bullshitting to all

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how do i even reply to this

i will never understand or relate to people who need a pin drol silence environment and pitch black darkness to go to sleep, let me come to you and just stab my knife if your eyes and ears so you can sleep freely your whole life. FUCKERS

out of context, i hate people who throw too much tantrum just to sleep, like bro if you're already sleepy and wanna go to sleep, then fucking sleep. what do you mean don't make noise (keyboard n mouse clicking). Shut the fuck up and GO TO YOUR FUCKING PIG FARM IN YOUR DREAMS!

nvm i said too much

damn, i hate llms (sorta like it too).

and do you know what to do with a blank canvas, paint. obviously. but what do you paint? what's the first color you choose? what's the idea you're gonna imprint, i don't wanna imitate anybody this time, nor i wanna copy ideas from everybody and create another trash like before. i want to create something genuine, something which feels it's been made with carefulness. i have no clue how to use any brush, or how to even make any strokes, i just know i wanna build a masterpiece for myself. which i wanna admire forever, even though it doesn't sell for enormous amount of money.

but the me i'm, is a very scaredy one. this one runs away from his responsibilities as much as he can, and shies away from the hobbies he used to love. i don't play chess anymore, not because i'm bored of it. the random positions still come up in my head and i get scared from them, whenever someone offers me a game, i fear, i fear that i won't be able to do anything. something came to me, and ate away all the competitive fire inside of me. this is so crushing to feel, very agonaphobic, i don't know how to recover from this mental state. i don't even want to find a solution out of anxiousness. what was it? what was the exact instance when i started feeling all of it? there are moments i remember, that i reflected too hardly upon myself and there was just so much junk filled in that, which was blocking my emotional outlets and all of this cluster—lemme break up from the topic, most people ask me, how to become like me, how to act like me? and it doesn't make any sense to me, to think some of you (not you) actually look me up with lights in your eyes makes me feel sick to the gut, nvm, i'm not actually gonna talk about any of my issues here. anyways. issues—those things turned me into who i am, big blasting issues. and i somehow channeled them into being absolute competitive animal, and the junk i mentioned, as soon as those were cleared, i lost every spirit. my life was on the course because of those things, and now everything is blank, i feel like a blank canvas.

my coffee feels bland, i want my old habits back, i want my old me back. the me who was furious with his attitude and actually did things which he said he's gonna do, even though the outcome didn't really come out as he planned out, lol.

a thing most people know but don't really understand is that they will never get an audience, stop performing, and actually suffer. that's what we're supposed to do.

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i have no skill and I must create