Abstract Thoughts

I do not know what I am doing. If anyone wondered or wanted to ask how I do the things I do, I would have no answer. Nothing makes sense anymore. People tell me what I ought to do, but their words never fill the gaping hole in my chest, a hollow space crammed with unanswered questions and unsolved problems. I pretend it does not bother me, but it does, like a leaky faucet, its quiet drip echoing through a silent house. Like the ticking of a watch or the rhythm of a heartbeat. You do not notice these sounds until the world quiets down. When the external noise fades, the internal orchestra begins. The external is easier to silence, but the sounds from within the whispers of my soul they refuse to be muffled. Who can calm a restless soul? Who can sing her a lullaby so she might find rest, so she might know peace? I do not know the answers. I know only this: What I do not know towers over what I do. I exist with questions, questioning existence itself. The ground beneath my feet, the air in my lungs, the body that encases me flesh, bone, nerves, a brain protected by a fragile skull. Everything I am and everything I do not understand presses against me. *efx*

someone cooked here

No feeling is final. As comforting as this sentence can be, it can also be terrifying. Because when you realize it applies to happy feelings too, Eventhough it whispers "This too shall pass" It begins to echo louder consoling you in suffering. But when the supposed suffering is gone, And when joy and happiness arrive, it reminds you, if that horrible time and pain passed, what proof do you have that this joy will stay? The rule is clear, NOTHING IS FINAL But perhaps that is what gives life meaning. If nothing lasts forever, why not savor it while it’s here? Why not take the best from joy and happiness while they last? Dance, live, laugh, love. Yet, as comforting as this sentence might seem, you are reminded again, suffering awaits, lurking behind the doors of joy, patient, ready to be felt and endured, ready to undo you. Ready to ruin you But ruined.... is not who you will be. Suffering will teach you. You’ll call it "part of life." Still, let’s not pretend, it will test you beyond your breaking point. "Kintsugi," broken but mended with gold, the gold you find in your ruins. Stronger now, more beautiful than before. Perhaps that is why Rainer Maria Rilke said, "Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." Inspired by the movie Jojo rabbit Carmentologist

I am lost again I am lost again, too many crossroads, way too many roundabouts. I keep making the wrong turns, missing my exit. I am lost at sea, my compass is broken—north is south, east is west. Only the wind knows my heading. I am lost at night, unable to navigate the stars, the darkness, the shadows always in my path. I am lost to my own will, a slave to my carnal desires. No backbone, no self-control; a gluttonous monster, devouring it all. I am lost to respect, for the person I have become. What makes me human if I don’t think? What separates me from an animal? I envy them; at least they have instincts. They fight to survive when seasons change, but I lay down, wishing to die on a cloudy day. I am lost in my head, my thoughts too loud, my mistakes on replay. Rarely does something good run through my mind; when it does, I remember the good days, and I am haunted by the thought: "That will never happen again." I am lost to my own voice, wanting to drown it out, to push all my thoughts off a cliff. Maybe, in the silence, I’ll find peace. I am lost to myself, with a name that doesn’t sound familiar. I look at my reflection, and all I see is a stranger staring back at me. *efx*

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” *Theodore Roosevelt* Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

You move me I dance with the trees in my head, As the wind blows east towards the sun. Brushing against their leaves, I hear them sing, Rattling as they sway back and forth, Waving, greeting one another. I feel the clouds hovering, Giants in the sky, floating, Searching for a thirsty soul. The wind aids in their quest, Pushing them to fly faster. They gather to cover the sky, Smiling like lightning, laughing like thunder. When they find a thirsty soul, They forget their heavy weight, They forget their darkness. As they cry, they water the ground, Bringing smiles to children, and adults to frown. I watch the sun slowly part through the clouds, Joy coming with the morning. I feel her warmth as she smiles, Kind and fair as she shines her light, Chasing away the gloomy shadows, Revealing secrets kept in the dark, Gently ushering in the glorious day. You are my wind, lifting me when I am still, My clouds, pouring life when I run dry, My sun, driving out darkness, lighting my way. In every season, you are my strength, My calm in the storm, my hope at daybreak. *efx*

