በመንገዴ

🖤

This!

ያቤጽም፣ “አቤቱ፤ እንድትባርከኝ፣ ግዛቴንም እንድታሰፋልኝ እለምንሃለሁ፤ እጅህ ከእኔ ጋር ትሁን፤ ከሥቃይና ከጕዳትም ጠብቀኝ” በማለት ወደ እስራኤል አምላክ ጮኸ። እግዚአብሔርም የለመነውን ሰጠው። 1 ዜና መዋዕል 4:10 NASV

ስለነገ ማን ይሆን ቃል የገባልን? መኖራችንን ሳናውቅ እንደዚህ በሀሳብ የምንናጠው?

"ሁለት ወደኋላ አንድ ተራምዶ የምሄድ መስዬ ያየሁ ማዶ አደናቀፈኝ ያላየሁት ነዶ ህልሙም ጠፋብኝ ያየሁት ድሮ ለውጬው ይሆናል........."

Last year around this time I posted this: When my brother finally decided to struggle his way out of his mental illness he planted a tree. The worst part about mental illness is everything you worked hard for could fall into pieces any moment. A minor inconvenience could make you go zero any day at any moment leaving vivid images of how long you have come. I guess what my brother wanted to be reminded of is how long he has come. That even if he was oblivious to all the changes that another life that started its pace with him is still breathing. I guess he wanted to see in the survival of the plant that "one step forward three steps back" or " not wanting to eat or drink or be a human somedays" is still growth. That despite what his head says he is still breathing. And that it is enough. This week I planted a flower. It has an effect እውነት!

I watched a movie today called "love at first sight". Don't worry its not as bad as it sounds. Actually it was a great movie. what I am here to do though isn't rate the movie or give critics about it but rather talk about a sentence mentioned in the movie which is an excerpt from a book called "our mutual friend" which says "Is it better to have had experienced something and lost it than to not have had experienced it at all?" This has been a major thought in my head for the past few months as I am faced with a decision regarding this. Most of the thought emanating from the pain of losing what is extremely cherished. I keep having a conversation with this person in my head asking them "Is it better to not have known you to begin with than to face the pain of losing you?" and each part of me answers my own question saying "I would experience the loss again and again just to experience loving you again and again in different lifetimes across different time zones and different areas." and no part of that answer is sweetened to somehow create a beautiful writing out of this. I also cannot seem to stop thinking that a goodbye whether prepared for or not is still the most painful thing one can ever experience. One can never be too prepared for grief that it eventually doesn't hurt.

Memory is a strange thing. It foesn't work like i thought it did. We are so bound by time....by its order...but now i am not so sure i believe in beginnings and endings. There are days that define your story beyond your life.

Today "Ok I have dealt with it it has been a long time and I am fine now" ያልኩት ነገር አንድ ሰው carelessly በተናገረው ንግግር as if time hasn't passed made me ache again. I Found this on tiktok later on. It was a perfect timing. Maybe you need it too.

"እሺ በልና ግን ዛሬን ብቻ ልድከም....... ....... .......ዛሬን ግን እንቢ አትበል “እሺ” በል ይልቅስ ትንሽ እንባ ላፍስስ ትንሽ ብቻ ላልቅስ" What my heart constantly utters these days.

I am still learning how to.

“I have to remind myself to breathe sometimes” The Bear S2. E4