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پستهای کانال
| 2 |  A pro-Ukrainian account just posted a picture of Tim Curry from Command and Conquer Red Alert and claimed that he was a Russian general that was KIA | 60 |
| 3 |  بدون متن... | 42 |
| 4 |  بدون متن... | 62 |
| 5 |  بدون متن... | 61 |
| 6 | "Sup, Dvach. I am no longer a slave to food and I want to share this with you.
All of you, normies and supermarket cuckolds, spend 15–20k a month on food just to shit your salary down the toilet. I haven't bought groceries for four months. My daily diet consists of one and a half rolls of grey toilet paper (the cheapest kind, I live in Naberezhnye Chelny), a glass of oak sawdust, and water.
This isn't some kind of trolling and I'm not schizo. I spent several months studying biological research and arrived at this, so if there are any biologists on Dvach, they will easily confirm everything below.
I will use biological terms; feel free to Google them if you're not lazy, but overall it's not required.
Basically: since school, you've been told your whole life that the appendix is a vestigial organ. Bullshit. It's a stopped bioreactor, literally. In herbivores (cows, beavers, koalas), cellulose fermentation happens in the cecum. In humans, this process simply went into sleep mode due to thermal food processing. And well, I woke it up.
But logistics here are insanely important. You can't just go and eat a newspaper; you'll just die of volvulus (twisted intestines). You must do this strictly according to science, which I'll lay out now. Again, biologists on Dvach, please confirm so dumbasses don't call me schizo.
1. Microflora
Our intestines lack bacteria capable of breaking down lignin and cellulose. I solved this problem. I ordered a colony of Madagascar hissing cockroaches on Avito (they eat wood). I blended them, filtered the mucus from their guts, and sealed it into dense capsules made of beeswax. Wax is needed so stomach acid doesn't dissolve the bacteria, allowing them to travel safely right to the large intestine. I swallowed these capsules for a week.
2. Mechanical Processing
Humans don't have flat teeth to grind wood fibers like cows do. So, we take toilet paper, tear it into pieces, and throw it into a blender with water. Most importantly: you must add exactly one and a half tablespoons of fine river sand. Why? Ever studied bird anatomy? They have a gizzard in their stomach containing stones to grind seeds. The sand acts like a micro-millstone in your GI tract, turning cellulose into a fine-particle slurry. Without sand, you'll hit absolute bowel obstruction.
3. POSTURE (THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT DO NOT SKIP)
The moment you drink this cellulose smoothie, you are NOT allowed to walk or sit. It is vital that you lie on your right side, placing a rolled-up blanket under your pelvis so it is elevated at an angle of exactly 15 degrees.
Why? Because the ileocecal valve (the valve between the small and large intestines) is located on the right side. This heavy cellulose mass must flow slowly via gravity at the correct angle directly into your appendix and cecum. If you lie on your left side, the mass goes straight through, wild fermentation starts in the colon, pressure builds up, and you literally burst from the inside out and die. You must lie on your right side for at least an hour and a half to start the whole process.
So what's the profit, you ask?
First, wood fermentation is an exothermic process (meaning it releases heat, you uneducated fools). My baseline body temperature now stays at 39.2°C (102.5°F). I spent the entire winter wearing a single thin windbreaker. In the cold, steam blasts off me like a heating main pipe. I sleep without a blanket with the window wide open—I am a walking furnace.
Second, I no longer shit regular crap. On the outlet, I produce perfectly dry, densely compressed rectangular bricks. No bad smell at all. Texture and scent-wise, it's pure particleboard. I'm stacking them on my balcony right now and plan to assemble a hallway shelf unit out of them by summer.
Third, my sweat changed its chemical composition. I constantly smell like freshly cut coniferous wood. When I was in Moscow, girls in the subway were actually sniffing around, thinking it was some wood-scented Tom Ford perfume or something, but it's just birch buds oozing out of me.
The only downside to my evolution is that during cellulose breakdown, the bacteria release pure methane. Farting in enclosed rooms with an open flame is strictly forbidden.
Yesterday I flicked a lighter in the kitchen while simultaneously letting out a silent one. A pretty substantial explosion occurred, burning my curtains and singing my eyebrows to hell... Now I only vent gas outdoors, and the sound is like opening a valve on a gas pipeline.
Again, biologists confirm, so the anons don't type away with their fingers calling me schizo.
There will be no proofs or photos of particleboard shit, because I don't give a fuck whether you believe me or not. While you eat discounted sausages packed with chemicals and GMOs while working for the toilet, I have already evolved to a higher level." | 55 |
| 7 |  بدون متن... | 55 |
| 8 |  بدون متن... | 131 |
| 9 |  بدون متن... | 101 |
| 10 |  بدون متن... | 110 |
| 11 |  New York (and pretty much every other major city) now, but soon every city in the entire West | 106 |
| 12 |  بدون متن... | 100 |
| 13 |  بدون متن... | 98 |
| 14 |  بدون متن... | 102 |
| 15 |  بدون متن... | 103 |
| 16 |  بدون متن... | 109 |
| 17 |  بدون متن... | 107 |
| 18 | Look what they took from us | 106 |
| 19 |  Happy Tuesday | 119 |
| 20 | https://x.com/osakajayms/status/2092107327348367564?s=52 | 106 |
