Potato Brain

I haven't posted anything in a while. There is something, though, I really want to talk about. It is a long read. On my final two weeks of the semester. The primary goal is to survive the finals. The New Year is approaching, winter break is gonna be exciting, and I can't wait. Recently, I found myself thinking: What was I doing exactly one year ago? What were my struggles and dreams back then? How would I react if I knew about everything that would happen to me within the next year? In December 2022, I was a senior at Tashkent PS. My biggest worry at the moment was getting into a university. I never applied for ED, so all of my hopes were tied to RD, and I was panicking. The deadlines were approaching, and I had almost no hope, but there was always a lingering thought of "I will regret not applying, so even if I fail, I might just still force myself to apply." I was also never prepared or mentored by anyone, so I felt like I was quite literally gambling (doing everything by myself with almost no feedback from anyone). Staying at school wasn't easy either. A-Levels (which still mattered at that point), terrible food (always being hungry and skipping meals, being extremely happy to find an extra pack of Big Bon in my drawer), frustrating decisions and actions on behalf of adults (never-ending war of nerves, the realization that everything is useless, never being left alone (go there, do that, dress like this, eat like that, don't do 182387218972389 things on this list, be brainwashed by us, lose your identity), always being made use of (we will use your achievements to promote ourselves and we won't even treat you right in exchange), sabotage), insomnia. The constant fear of not succeeding was my Roman empire at the time. What if I never make it out of this country? What if I end up going to a local university? I was always terrified of living a life of a typical Uzbek woman: everyone telling you that it's time to get married, basically no freedom, opressing my feelings and ambitions in favor of building a family, never being able to say what I want, act however I want, and never being viewed as something more than a future wife and mother. So, me from December 2022, crawling on the floor of her bedroom and feeling completely numb, would be shocked to find out about all that was to come. In December 2023, I am a freshman at an Ivy League university, studying the things that I actually like (unlike STEM, which was enforced upon me in high school), living abroad, and living alone. I have access to so many resources and opportunities that are not available to a lot of people. I have smart and talented friends from all over the world, and I have found the right person to accompany me. The most frustrating thing to me, however, is that NOW that I am literally living the life of my dreams, I am still not satisfied. It is, of course, in human nature to always want more. Yes, I want more success, good internships, acceptance to a law school in the future, etc., etc. I'm a greedy person. But today, as I sat down to think about all of that, I understood that there should be moments where I allow myself to enjoy the present and let myself be proud. I am getting acceptable grades, I am more or less managing everything, I just got into a cool program for spring semester, and today I also received news that one of my close friends who I rooted for got into Duke. I am very proud of myself.

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As a child, I used to watch a lot of Nickelodeon. "Big Time Rush", "iCarly", "Victorious", etc. That's why I can't be more hyped to see Victoria Justice, who played Tori in "Victorious", five days from now. Apparently, she's coming to Penn to host a talk! I can't believe that I'm going from watching her show for years to seeing her in real life! Speaking of other updates on my life here, Academically, I'm not doing bad. It is much more workload than, for example, at my high school. However, I'm trying to manage it, and except for a couple of challenges (pulling all-nighters and trying to not go insane after receiving an 88 for a paper I spent 4 days on), it is going well (I'm getting good grades, at least for now). I love my history class, especially. Like we went to the Georgian restaurant and the Philadelphia Museum of Arts as part of the program, and I enjoy reading, discussing, and writing papers about something interesting. I also managed to visit New York twice, go to Yale, and generally discover Philadelphia. I'm trying to join some more clubs next semester (their acceptance rate is lower than Penn's acceptance rate) and apply for some internships/programs (we'll see how it goes). I'm working as well which is an interesting experience.

Me, thinking I should be more cautious with what I say to people on campus. People on campus: -Where did you say she was from? -Oh, from Taiwan -So, she's from China! (note: it was a Chinese person who said that, which makes it even more political) -Oh, so your friend also speaks Russian? -No, he's Ukrainian -Well, that's the same, right? -Did you say that girl was Indian? -Yeah -But she's too white, no? To tell you that I was at a loss of words every single time...

Let's talk about something I have been holding for some time! I don't wanna be a people pleaser. Specifically to a lot of the people who might be reading this right now. Let me make this clear: I am not a free personal consultant who will gladly reply to all of your questions just because we come from the same country. So, please, next time you text me because: -you want your application reviewed -you want a feedback on your personal statement -you want me to forward promotional messages -your first choice is UPenn -you know me from 12389089 years ago/we met at some event and now you want help -you want me to share my essays with you -you are not capable of inserting the most basic questions ever into a browsing engine Don't be surprised that I'm ignoring you. Don't be offended because I don't want to spend my time on this unpaid labor. And of course, you might want to consider not insulting me and trying to guilt trip me. Oh yeah, I would also like you to refrain from trying to invade my privacy and asking inappropriate questions. I'm not your sister or your bestie, so don't treat me like we've know each other for the longest time. Also, please, don't tell me what to post or not to post in this channel. Don't try feeding me your "advice" on how to live either. That was all! I'm sorry for dumping all this negative stuff here, but it is what it is.

Magical Gardents at Philly

Magical Gardents at Philly

Manipulations I use regularly: -If I have to submit an application or complete something, and the deadline of it is more than 1 week away, I put the deadline date on my calendar as one or two days earlier than the original date. When I go to check my calendar sometime later, I start believing that the original deadline date is the one I faked. -In all of the papers I write, I use sign posting. It is something like literally stating what you did/about to do right now. For example, "and this is the first reason for why x is true", "now I will talk about the main argument", "this was the introduction into the topic x". Even if it isn't well written, it will look like all the needed stuff is on the paper, and I know what I'm talking about. -For all the ambigious points or arguments in my philosophy assignments, I say that they are about morals. I go like "this is the point of view concerning moral principles". -I buy some snack I really like, and then put it somewhere within my sight. I start doing an assignment or a reading, and I tell to myself that I have no right of touching that snack until I'm finished with some amount of my work/everything. -After each passage I finish writing, I let myself go and watch Instagram reels for a bit. To create an illusion of havin fun. -With most people I meet at Penn: I try to find out what their interests are. Then I talk a lot about their interests and discuss something about it with them, so that they remember me better and their ego boosts while talking to me. This way they think I'm a useful person to talk to in future. -I only worry about academic or career. I made a deal with myself, that I will stop regretting too much about things that happen in my life, unless they are related to my grades, career, etc.

Currently at Penn