اگزیستانسیال

4:46 i know, you've been pushing all day.

oh, heavy, hot, and humid, stretching myself thin. oh, what happened to gradual intentions? oh, what heavy nothings.

if something is catching in your throat just at the edges of these moments, this must be it, not whatever i tell myself it is.

fear is all pervasive, it's all around me every day, like air that stops breathing. the sun and everything spills down, like the thoughts that left me no answer.

god or whatever abandoned me so hard that i can't even get drunk properly.

i feel like a divorced dad who went to buy some milk and never came back.

they said death will ring your doorbell when it's time, but don't you think it's getting too late honey? papa is getting worried.

i know it passed, but it still haunts me.

it makes me realize i didn't change a bit. i mean i did change indeed but, at what cost.

just by thinking that i couldn't do anything about it at that time and realizing that i still can't, makes me feel sick.

thinking about an event in the past that you could do something about feels like scratching your wound open to make it bleed again.

3:37 i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, but why? why can't it be mine?

all the love gone bad, turned my world to black, tattooed all i see, all that i am, all that i'll be.

all the twisted thoughts that spin around my head, i'm spinnin, how quick the Sun can drop away.

i take a walk outside, i'm surrounded by some kids at play. i can feel their laughter, so why do i see her?