nessnote

sori

because how was i supposed to know what friendship was supposed to look like? how friends talk to each other, what they joke about, how they compliment one another, how they make each other feel wanted. no one teaches you those things. you learn them by having friends, and i didn't. even now, whenever someone makes me feel excluded, i'm not just reacting to that one thing. i'm five again six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen. i'm every version of myself that watched everyone else choose each other while i was never anyone's first choice, or second, or sometimes even their last. after a while, you stop wondering why they're excluding you and start wondering what's wrong with you. is it the way i look? the way i stand? do i look dirty? is it my nose ring? is it the way i talk? is it because my bade papa comes to take me home on a bike while they have posh cars with their fancy chauffeurs? i'd convince myself i had found the reason, and the next day i'd try to become someone else. i think that's where almost all of my insecurities come from. and what hurts the most is that some of the very girls who looked me in the face and called me ugly or the guy who used to bully me because apparently i was too "poor" for his liking are now online preaching kindness, inner beauty and acceptance blah blah blah

i hate that so much of who i am was shaped by growing up without friends. people underestimate what that kind of loneliness does to a person and how do you even explain that to someone without sounding or feeling pathetic? now that i do have people in my life i feel like a part of me is still trying to catch up with them

there are people who unconsciously turn you into their emotional outlet. sometimes they'll apologize first saying something like "i'm sorry i just needed to rant" but it isn't a one time thing because almost every conversation is about everything that's gone wrong in their life. at first you listen and try to understand them, you offer reassurance, perspective or a reality check because that's all anyone really can do but eventually you run out of words cuz there are only so many ways to comfort someone when nothing changes. only so many times you can respond with the same words to the same things before your own emotional reserves start running dry and sometimes when your replies become shorter or your energy isn't what it used to be they just disappear. suddenly you're the one left wondering if you failed them, maybe i should've been more patient, maybe i should've been more empathetic, maybe i should've tried harder. but relationships aren't meant to survive on one person endlessly absorbing another's grief ya trauma. listening is an act of kindness not an obligation.

blue moon weed

i don't even remember how many people I've come across who say this when asked for an opinion about any politician or political thing, you're the most spineless, selfish and prejudice person if you say that. wdym? everything in our life gets affected by politics and government! but you're too dumb and self centred to realise that. jab tak bat apke ghar tak na pohoche you're not even bothered by what's happening? No wonder why India is going backwards day by day. Indian people are the most spineless people when it comes to taking accountability. badi chizon ki bat hata bhi do toh apka khana ka quality ,pdhai, ghar, climate, safety, environment, travelling means, safai jesi sari basic chizein is directly reflected by how our government is operating. YOU and the GOVERNMENT, WE ARE EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE QUALITY OF LIFE WE ARE SPENDING. how do you even say that farq nhi pdta?

and i love how all of these betas have turned out to be spoilt brats and now are making their parents pay for it

this family is so beta oriented 🤣

watched knives out yesterday but didn't log it. i had such a great time with it. it's such a cozy murder mystery. i loved how almost every prediction i made turned out to be wrong. it is very clever and funny and ao fun to watch. hmmm 4/5

i can never stop crashing out over this country's government because it somehow manages to be rage bait every single day.

i missed watching movies

watched the tale of the princess kaguya today. this has to be one of studio ghibli's most visually unique films. unlike their usual animation style this one looks like it's been painted with watercolors and charcoal and it's absolutely gorgeous. i know i've been saying this about almost every film i've watched lately, but the visuals really are stunning. so many frames feel like paintings you could hang on a wall. the pacing does waver a little in the middle, and i did find myself getting a bit bored at times because i was aware of the story as it's such a popular folklore in japanese myth. it actually took me the whole day to finish the film because i kept taking breaks but the final twenty minutes completely make up for it. there's a dream sequence where kaguya runs through the fields, drawn in rough charcoal strokes and it's genuinely breathtaking. i would say a solid 3.5/5

gaon me 5g ka chakkar is maut se takkar