Our Side of the Story

So imposter syndrome?

Swords That Cut pt.1 Cold, curt text responses / being left on read (abruptly) by someone you love / being misunderstood / criticism on anything you've created / visibly seeing someone lose interest in what you're saying so you cut yourself off / talking and being ignored completely / when you check your phone after a long time only to see nobody has texted / seeing your friends have a good time without you / not being invited and included into plans, extra points if it happens in front of you / having a voice that sounds like an apology every time you speak / this voice is small and is an addition to the inferiority complex / when you talk about something you're passionate about and the other person is either indifferent or not as enthusiastic about it as you are  / when you've just told someone something and they don't react the way you want them to / when someone is texting you quickly because they're busy and you feel like you're bothering them so you want to leave / feeling alone in your intensity  –Christiana  @kkwrites

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It's a lie that things settle with time. It's so far from the truth that it's the opposite. They get much worse, the remorse eats up the guilty. The trauma ripens in the victim. Now we have to act so maturely around each other, at least that's what our beards and leather shoes tell us to do. Wow! Aren't brown polished shoes nice for sweeping things under the rug?

አቋም (couldn’t find a good English alternative, perhaps a firm belief system) You perceive how things work, observe, learn and construct a belief system. Constructing a belief system doesn’t mean you no longer will learn or have your ideologies altered. Your lean towards this belief system should be backed up by exploring, asking questions and contemplation. አቋም ግትርነት አይደለም:: Everyone has the right to believe and stand on something, that something could be on a different spectrum than what you believe in or what you perceive to be right. Growth is understanding individual differences. አቋም የለኝም ማለት አቋም ነው We have this strong tendency to be free, we end up putting ourselves in worse shackles. A rush that comes with defying our roots and how we were raised. If you think you’ll be less miserable by rebelling against society and tradition, lol yeah go for it. በአቋም መጽናትን የመሰለ ነገር የለም! Stay true to what you believe in, defend it and as usual be open to arguments that might shake it enough for you to think about it more.

To the subscribers who’ve been here since the beginning, when I used to post cringe worthy content and all those “MoTiVaTiOnAl” quotes. You guys have my undying respect and gratitude. Thank you for being supportive and learning with me.

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Rants from the still warm. (Almost nonsensical) Love, I would love it if you loosen the knot you use to string my heart along If you sigh your final sigh to sing me one last song If you lie one last lie, A white one, A small one, To free me from my wrongs. If you kiss me one last time, አለ አይደል, A small kiss, A heartfelt one. እንጃ, just enough to let me breathe again, For I miss air as much as your lips. Okay, almost as much. ብቻ, I still see some beauty in it though, The pain. To feel myself clearly even when I felt like I had nothing to gain. Even then. I saw indescribable beauty in it. Even when my throat hurt from fighting back tears, even when I felt insane Even when you almost made me grow wings, even when I faced my sins with shame. I loved every bit of it, cause you were there Tell me though, love. What do you do when you feel the weight of the stars and the moon on your back When the hazardous fumes of your own existence choke the very life out of you, with a fury that you know you lack And you have to love it. Tell me When all the floor you thought you owned betrays your feet all at once and you swing When tears themselves become too expensive to shed, when your ears start to ring And you still have to love it. Tell me. When your bones feel too brittle to carry you, when you no longer see home When your muscles unravel themselves, bit by bit, when you feel too alone. Tell me, what do you do? When you're forced to love it, in hopes of reviving the love you once knew. አሁን አሁን ግን እጅጉን ከበደኝ. መልሱም መልስ አልሆነ, ጥያቄውም ጨነቀኝ. እውነት, love, It's too heavy on me now. It fights to snap me in half, while I fight back to rid myself of it, not knowing the way how. Love, help me, it's too heavy on me now. Michael.

Father, Me again. “If you ask God to give you patience, he’ll put you in more situations that require patience” I don’t remember where I heard this from but it describes where my heart is at now, perfectly. I have stopped keeping track of the time but years counted since I prayed for endless things. “When will you see what I’ve become? When will you remember me?” Is a consistent line in my prayer. Not in a tone of questioning you, never. Just a child crying out to a father. Sometimes I doubt I’m praying right. But when I feel your presence on those nights I’m losing the battle of the will to exist I know you’re still around. So many questions fill my vessels, there’s so much I have to forgive and I know this rigid heart has failed you but I know you’re it for me. And my survival is a beautiful proof for that.

I think about this at least twice a day.

Being responsible and constantly worrying about the endless future is so exhausting, but if you don’t do it, no one would do it for you.