Heartleap

Alice in Wonderland Tove Jansson's illustrations

The thing about war is that it makes you forget that there exists a whole other life outside its borders. It keeps pushing you more and more into something unknown, something that you can never get used to but still you have no choice but to face it and accept it as the only way of living that you have right now. Holding on to the small fragments of life that still exist around us might be the hardest thing right now, but it's also the only thing that keeps me from forgetting that, however bleak things may seem, life persists.

Petite Maman (2021)

Little Fish (2020)

“Don’t worry, please, please don’t, because worrying might spoil it, because if you worry it might not come true. Somewhere there is something waiting for you, and you can smile a little perhaps now when you are so unhappy, because how well we both know that you will be happy very very very very soon. Somewhere someone is waiting for you, and loves you, and thinks you are beautiful, and it will be so wonderful and so fine, and if you can be patient and wait and never never never never despair, because despair might spoil it, you will come there, someday, and the gates will open and you will pass through, and no one will be able to come in unless you let them, and no one can even see you. Someday, someone, somewhere.”   ― Hangsaman by Shirley Jackson

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بین این همه گرونی وضعیت بازار کتاب هرروز داره نگران‌کننده‌تر میشه. چک می‌کنم می‌بینم کتابی که درست همین ماه پیش ۴۵۰ تومن گرفته بودم (که همون هم زیادی بود) الان شده یک میلیون و خرده‌ای. این اتفاق برای تمامی کتاب‌هایی که به‌تازگی گرفتم رخ‌داده و همشون به‌طرز وحشتناکی گرون‌تر شدن در حدی که در آینده‌ی نزدیک فکر نمی‌کنم هیچ کتابی رو بشه زیر یک میلیون تومن پیدا کرد. مرگ فیزیکال مدیا واقعا ناراحت‌کنندست و اینکه کم‌کم نمی‌تونیم هیچ‌چیز رو به‌صورت «فیزیکی» داشته باشیم و از سر ناچاری مجبوریم به ورژن دیجیتالش بسنده کنیم خیلی ناراحتم می‌کنه. من دیگه حقیقتا حتی رغبت نمی‌کنم بگردم ببینم چه کتابی رو دوست دارم بخرم، رفتن به کتابفروشی هم دیگه فقط آدم رو افسرده‌تر می‌کنه.

ما دلیرانه بدون چراغ به میان تاریکی رفتیم ساعت ما در تاریکی گم شد مدت‌ها بود زمان را گم کرده بودیم دیگر حدسی برای آینده نداشتیم ما حتا دیگر به مرگ هم فکر نمی‌کردیم شادی را در کندوهای عسل جست‌وجو می‌کردیم خواب‌و‌بیداری ایام هفته را انکار می‌کردیم صدای فراموش شدهٔ جوانی ما از کنار ما عبور می‌کرد اما ما آن را نمی‌شناختیم هستی ما در یک چراغ خاموش خلاصه می‌شد همچنان در تاریکی بودیم بدون چراغ، ساعت و آینده.

I also think about how everything also starts on a random day. How you can't start something without ending another thing. How there is always something to lose in order to achieve something. How almost always later in life you go back to all the stupid things you used to love at your teenage years and you start loving them again, but this time secretly, more quietly. So is it really true that things are lost forever if those things are always a part of us? All the people we meet, all the people we lose, all the memories, all the tears... they all turn into something beautiful in the end. We are connected to each other by the things that make our hearts beat the most.

I always think about that one lorde song in which she says "all of the music you loved at sixteen, you'll grow out of it." I think about how everything ends on a random day. One day you are listening to that so called embarrassing music from your childhood and the next day you suddenly find it so unbearable that you can't even force yourself to listen to it again. I think about how many different versions of us exist in one lifetime and how easily we tend to lose each one of them just to replace them with a new one. I think about all the silly dreams that we make in our heads when we are young, how we see the world as this massive giant ball that has the ability to offer us everything. How nothing about childhood is great or innocent but we somehow had the ability to make the most out of it.

some of the books on Jeff Buckley's reading list published by his mother, Mary Guibert, on his official website (see the full list here) ♡