Hello Yellow My Anti-Mellow Friend You faced the storm of gray within And came out shining with a smile no storm could erase But this smile oh this smile it’s no easy feat It’s not a mask to hide the shadows It’s a banner of triumph A testament to the battles you’ve won And the darkness you refused to surrender to Like the sun breaking through the dawn You pierce the heavy clouds Dispersing every gray with your fearless light You rise unapologetically bright A symbol of hope for those who still wander in the dark They look at you with envious eyes Doubting the depth of your scars Assuming you must be untouched by pain But what they cannot see Is the strength that lies behind your words They see yellow they think innocence But your yellow is courage It’s the glow of a soul who knows suffering Yet chooses to heal the world with art I believe in you Your words inspire and uplift Each one layered with the wisdom of a heart that’s bled Your yellow is peace to the restless A balm to broken hearts You restore joy where it’s been long forgotten And in your words you remind us all That no matter the battle We too can reclaim our yellow *efx*

Grafted branch You found me on the road, a broken branch, Fallen from grace, from heights so grand. The wind knocked out of my weary chest, Barely alive, yet never truly lost. With tender hands, You grafted me again, Where once I was dry, new life began to reign. Your love never fails, Your kindness endures, In my weakness, Your mercy reassures. I stumble once more, did I fall beyond recovery? My transgressions are many, my heart full of worry. Arrogance blinded me, I could not see Your face, In the presence of my enemies, I tremble and pace. Not at all, for there is still hope, Though I fell, You hand me the rope. I envy the light of those who walk near, Light that fire in my heart, cast away fear. Forgive my unbelief, for by faith I stand, Graft me again by Your sovereign hand. Not by my strength, nor by my right, But by Your grace, I return to the light. A branch once wild, yet chosen still, By Your mercy, I bend to Your will. Though I wandered far, You’ve called me home, In You, my soul will never be alone. *efx*

Out in the open In the morning light I stand here, awkwardly dressed underwear on top of clothes an image that fills me with shame. Not just my clothes, but me exposed and uneasy the embarrassment wraps around me like a heavy, suffocating blanket. Each fold in my clothing seems to shout my faults, each odd choice of article shining, how deeply I wish to disappear. This strange display of my own making feels like a spotlight on my mistakes while every detail lays uncovered how desperately I wish I could hide. "Look, a fool," they point and laugh, "he thinks he is a superhero." Yet as the laughter echoes, I find a quiet strength beneath the mockery to laugh. Maybe in the absurdity, there's freedom to be found. Let the world see the truth Even if I stand here, a jester for there amusement, a clown to their eyes, I choose to laugh along, for sometimes, the greatest courage is simply owning ones flaws. *efx*

I have led a toothless life, a toothless life, I have never bitten to anything, I was waiting, I was reserving myself for later on and I had just noticed my teeth have gone. -Jean Paul Sartre

Searching for You I search for you Don't want to miss you The days slip by I need you here To walk beside my side Through battles fought On the road to terabithia Are you searching too For me within the little things Because I am searching Looking for you up in the clouds I seek you patiently When my heart ask Why do I beats all day and night I whisper your name in faith She beats again With new hope And joy reborn She was make to love and behold But why do I think Of you only to miss The sweetness of Your final kiss from my dreams Perhaps that was our last Maybe your gone Your just a ghost A shadows cast by my fear That i will die alone. But if you walk This earthly sphere And think of days We are yet to share Wishing to see Me in your arms In golden rays On sunny days To hold you As we walk Hand in hand If you exist On this mortal ground I’ll pick up my pace Faster I'll walk No time to waste I’ll run to you To hell withit I will sprint And find you soon Under the stars Beneath moon *efx*

Trusting You allowed my heart to break I had to get cuts and bruises You showed me the fragility of the human love I desperately desired So I could understand what true love actually meant. It felt unfair I thought I had given up so much Why can't I at least have this one thing I am asking for? My rebellion was short-lived My stubborn heart was no match for your stubborn love And in my confusion You did not leave me alone. You allowed me to get closer to you You showed me all my brokenness And in my weakness I trusted you For I lacked the wisdom to fix it myself. To fear you is the beginning of all wisdom To love you is to give everything I have To be loved by you is to gain everything sevenfold. You saw that I needed a hand I called on to you for help Now I call on to you to give thanks For you have given me beyond my wildest dreams. You heard my prayers Washed away my tears Put me in white clothes For the time of grief ends here. You are a loving father My shepherd, my solid ground While I was stuck in darkness You shined your light and broke my enemies' bond. Now I know your will is greater My wish, I do not want For your plans are better Your wish shall be my command. *efx*

Nocturnal Freedom "Why do you not sleep?" they asked, Because at night, I am free, my face unmasked, No tasks, no chains, no endless lists, No judges, no eyes that insists In the night sky, my spirit flies, The dreads of my reactionary responses die, It is a time of the purest honesty, A moment to myself the ends to swiftly. And often I find, as silence falls, It's my soul, not flesh, that calls, For in this night, devoid of light My weary spirit finds its way. *efx*

