Benjamin Zulu Global

If you want to make a wrong decision, consult everyone. It's the surest way to infuse you with confusion and conflicting ideas while the deadline for the decision is approaching. Either the opportunity will expire before you seize it or you will scuttle the chance by taking a very wide shot. The reason we over consult is because of having a very low opinion of our own judgement. If you trust your decision you will know the few people whose input will ads value while still maintaining relative confidentiality and integrity of your personal decisions. In short, if you feel the impulse to ask everyone for validation and direction, focus your attention on correcting your low self esteem. Find out what injured your confidence and unlearn the fear.

Be wary of people who constantly keep an eye on what you're doing but they never compliment you when you succeed or offer support when you need it. They're monitoring spirits who are intensely envious of you and they're looking in order to either steal your ideas or comfort themselves that you're not doing better than them. As soon as you notice it you must shut the doors and deny them the view to your life. You may catch them having accidentally liked your post from long ago or you notice that they always view your posts without responding. Or you may conduct your own counter surveillance when you suspect their spying. Although for a while they may be harmless, information is power and at some point they may hurt you badly. They may become overwhelmed by your progress and they launch a smear campaign that may damage your reputation. Ignoring is often not enough. You have to take proactive self protective action.

Sometimes working too hard at your job suggests that you have no life at home. You're escaping. And instead of attracting recognition and rewards you often attract exploitation. You see, predators stalk the limping prey, because it makes for an easy catch. When people notice that you're unsettled in your personal life they try to use you. They overwork you and take your work for their credit. The can see that you work a lot but you're not happy or confident. You cannot speak up for yourself and you give too much of yourself unnecessarily. Better to seek healing directly instead of burying yourself in work. Confront the issue that makes you uncomfortable alone or at home. Learn to appear to have a life instead of being always available and creating a pace you can't sustain because you're taking up time from your personal life.

Sometimes the lesson is found in allowing people to feel the impact of their own actions. Not jumping in to save them or clean up their mess. You can become an unwitting enabler of the very behaviour you want to see people stop if you don't reign in on your instincts to help. It may be uncomfortable to do but you must let people get to their rock bottom so that they can feel it and decide to change. If you see that someone doesn't understand or appreciate what you're trying to save them from this is your only option. To actually let them plunge in the discomfort of their own creation and hope they survive it. This too, is compassion.

Sometimes you may look at your children and feel the deep affinity because they're your children. But the person you got them with is a total stranger. You have nothing in common and you live for very different things. It's impossible to work as a team and even accomplishing one small task together is a headache. When you remember how you ended up with them you feel like you were asleep and you've just woken up. Even when finances and opportunities are ripe for a strategic move for the family, the amount of coaxing and persuading you have to do before you can make a move is sickening. For the years you've been with them progress has slowed down to a crawl and even in some areas you've moved backwards. Yet you persevere to spare your children the trauma of a breakup and having to fight to just access them. It's a catch-22 situation because the more you stay the more you're stressed and pulled backwards, but leaving is another pain as well. You often ponder the decision but then you back off and buy more time hoping for some miraculous improvement. But nothing happens. Solution? The only way to cure a boil is to prick it. Sometimes you have to wait for the right timing until the boil is 'ripe' but still the whole thing is sore and painful. The wait is not a cure but a necessary step which cannot be prolonged forever. For as long as you live with a boil of a marriage you'll never move normally. You'll be limping and sitting in funny positions because you have a hidden problem. You can either muster the courage to conduct the surgery and create an alternative environment for your children or you can continue hesitating and watching your life pass under the bridge. And remember your children won't be children forever. If you let them soak in that sick union as the model for marriage how do you expect their own marriages to be any better?

Your self respect has to be stronger than your feelings, or else you'll find yourself putting up with people who insult your dignity just because you like them. You have to decide that the way people treat you will inform your decisions more than how much you like them. You must respect yourself enough to set high standards for your relationships. And to decide that when people force you to choose between your wellbeing and them, they will lose every time. You'd rather adjust your life to their absence than lower your standards to accommodate their disrespect.

