My Depression Notes

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When she finally returned her skin was unmarred, but her eyes hooded by pain. She looked even smaller than usual, wrapped in clothes that clearly weren't hers and hugging herself while glancing around. She smiled a bit as she saw me, but her heart was clearly not into it. I moved to hug her, to try to comfort her about what happened just a few days ago, and she went limp in my arms, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. "W-why me?" she managed to sob out, before turning into an unintelligible mess. I gently guided her towards the couch as I rubbed her shoulder soothingly, but survivor's guilt is hard to let go. We just sat there for a long time, entwined together, until well after she stopped crying, while I repeated her it wasn't her fault. I, too, wept with her, thinking I could have lost her that day, thinking about how my life was now beholden to an alien entity - but those tears rapidly dried up as I dredged up my determination to make things better, my happiness at still having her by my side. At some point she snuggled into me, her breath becoming slower, as she fell asleep. I just laid there, my eyes open as I stared at the white ceiling, not really seeing it - fire and blood and broken, twisted bodies dancing in my mind's eye. Kiuubey didn't bother me that night, nor the day after that, and I didn't bother with it, despite the creeping darkness that threatened to engulf my Soul Gem. "You'll need to find a Grief Seed soon, Francesca." came its telepathic voice as I slipped out of the door to my bedroom, leaving the love of my life alone with her nightmares. "I know." I simply replied, the door to our house clicking after me. I transformed, my black suit replacing the battered hoodie and sweatpants I was wearing, and stepped out in the cold winter air, the dirty snow crunching under my heeled shoes, and jumped. Ignoring the cold as the wind battered me was easy, even as frost formed in my hair, and I hopped from rooftop to rooftop across the city, until I found what I was looking for. Two bodies laid on the ground of an unlit alley, a sprinkling of snow covering them, but the marks on their bodies weren't faded yet. I felt a pang of guilt at not being able to save them, but swiftly squashed it - I could beat myself over it after destroying the Witch that killed them. The Witch's Barrier wasn't far away, partially hidden behind an overflowing dumpster, a scarlet distortion pulsing in midair. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and stepped through it. The smell of iron instantly assaulted my nostrils and I almost retched, before once again taking control of my body. The corridor stretched for miles, hundreds and thousand of doors opening in its walls, blood seeping from under them. Screams echoed at irregular intervals, intermingled with muffled sobs. I turned and, sword in hand, I started to walk down the corridor to where the Witch should live. Doors slammed open as I passed by them and the witch familiars - bloody, dirty bundles of money in the shape of human bodies with the head of a doll - poured out. Almost bored, I slashed my way through them, thankful for the fact the corridor was not large enough to let them assault me in mass. I walked enough that my legs should have hurt, but I reached the Witch's chamber. She stood tall, an immense and yet sickly thin body, faceless but with long, flowing tresses, trading blows with another Magical Girl. Her red wedding dress was ripped in places, a sleeve missing to show her right arm, mangled. I quickly jumped against the wall to meet the back of her head, but her black hair whipped around and wrapped around my limbs, pinning me down and trying to pull me apart. I struggled against it without much luck, then manifesting four sword, cutting me free. I jumped again, but not before slashing the Witch. My sword, able to cut through metal, nevertheless just opened a shallow cut in her neck. Blood oozed out of it, but I realized this fight wasn't going to end anytime soon. #shared

I Wish I Had Someone !! It’s like everything in this world here; Has turned its back on my side. And I’m all by myself here, On this roller coaster ride. Flowing emotions, Hitting like the waves of an ocean, And it is not for the first time I got my heart broken. Still, I left my pain unspoken! But yeah, I’m all by myself here, With no one to hold on to. I wish I had someone, to comfort me and keep holding tight. They came and changed like the weather, I felt the warmth of their arms, needed no sweater, now these days Even the summer feels like the damn freezing winter. I’m all by myself here. No one at all to hold on to. I wish I had someone, to comfort me and keep holding tight. It’s like all the debt I paid till now, wasn’t ever enough, Stuck between my soul and mind. Can’t listen to my heart and Now it’s getting rough, There’s no one around to give me the peace I wish to find. Beautiful, gorgeous, aesthetic, ayy, the compliments made me mad, I don’t know why I am being so sad. Don’t know what this all is, but it is really really bad. I’m all by myself here. No one to hold on to. I wish I had someone, to comfort me and keep holding tight. They never meant what they said, Hurt me like hell and left me dead, I can’t see any shining ray. I’m all by myself here, No one to hold on to (yeah) I wish I had someone, to comfort me and keep holding tight. I wish I had someone… I wish I had someone…. I wish I had someone to comfort me and keep holding tight! Hold me, hold me, tighten the grip. Don’t go, don’t go, stay with me. Yeah, there’s no one, It's just a sweet dream. I still wish I had someone, To comfort me and keep holding tight! #shared

cry if you want to (sad slowed songs)

are you in pain ? (slowed down songs)

Taste of cherry (1997)

16 Warning signs someone’s Depression is setting in... 1. They’re more quiet than usual 2. The use the excuse “I’m tired” a lot 3. They tend to loose their appetite 4. They avoid eye contact 5. They want to be alone a lot 6. They smile for a moment but go back to a blank expression afterwards 7. They struggle to stay engaged in conversation 8. They’ve become emotionally distanced 9. They’ve become apathetic about things they’d normally be engaged in 10. They have big mood swings 11. They avoid making future plans 12. They have difficulty concentrating 13. They start talking about bleakly things 14. They start giving “short” responses 15. They get irritable with “little things” 16. Changed in their eating and sleeping patterns If someone close to you is showing possible depression signs, please talk to them. It isn’t always clear how someone is feeling on the inside so don’t just instantly assume, but ask!

I never know how to explain depression to someone. It’s so different for everyone and comes in so many different forms. Some people describe their depression as a weight that holds them down, ever-present and demanding of their time. Others describe it as a shadow that looms in the back of your mind, always taunting and jabbing and trying to tear you down. Some days, you just have thicker skin. And then sometimes, depression is described like drowning. It’s wading in an ocean of poison and barely catching your breath before you’re dragged back under.  I am always fighting this constant battle with myself. I may smile and laugh and seem happy, but know that, somewhere, in the back of my mind I'm struggling. The happy interludes, the in-between where the weight doesn’t feel as heavy, are simply vacations from the reality that is my depression. It makes me feel like a failure, no matter my successes. I feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me. That life isn’t beating me, no way. I’m too stubborn for that. I have to pretend that there isn’t some rabid animal inside of me, clawing to get its grip around my throat and snuff out my life.  People who don’t have depression don’t understand. But they can still be there for people like me. When they say something that scares you, don’t yell. Don’t get angry because you don’t comprehend how their mind works. My mind is a scary place. I shouldn’t need to open up and spill my darkness for your compassion.  

"I wanna go back to that whole not being born that whole nothingness that was me not here I wanna take a trip back there"

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