憂鬱

unlike the masses, intellectuals have a taste for rationality and interest in facts. their critical habit of mind makes them resistant to the kind of propaganda that works so well on the majority.

i do not fear death. i had been dead for billions and billions of years before i was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

my life swings like a pendulum backward and forward b/w pain and boredom.

people settle for a level of despair they can tolerate and call it happiness.

an intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

living is a nightmare and not pursuing anything that life has to offer will be the ultimate source of purposeful existence.

the knowledge that life is worthless is the flower of all human wisdom.

ive a contempt for humanity. i despise those who have had the misfortune of being my contemporaries. i feel suffocated by their filthy breath.

better to do nothing than to engage in localized acts whose ultimate function is to make the system run smoother (acts like providing the space for the multitude of new subjectivities, etc.) the threat today is not passivity, but pseudo activity, the urge to 'be active', to 'participate', to mask the nothingness of what goes on.

everything in the world displeases me but above all, my displeasure in everything displeases me.

in my mind, ive started referring to other people as 'the humans'.

i know there is, in everyone a part of loneliness that no one can reach. there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. people so tired mutilated either by love or no love. people just are not good to each other one on one. the rich are not good to the rich the poor are not good to the poor. we are afraid. our educational system tells us that we can all be bigass winners. it hasnt told us about the gutters or the suicides or the terror of one person aching in one place alone untouched unspoken to watering a plant.

there are always reasons for murdering a man. on the contrary it is impossible to justify his living.

i do not fear death i will pass away sooner than most people who read this but that doesnt shake my sense of wonder and joy. death is not scary its where we will end up that is.

if ive got to suffer, it may as well be at your hands, your pretty hands.

in loving me you hold a knife at my throat. in loving you i tell you exactly where to cut.

even if i am not worthy of heaven i hope i am not deserving of hell either.

get married. have children. festivals together. shit i couldnt take that. i rather murder myself. for me, this is the sickest of all sick things.

almost all people are dumb. the more i think of humanity, the less i want to think of them.

saying yes when you're aching to say no. apologizing to someone who owes you the apology. digging your heels in deeper when you know y're the one in the wrong. over explaining your truth to someone who stopped listening a long time ago. romanticizing the bare minimum. begging for basic decency. chasing people who do not want to be caught. building a life based on what you think looks good but not on what actually feels good. ignoring your intuition. ignoring your body. ignoring your needs. contorting and bending and breaking to fit in places you know y've outgrown. not allowing time for deep rest. running on fumes. staying quiet when someone disrespects you. refusing to allow what already is. lying to yourself. never asking for help. never taking a chance on yourself. never living up to your own word. celebrating those who only tolerate you. wishing you were someone else.