Speculative Somatics and Moving Touch

Here is more about my internship in choreographic assistance. I feel that many things need to be integrated into this process. When I arrived at the company, there were two interns — J. and me — who were meant to be here this season. J. knew clearly that he wanted to dance. I arrived knowing that I am not a dancer, and that I never had the ambition to become a professional dancer, but rather to pursue my choreographic career. But through the process of following rehearsals with dancers who became choreographers for their colleagues, I felt lost and forgotten. I was feeling that the dancers did not want me to dance so much. I jumped in whenever someone was missing. That is how I discovered that my inner child still wanted to dance — and that I was secretly, unconsciously asking myself: Am I not good enough to dance? Well, I am not. I have not been practicing dance every day for quite a while, and I do not like learning choreography, since I myself am drawn to composing through sensing, scores, and structured improvisation. My body was not ready for professional dancing. My body is always one count late; my body does not remember things as quickly as the bodies of others; I feel my arms are unbelievably long, and yet they are still locked in the shoulders. I look at the videos and do not see what I feel in my body. And that is an eye-opening moment — really seeing myself. I really see how strange this body is and how it moves: still beautiful, but also really, really weird and specific. I could make a solo for this body. I could also still become a dancer if I trained three to four hours a day. But actually, I was right all along. I am not a dancer by profession, and that is really good. Because when the second project started, I could be everything that I am. This project is a collaboration between the company and an external choreographer with her own ideas and prepared choreography, where I could support with all my strengths — love and structure. So this is what I do now: * I document everything that happens in rehearsals and structure it into one big scene list with counts, actions, scenography, light, props, transitions, cues, and more. * I stand in for anyone who is missing and record choreography to show it to them. * I communicate with the theatre about all costume and props work that needs to be done. * I check audience angles and comment if a scene feels too frontal. * I comment on the dynamical composition to help structure it better. * I join all meetings about the venue and work with the team to solve problems with seating and setup. This feels like a lot of structuring and a lot of seeing things from the outside, while the choreographer is focused on movement. This feels like real support and agency from my side. Also, this piece is about queer experiences in clubbing, and it makes me feel a lot about my own identity, history, being supported or not, and what needs to be done now. The showing is in two weeks, so the production period is intense. On Sunday, there is a first run-through (“stumble-through”) of all the scenes together. I am in my place. Moving with pride for however strange it is I am moving. And here is the link: https://id.is/en/move-with-pride-2/