Stop waiting for 'a year or two' after disappointments before you can try dating again. That's too slow and you will run out of time. Remember your generational dating window is just about 5 years. Of course you can still date and marry later, but it'll be ten times harder because your age group will have left the stage. Sometimes those rejections are really stepping stones to your true mate, and you shouldn't allow them to stop you. Once you've come to that season of settling, brace for anything and carry an accepting attitude. If someone leaves or red flags emerge and you need to let them go, do it graciously. Of course you'll hurt emotionally because you're human and you had hopes, but you must maintain a posture of assurance that everything is adding together for you. With this resilient attitude you can get back on feet immediately and seize the next opportunity as opposed to getting discouraged and shutting down for a prolonged period.

top waiting for 'a year or two' after disappointments before you can try dating again. That's too slow and you will run out of time. Remember your generational dating window is just about 5 years. Of course you can still date and marry later, but it'll be ten times harder because your age group will have left the stage. Sometimes those rejections are really stepping stones to your true mate, and you shouldn't allow them to stop you. Once you've come to that season of settling, brace for anything and carry an accepting attitude. If someone leaves or red flags emerge and you need to let them go, do it graciously. Of course you'll hurt emotionally because you're human and you had hopes, but you must maintain a posture of assurance that everything is adding together for you. With this resilient attitude you can get back on feet immediately and seize the next opportunity as opposed to getting discouraged and shutting down for a prolonged period.

The older I get, the more I appreciate people who are straight forward and clear about their intentions. I don't have time for guessing.

Sometimes you just need to go underground for a while and low-key focus on yourself. Have at lest one lazy day or an afternoon per week where you're not running. The speed of modern day life where we're working both online and offline, with social media updates and news feed can place a constant demand for attention and sweep you away from your emotional base. When you begin to feel unhinged or moody perhaps your mind has become too stuffed and it's time to unplug and refresh. We all know that many electronic gadgets will function well if you disconnect and reconnect them and our souls are the same. Resist the idea that to succeed in life you must always be hustling and running. Embrace the truth that your systems also need to be shut down to cool off.

If you give them too much, too often, they'll forget that it's a privilege and begin to think it's a given. If you don't moderate your generosity you'll get taken for granted, and it'll be doubly painful because you'll suffer twice: the pain of the sacrifice and the pain of the ingratitude. Good natured people like you who believe in humanity and helping others are the most vulnerable, for the obvious reason that the tree that has much fruit will face vandalism the most. You should not mistake unconditional love with unappreciated love. Even the Model Man paid the ultimate price of being subjected to a cruel and unfair murder in order to rescue his friends, but many are still not appreciating it. They even call him a non-entity, a nobody and dismiss him as 'religious beliefs,' or peripheral, debatable subject. Do you think he's going ahead to visit hell a second time, or to die again for them? No. Once they turn him down and leave this realm, his effort to salvage them 'ceases forever.' Even you, stop dying multiple times for people. Be generous but don't be exploitable. Most importantly, don't allow past friendships and blood relations to justify misuse.

Never keep someone in your life who tried to destroy you when they were angry. You need someone who cares about you in all states of mind. If there are times they don't care about you, you're not safe with them. Those are the times they will destroy you. Be forgiving but don't be condoning. You forgive human weaknesses, but you don't condone character flaws. The people who you invite into the inside of your life should be integral and coherent. If they're unpredictable and potentially explosive, what's the wisdom in installing them in your life. Nobody is perfect, you say. And the same is true about houses. No house is perfect, but the house must have structural integrity enough to ensure the safety of those who stay in it. If it has cracks in fundamental places like the floor or pillars, or if it's tilted to the side, authorities will mark it as unsafe for human occupation. Stop inhabiting people who have cracks in their character. You're risking your life.

The longer you entertain what's not meant for you...the longer you postpone what is.

Sometimes it's the woman who introduces the idea of 50-50. She's the one who trains the man to be evasive and dodgy. She unknowingly splits headship with him thinking she's just playing team. But how? Early on when the two have just gotten married, there's a lot of zeal and good will between them, to teamwork and build their family. There are no children yet and responsibilities are fairly small. So, if she's working she easily offers to pay half of their bills to ease the burden on the man. There's no problem with a woman helping, because that's one reason she gets married anyway. But the problem is the position from which she's helping. It should always be behind the man. This dividing of the roles down the middle brings a 'parallel arrangement' of sorts, and it's a bad precedent especially if the man is the kind that can take advantage of his wife's innocence. A man of character can never get comfortable when his wife is doing his duties. She will be giving her help but the man remains the overall oversight. He cannot lie on a sofa while she's out there dealing with landlords and shylocks. Even if he was temporarily down financially, he will hurry up to get back in charge. He only feels comfortable and aligned when he is in front. In summary, you can train people to be lazy if you take up too much of their work. As the family grows the duties of the woman increase with arrival of children and expansion of the family to include workers, bigger house, etc. Managing the home is now more demanding on the woman and if you had already tied yourself with a fifty-fifty arrangement you'll be overwhelmed. Just help without leaving your position. Do not over promise or over commit. How to get out of the trap if you're already in? Just stop. Simply state that you had overstepped and you're going back to your position. You got married to be a helper, not a co-leader. Give what you are getting at that point in your life and let him deal with the bills directly. Remember you already have another full time job at home and your earning job comes as a second job, which is always affected by that first one.