Forgotten melody I wrote the lyrics to slow my brain, Put rhythm and rhyme to ease my pain, So I could sing the song my soul embraced, But my heart forgot where the melody was placed. The chords were played, the strings were plucked, All out of tune, The drums were stuck. The notes fell flat, No harmony, A broken song, With no symphony. The drums are banging, But sounds aren't reverbing, The trumpets are blowing, But my soul drifts away snoring. A hollow tune, a lifeless sound is being played, It's nothing but white noise, bland like boild potatoes in bread, In this lost music, I am drowned. Everything’s taste less since that essence died, It was the spark, the joy inside. It put the meaning in jazz, Brought order to chaos. Now that it's gone, I can't find my grace, It was the rhythm, played of my heart's own pace. Without it, life’s a mournful scream, For it was the forgotten melody, That kept at bay the melancholy. Goodbye *efx*

Forgotten melody I wrote the lyrics to slow my brain, Put rhythm and rhyme to ease my pain, So I could sing the song my soul embraced, But my heart forgot where the melody was placed. The chords were played, the strings were plucked, All out of tune, The drums were stuck. The notes fell flat, No harmony, A broken song, With no symphony. The drums are banging, But sounds aren't reverbing, The trumpets are blowing, But my soul drifts away snoring. A hollow tune, a lifeless sound is being played, It's nothing but white noise, bland like boild potatoes in bread, In this lost music, I am drowned. Everything’s taste less since that essence died, It was the spark, the joy inside. It put the meaning in jazz, Brought order to chaos. Now that it's gone, I can't find my grace, It was the rhythm, played of my heart's own pace. Without it, life’s a mournful scream, For it was the forgotten melody, That kept at bay the melancholy. Goodbye *efx*

Hypocrite We complain there is no light coming in, We complain it’s getting very dark in here. We cry and we sob. The door isn’t open, we say, We say it’s stuck and blame the door for being rusty That damn door. Yes, the door might be rusty and old, But it’s rusty and old because fear is preventing it from opening. Fear deceives us into thinking it’s the door. You feel fear blocking the door, Fear possessed by anxiety and doubt. A question arises: Why is fear even in this conundrum? The light is here to help us, you think. It will show us the paradise and the wonderful things inside this room. But you are reminded by the growls The light also shows you the monsters, The monsters you are running from. And when you remember, your foot lets go. The door can be opened again. Will you dare open the door? Will you face the light, revealing both monsters and paradise? Eu ft efx

The Expression of the Suffering of the Soul I have not mapped the edges of my mind yet. Thoughts float in these uncharted territories, alien as another's. Though unknown, they surface my unconscious brain, Dancing in familiar patterns, triggering habits and reactions. As I zone out into oblivion, they take control, Running the day. This disconnection aches, A dull torment echoing through my being, a silent cry from my soul. Sometimes I forget my own existence. Walking in my skin feels foreign, an impostor’s domain. I am asleep. My soul hovers above, waiting for me to wake, Disengaged, floating, an exile in silent punishment. When I wake, I pull my soul back into my body. Together, we try to repair the havoc, searching for impostors within. They hide in the darkest places, the farthest edges, Pits of the past too terrifying to explore with my soul. Each hidden fragment a wound, a scar my soul bears in quiet agony. They hide between my parents' unlived dreams and my bold aspirations, Between what others want for me and what I desire. They hide between the fiery rage in my guts and my calm voice, Between my unforgettable sins and the forgiveness I never deserved. I can't take my soul to these places; she would be split in half. Instead, I must face these shadows alone, Navigating the labyrinth of my mind without her gentle light. Each step a confrontation, a negotiation with my fractured self. Though the journey is daunting, on the other side, wholeness waits. The journey itself testifies to my soul's trials, each shadow a testament to the distress endured. For every dark corner explored, a piece of the puzzle falls into place. For every imposter unmasked, a bit of my true self emerges. Perhaps, when all shadows are faced, all edges mapped, My soul will rejoin me, whole and unscathed, ready to inhabit a mind at peace. Only then will my soul’s affliction be fully expressed and understood, A necessary prelude to the peace that awaits. *efx*

Today is a sunny day

Under the sunny sky I watch bunnies hoping I rise to birds in harmony singing. The morning air breezes gently , As I step into a world painted brightly. Trees with white flowers bloom in May New leaves on branches greet the day. Sweet fragrances from trees with red-flowers Red, white and yellow the tulips' blossoms Clouds move across the blue dome, The sun's warmth breaks my heart's gloom. Jolly feelings within me arise, As I savor nature's wonderful surprise. *efx*