nessnote

yaaaaaarrrrrrr i hate sardi

i need to listen to music intravenously.

i’ve been thinking about this for a while, a little too obsessively, actually. so i’m thinking of making an instagram account where i post some of my writing. but i’m scared. mostly of numbers, and what they do to the brain. but i also don’t want fear to be the reason i don’t try. if i do make it, i’d really like some of you to be there, even if it’s just silently reading. let me know what you think 🤍

yearning is a thought that refuses to stay abstract. it has elbows. it presses against the ribs. it is meditation that has lost its manners. where meditation asks the mind to sit still like a well-trained courtier, yearning sprawls across the floor, drunk on its own intensity, speaking in riddles, undoing its buttons. it is contemplation with a pulse too loud to ignore. the soul tries to be composed but the body votes otherwise. i have learned that yearning understands time better than clocks do. it stretches seconds the way eternity stretches deserts. an instant in their presence becomes an empire full of unnecessary detail. centuries pass between their glance and your breath. you are suddenly ancient, carrying the fossil of a moment in your chest. and yet, nothing happens. that is the joke of it. yearning builds cathedrals out of pauses and asks you to kneel before what never arrives. when they appear, you do not rush forward, because yearning is not haste, it is delay. it teaches you to admire without touching. you stand as if pinned by an unseen hand, like a sundial that has forgotten the sun but still insists on casting meaning. your thoughts scatter like startled birds, and all philosophy abandons you except this one certainty that wanting is now your native language. yearning is not ignorant of its consequences. it is not naive love. it is educated ruin. smokers read the warnings and still light the cigarette. yearners read their own future and kiss it anyway. they know the soul bruises more easily than the body, that longing leaves no visible scars, only a slow thinning of the self. but the damage is part of the devotion. to yearn is to say, i accept the terms. i will burn cleanly. there is something almost comic about it, if one dares to step back. this vast machinery of feeling devoted to a single, possibly indifferent human being. planets rearranging themselves for a candle flame. but yearning has never been interested in proportion. it prefers excess. it loves the absurd arithmetic of giving everything for nothing. and perhaps that is why it endures. because in a world obsessed with outcomes, yearning dares to be pure expenditure.

homesick for an alternate timeline.

you will always find me with a crossword

it's so easy to forget that life is supposed to feel like a deep breath and not a gasp.

"to be taken seriously a woman has to become nothing but a wound"

finally read 1984. will post a detailed review kuch dino baad.

i hate having a sweet tooth.

emotional support internet strangers.

yaar ye har dusre din exam. i have an exam tomorrow yet again so i completed one of the books i was reading, started a new one, watched reels, and talked to a friend for 2 hours of course.