A Pen For Pain

Found this in my notes and felt like sharing it after a long time of not posting

I can never talk enough about the beaut of a child’s mind not the teenage years but the pure form of a child capable of many things, growing up i went to a catholic school with catholic church inside the compound and even when i belonged to different religion, the little girl i used to be never failed to go to the church every morning. with little to no notion about the concept of God i went in every morning and did the routines, and those 10 minute sessions before school still remains to be my favorite feeling to this day, now the routines were basic after arriving to school a maximum of 4 or 5 of us obviously girls goes into the church then we will dip our hands in the holy waters at the gate , now another thing i remember well is the aroma inside the temple it was how i imagined heaven will smell like, rays would come in the colorful windows and there was majestic statues of saints on every corner, for an 11 year old it was clear the temple is an exact replica of heaven, enjoying the heavenly smell and view we would walk in and find a sit we usually kneel and do our prayers i doubt none of us actually prayed but once everyone finishes their “prayer” the fun begins! We would look around we would look up we would look down there was so much to look but so little time, the candles lit up in a row in front of the big virgin Mary drawing was the peak of it all, now wait this is were the real story begins the root for all this narration i just did is the candles! The candles we used to take out with our bare hands, the fire we swished our fingers through and not feel the slightest burn all because we were all convinced if hands are dipped in the holy water at the gate no fire would harm you, in fact you can take out a candle by pinching the fire between your thumb and index finger, this is the peak of the story I’m trying to tell, the faith of a child that believed in the “if this then that”. now back then it was nothing but now as a 21 year old i could go back to that same old church dip my hands in the holy water but i can never bring myself to touch a flaming fire, 10 years have passed and i don’t remember where i lost my unshakable faith or my inner child that was not afraid to take out a fire, i couldn’t remember the very first time i overthought about something because 10 years ago there wasn’t a single bone in me that thought what if i get burned, there wasn’t a single doubt in me when i ran around with my friends taking out every candle in sight, and as i sat writing all of this i wondered when did i stop being that child ? How did that girl i used to be got replaced with this one that plays out all the things that could go wrong ?

Don’t be the person who hears what they want to hear, don’t read between the lines and trick yourself into thinking they are into you. The mind portrays situations in ways that’s comfortable to it , it creates scenarios blur out signs and highlight what it wants to see do not fall for your ego that avoids rejection at all cost. Outsmart your inner self that’s refusing to believe its not wanted.

I once read on a book "if the world was devoid of human life inhabited by animals and plants, it wouldn't have past and future" making the entire concept of time meaningless and I wondered maybe we can survive without the time that keep causing us burden and suffering. if we prirotize our now instead of dwelling on our past or hooked on the future we have zero control over, maybe then we would find the happiness we seek everywhere, there is an ancient drawing of cronus the time of god clipping the wings of cupid the whole painting unravel itself into time being the one true enemy of love. I've claimed time as an illusion as I refuse to acknowledge the power it has over my life for its just a perception. But no really time is an illusion its a state of mind, it doesn't correspond to a physical reality the past doesn't exist, so why bother define someone with their past perhaps I don't need to know about someones past if I have them right now in the present, i shouldn't wonder about my future with someone if I already have a beautiful human being already in front of me but how do you tell someone their past doesn't matter to you because it no longer exists. How do you introduce someone to the concept of presentism. Or how the world doesn't have a variable for the time in the past . As I learn more about the nothingness of time I realized I no longer want to invest myself in the past or in the future, for no good ever comes out of it. Some say people against the concept of time are those who have been wronged by time or those who suffered loss, or those patiently waiting for time to give them what their heart desires, I don't believe I belong in this categories though I merely believe time is a human made concept,  but then again unexpected  realization hit me as I wrote all this nonsense the only thing that lingered in my mind was hours and minutes away from here there exists the someone I want to convince the past and the future doesn't exist and the someone I want to be in the present with. And I figured I may have held too much grudge against time for its a thief that placed someone so far away from me too much grudge that I denied it its existence. @Afomia_Admasu

You Feel like home yet you are far away Used to you though you never stay Cologne i dont know but miss and know in my heart Presence I never felt but crave hopelessly A laugh i never heard that warms my heart with the thought of it The butterflies i felt without looking into your eyes The vows i wrote, for you to read someday @healyourpain

I stopped writing for a while for reasons i myself didnt know either, for so long i thought it was because i've gotten better or because the sadness that was once my muse was no longer there, i thought it was the perfect excuse, lies! One thing im good at is lying to myself , in an odd way im easy to lie to , but eventually i learned i stopped writing because i identify as the girl who sabotages everything that attempts to be a good thing for me, this might be slightly concerning but let's focus on the part where I identified the problem , the first step to problem solving. So darlings I'm here to say there is a chance I'm back to writing 😌 no promises though, promises are actually suffocating and I don't like suffocation. @Afomia_Admasu