncontrollable

we're starting a new book for the club and those who wish to join can cm'here https://t.me/unfunnies_book_club/72?single

if you win a rat race, you're still a rat

growing up is also realising autumn is too short, although winter gives you comfort along with pain. it'll never be like autumn.

darkness eat everything, except light

what even is love you all beg for?