Some people will honor and treasure you only until they marry you. After you become a couple they begin to assume you. They think the marriage has locked you to them and there's nowhere you can go. Whereas they used to look forward to seeing you and your conversations were regular and deep, now they shut you out of their life. They avoid being home and when they're home they keep themselves busy on phone or watching the TV. They pretend that nothing has changed or they use their job as a cover. You can tell that you're no longer important to them and you're more of a social prop to give them the status of being married. To them you're a thing. They disregard your needs and your feelings. Solution? Get angry. Very angry at how they conned you into their life only to lock you in a cage called marriage. Next, surprise them. They're playing their cards using society to guilt trip you into staying. They know if you tell friends and family they won't get it and they'll tell you to bear with the situation. That 'all marriages have issues.' But you're not that dumb not to tell a difference between genuine differences of opinions and someone taking you for granted. You know this is conscious behaviour on your partner's part and you want nothing to do with it. You got married for companionship and for friendship throughout life, not these sick traps and mind games. They think you're too afraid to disappoint people after the wedding you did or the ceremonies you did. They hope you're a coward. Solution? Shock them. Sever the cord at once and live your life happily. If anyone asks you tell them you'd rather be happy alone than slowly dying in an empty shell called marriage. More importantly, these people who act moody and distant in the house are usually the life of the party out there. They're happy out there and dry in the house. Who do they take you for? Their social backdrop? Or a mat to walk on? Refuse!

One lady reported that some guy got so in love with her that despite her telling him categorically that she was not interested he wouldn't back down. He would call incessantly with different numbers which she kept blocking and finally he traced her workplace and began to wait for her at the gate. The appalling thing, and which I brought this up to warn you against, is that when she asked her friends they suggested for her to 'give him a chance'!! How on earth? Just how ignorant and misled can people be? Obsessed people and terrorists have one thing in common: they can sacrifice their own life to achieve their goal of destroying what they cannot control. Normal people will have a sense of dignity and pride. There are things they cannot do just to pursue a person. If they love you they will invest effort to get your attention, like travelling long distances or trying to contact you over a long period of time. They can also buy time and show up in your life after the time you requested has lapsed. But healthy people always give you space and respect. They're persistent but they're not pestering or nagging. They don't try to force their way into your life. These are signs, not of love but of getting possessed by the thought of having you. These people have no sense of worth in themselves. They don't think they can love someone else and they see you as an extension of themselves. Whereas a healthy person will feel pain when you reject them and decide to seek love elsewhere, pathological people behave like they're drugged. Do you know where the word 'assassin' came from? It morphed from the term hashashin meaning drugged, an arabic word which was used to describe a group of radical revolutionaries in Isfahan, present day Iran. They were so devoted to their cause that they would kill members of the government which they fighting against, and happily surrender to be executed themselves. It was almost an achievement to die after killing their target. And this is precisely the deadly element of people who are obsessed with you: they're drugged. Scientists say infatuation has the same degree of influence on human brain as coccaine. Usually these people have built you up as an angel in their mind and what they're pursuing is not the real you but an illusory image of you. They're unable to let go and if you allow them into your life and want to leave later they can easily kill you. These are the people who exterminate their families in a horrible fashion. Also, they're intensely insecure and a mere thought that you might be with someone will have them over reacting. These are the people who say they would rather die than live without you. That's not love but obsession. And if someone doesn't value their own life, are you safe with them? Never again entertain an assassin.

Why high value men don't chase? Because he only wants a serious woman like himself, and serious people have no time to play games. They communicate their mind without engaging in hide-and-seek. Nothing puts off a high value man like a woman who doesn't seem to have a deeper purpose to her life apart from playing dating games. You should be fairly straight forward in your interactions, partly because you don't have time to waste since you have a life going on. A man of character will also lose interest and stop seeking after you when you give all of yourself so easily. It shows that you lack strong personal boundaries and he wonders how many people have gone there with you before? Lastly, high value men don't chase because they know they have what you need, what a good woman wants. He has worked on himself too much to be insecure and anxious. He's confident that his value will one day meet someone who appreciates it. The reason cheap men get obsessed with you and run after you everywhere is because they know they don't deserve you. They got you by a fluke and if you go they can't get someone else like you. Obsession is a confession of unworthiness, not love. They use threats and intimidation to keep you because they know they have no life without you. Never entertain an obsessed person because they will suffocate you. High value men never obsess. They want a person whose self worth resonates with their own.